TV Guy Quotes Page
(686 Total Quotes)

(updated October 22, 2009: added 3 quotes for "Motion Pictures" and "Miscellaneous")

The quotes are accessible two ways...

1) Just click on the show or category and whatever quotes I have so far for that selection will be displayed in your browser.
2) After that, all quotes are listed on this page in alphabetical order by show.... with motion pictures and miscellaneous at the end...

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Quotes By Show

>>Alias
>>American Idol
>>Angel
>>Arrested Development
>>Batman
>>The Big Bang Theory
>>Bones
>>Buffy the Vampire Slayer
>>Caroline in the City
>>Cheers
>>Cupid
>>Curb Your Enthusiasm
>>CSI
>>CSI:Miami
>>Daily Show with Jon Stewart
>>Deal or No Deal
>>Desperate Housewives
>>Doctor Who
>>The Drew Carey Show
>>Ed
>>Entourage
>>E.R.
>>Felicity
>>Firefly
>>Flight of the Conchords
>>Frasier
>>Friends
>>From the Earth to the Moon
>>Gilmore Girls
>>Golden Girls
>>Good Eats
>>Grey's Anatomy
>>Heroes
>>House
>>How I Met Your Mother
>>Incredible Hulk
>>JAG
>>Jimmy Kimmel Live
>>Just Shoot Me
>>The Larry Sanders Show
>>Late Night with Conan O'Brian
>>Late Show with David Letterman
>>Lost
>>M*A*S*H
>>Malcolm in the Middle
>>Monk
>>Monty Python's Flying Circus
>>Moonlighting
>>My So-Called Life
>>Mystery Science Theatre 3000
>>NewsRadio
>>Northern Exposure
>>The Office
>>One Tree Hill
>>Police Squad
>>Pushing Daisies
>>Real Time with Bill Maher
>>Roseanne
>>Saturday Night Live
>>Scrubs
>>Seinfeld
>>The Shield
>>Six Million Dollar Man
>>Smallville
>>The Sopranos
>>South Park
>>Sports Night
>>Star Trek
>>Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
>>Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles
>>3rd Rock From the Sun
>>30 Rock
>>Thirtysomething
>>24
>>Twin Peaks
>>Ugly Betty
>>Veronica Mars
>>Walker, Texas Ranger
>>West Wing
>>Will & Grace
>>Wiseguy
>>X-Files

>>Motion Pictures
>>Miscellaneous

Alias


____________________
Will: Okay, now, here's my question. Who eats this crap? I mean, it's like Marzipan, but it's worse. If it's a question between this or, like, dirt, I would be all over the dirt.
--"Alias" (ABC)



____________________
Sydney: Sloane got back from London last night. Emily knew the truth. Her death, his immediately being let in; I'm confident he killed his wife to get that seat.
Vaughn: Killing his wife wouldn't surprise me. Eating his wife wouldn't surprise me....
--"Alias" (ABC)



____________________
Weiss: There's no way that guy smells as good as you.
Vaughn: It's aftershave. I got a new aftershave.
Weiss: Yeah, well, I'd lighten up on it.
Vaughn: Yeah?
Weiss: Oh, yeah. To the point of non-use.
--"Alias" (ABC)



____________________
Sydney: You know any jokes? 'Cause I could use one.
Vaughn: This grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" And the grasshopper says...
Sydney: "You have a drink named Doug?"
Vaughn: Well, I was going to use Phil.
Sydney: Well, Phil is certainly no funnier than Doug.
--"Alias" (ABC)



____________________
Sydney: You look great. You lost weight?
Weiss: Oh, thanks, yeah. I sorta gave up all the foods that I enjoy...
--"Alias" (ABC)



____________________
Jack Bristow: If you tell anyone about this conversation, you will no longer be able to wear a hat....
--"Alias" (ABC)


____________________
Vaughn: Do you think you can be in love with two people at the same time?
Weiss: No. I don't. However, I did have the same intense feelings for both Sporty and Posh Spice.
Vaughn: Yeah, who didn't?
--"Alias" (ABC)



____________________________
Sydney: Did you close your eyes at all?
Vaughn: On and off. You talk in your sleep.
Sydney: No! What did I say?
Vaughn: "Don't frost the pie!" It seemed really important.
--"Alias" (ABC)

American Idol


__________________
Simon: If you would have been singing like this two thousand years ago, people would have stoned you...
--"American Idol" (FOX)



