The Office



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Toby: Didn’t you lose a lot of money from that other investment? The one from the email?
Michael: You know what Toby? When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly -- asking you for help – you help. His father ran the freaking country OK?
--"The Office" (NBC)


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Kelly: I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died….that was the saddest funeral ever..... That, and my sisters'…
--"The Office" (NBC)


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Pam: Okay, well, sometimes the gift is really about the gesture, you know, like.... What it means instead of what it is…
Dwight: You mean…like a ham?
Pam: No…not ham…
--"The Office" (NBC)


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Michael: People I respect, heroes of mine would be Bob Hope. Abraham Lincoln, definitely. Bono. Uh, and probably God would be the fourth one. I just think all those people really helped the world in so many ways. That it's, uh, really beyond words. It's really incalculacable.
--"The Office" (NBC)



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Michael: New York City...great places to eat. We have Bubba Gump Shrimp…Red Lobster down there. You know? This is the heart of civilization.
--"The Office" (NBC)


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Michael: Jim, now is the time to stop putting Dwight's personal effects into Jell-O.
Jim: Ok. Dwight I'm sorry, because I've always been your biggest flan.
Ryan: You should've put him in custardy.
Michael: Hey yes!!! New guy! He scores!!!
--"The Office" (NBC)


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Dwight: Michael wants us to bond..so we need topics of conversation...
Jim: Ponies?
Dwight: No.
Ryan: How about Rainbows?
Dwight: NO.
Jim: Flowers?
--"The Office" (NBC)


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Jim: Because right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train...
--"The Office" (NBC)


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Michael: Abraham Lincoln once said that "If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North" and these are the principles I carry with me in the workplace....
--"The Office" (NBC)


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(ordering at Chili’s...)
Michael: May we have an awesome blossom please? Extra awesome?
--"The Office" (NBC)


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Michael: I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don't have a butler, I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it's good for me, it's the perfect way to start the day...
--"The Office" (NBC)


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Jim: You work here, don't you want good insurance?
Dwight: Don't need it. Never been sick. Perfect immune system.
Jim: Ok, well if you've never been sick, then you don't have any antibodies.
Dwight: I don't need them. Superior genes. I'm a Schrute...and superior brain-power. Through concentration I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight: So I can lower it...
--"The Office" (NBC)


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Dwight: The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need because someone in this office is coming up with ridiculous stuff. Count Choculitis.
Jim: Sounds tough.
Dwight : Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
--"The Office" (NBC)


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Stanley: Michael, you remember my daughter Melissa.
Michael: Oh yes. Hello. How are you? Good to see you. Wow, you’ve really grown up. You know what? Don’t mind me saying so but she is turning into a stone-cold fox. Better keep the frat boys away from her.
Melissa: I'm in 8th grade...
--"The Office" (NBC)


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Jim: Just have Dwight punch you.
Michael: Well, that would be kinda worthless because I know a ton of 14-year-old girls who can kick his ass.
Jim: You know a ton of 14-year-old girls?
--"The Office" (NBC)


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Michael: Would I rather be feared or loved? Umm...easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
--"The Office" (NBC)


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Dwight: I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War Two veteran. Killed twenty men then spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father...battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight....
--"The Office" (NBC)


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Michael: Phyllis and Bob -- their celebrity couple name would be "Phlob."
--"The Office" (NBC)


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Michael: If you ever lay a finger on Phyllis, I will kill you.
Bob Vance: If you ever lay a finger on Phyllis, I'll kill you.
Michael: Agreed. No fingers will be laid on Phyllis.
--"The Office" (NBC)


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Michael: I need my entourage. Jim, Dwight, Ryan, c'mon - we're going to Asian Hooters.
Ryan: I'm not feeling so well. I've got a ton of work to do here. MSG allergy, peanut allergy, I just ate there last night.
Michael: [feels Ryan's head] Alright, feel better...
Jim: Wow, thanks for taking all the excuses, dude.
Ryan: Doctor appointment, car trouble, plantar warts, granddad fought in World War II...
--"The Office" (NBC)


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Michael: The most sacred thing I do is care... Today I am in charge of picking a great new healthcare plan. Right? That's what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um, yes. Like a specialist.
--"The Office" (NBC)


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Andy: I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has: my brain. Which I use to my advantage when advantageous.
--"The Office" (NBC)


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Jim: I ate a tuna sandwich -- on my first day -- so Andy calls me ‘Big Tuna’. I don’t think any of them actually know my name…
--"The Office" (NBC)


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Dwight: Once I'm officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.
--"The Office" (NBC)


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Ryan: Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed's brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I've read some of it. Even for the Internet, it's...pretty shocking.
--"The Office" (NBC)


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Jim: [picking up a ticket on his desk] What's this?
Dwight: That is a demerit.
Jim: "Jim Halpert, tardiness." Oh, I love it already.
Dwight: You've got to learn, Jim, you're second in command, but that does not put you above the law.
Jim: Oh I understand. And I also have lots of questions. Like what does a demerit mean?
Dwight: Let's put it this way. You do not want to receive three of those.
Jim: Lay it on me.
Dwight: Three demerits, and you'll receive a citation.
Jim: Now that sounds serious.
Dwight: Oh it is serious. Five citations, and you're looking at a violation. Four of those, and you'll receive a verbal warning. Keep it up, and you're looking at a written warning. Two of those, that'll land you in a world of hurt in the form of a disciplinary review, written up by me and placed on the desk of my immediate superior.
Jim: Which would be me.
Dwight: That...is correct.
Jim: Okay, I want a copy on my desk by the end of the day or you will receive a full disadulation. Dwight: What's a dis...what's that?
Jim: Oh, you don’t want to know....
--"The Office" (NBC)



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Michael: That is offensive. Indians do not eat monkey brains. And if they do, sign me up because I am sure that they are very tasty and nutritional....
--"The Office" (NBC)


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Dwight: Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user, virtual environment. It doesn't have points or scores. It doesn't have winners or losers.
Jim: Oh, it has losers....
--"The Office" (NBC)


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Jim: I think it's great that the company's making a commercial. Because not very many people have heard of us. I mean, when I tell people that I work at Dunder Mifflin, they think that we sell mufflers. Or muffins. Or mittens. And frankly, all of those sound better than paper, so I let it slide...
--"The Office" (NBC)



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Michael: Phyllis is like our Mrs. Butterworth. Kind of a less urban Aunt Jemima.
--"The Office" (NBC)


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Michael: Look Kevin, we are a family here. And Phyllis is a valued member of that family…like a grandmother.
Phyllis: I’m the same age as you Michael…
Michael: I don’t know about that.
Phyllis: We’re in the same high-school class.
Michael: Well..... I had a late birthday and usually September is the cutoff point…
--"The Office" (NBC)



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Kevin: If anyone gives you 10,000 to 1 odds on anything, you take that bet. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I will be one rich dude...
--"The Office" (NBC)