__________________
Simon: If your lifeguard duties were as good as your singing, a lot of people would be drowning...
--"American Idol" (FOX)



__________________
Simon: Did you really believe you could become the American Idol? Well, then, you're deaf...
--"American Idol" (FOX)

Angel



____________________
Angel: I had to sing Barry Manilow.
Faith: You're kidding.
Angel: In front of people....
Faith: And here I am talking about my petty little problems.
Angel: Just wanted to give you a little perspective.
Faith: "Copacabana"?
Angel: "Mandy". I don't wanna dwell on it...
--"Angel" (WB)



____________________
Angel: What are you cooking?
Fred: I've been trying to make an enchilada out of tree bark.
Angel: Bark enchiladas. Huh...How's that going?
Fred: There is work to be done.
--"Angel" (WB)



____________________
Angel: She asked me to breakfast.
Wesley: Breakfast. Right. How did you respond?
Angel: Well . . . of course I ignored it completely, changed the subject, and locked her in a cage...
--"Angel" (WB)



____________________
Cordelia: I'm not telling your sixteen-year-old boy that.
Angel: Well, someone has to make sure he knows the facts of life. My track record with the whole man/woman thing isn't, you know I don't wanna use the words 'tragic farce' but...
--"Angel" (WB)



____________________
Angel: I don't remember what it was like. Being human. It was too long ago.
Harmony: Not so great. Zits. Dandruff. Mortality...
--"Angel" (WB)



____________________
Angel: [to Doyle] Where'd you pick up computer skills?
Cordelia: Downloading pictures of naked women?
Doyle: Well, that's more or less accurate...
--"Angel" (WB)



_____________________
Angel: The lab is doing some blood work.
Fred: I'm a mummy, aren't I...
Spike: I've fought plenty of mummies, and none of 'em were as pretty as you. Almost none.
--"Angel" (WB)



_____________________
Wesley: I don't know. I think I sort of missed this. You and me and the books, "kickin' it old school," as they say...
[He winces.]
And I never will again....
--"Angel" (WB)



_____________________
Illyria: Your breed is fragile: how is it they came to control this world?
Knox: Opposable thumbs. Um, fire. Television. What they lack in strength, they make up for in extraordinary sneakiness....
--"Angel" (WB)



_____________________
Vail: Did you kill all of my guards?
Angel: All the ones I could find....
--"Angel" (WB)



_____________________
Angel: You just like stabbing me.
Spike: I'm shocked - shocked! - that you'd say that. I much prefer hitting you with blunt instruments.
--"Angel" (WB)



_____________________
Archduke Sebassis: The circle does not abide secrets.
Angel: Which is interesting for a secret society.
--"Angel" (WB)



_____________________
Lindsey: It's a secret society.
Gunn: Never heard of them.
Lindsey: That's because they're secret...
--"Angel" (WB)



_____________________
Lindsey: If you want me, I'm on your team.
Angel: I want you, Lindsey . . . I'm thinking about rephrasing that.
Lindsey: Yeah, I think I'd be more comfortable if you did.
--"Angel" (WB)



_____________________
Illyria: I will fight. I've been broken and humiliated. I will return in kind every blow, every sting. I will shred my adversaries. Pull their eyes out just enough to turn them towards their mewing, mutilated faces.
Wesley: You're a very inspirational person. Have I mentioned that?
--"Angel" (WB)



_____________________
Lilah: Mind if I join you?
Wesley: On many levels and with great intensity.
--"Angel" (WB)



_____________________
Lilah: Don't be thinking about me when I'm gone.
Wesley: I wasn't thinking about you when you were here...
--"Angel" (WB)



____________________
Cordelia: Well, how hard could she be to find...did she mention anything?
Angel: She said she was staying with a friend.
Cordelia: Well, that narrows it down to people with friends....Where do we keep that list?
--"Angel" (WB)



____________________
Fred: Looks like we've been following Angel's son's emissions the whole time.
Gunn: Now there is a sentence I don't ever need to hear again.
--"Angel" (WB)



_____________________
Angel: I don't even own a TV. He's gonna wanna watch TV. Not too much, I mean, after homework and chores. He's gonna need clothes, weekly allowance... What's good nowadays? Fifty cents, a dollar?
Cordy: Yeah. If you're Tom Sawyer painting the fence.
--"Angel" (WB)



_____________________
(As the demon horde approaches.)
Spike: In terms of a plan?
Angel: We fight.
Spike: Bit more specific?
Angel: Well, personally, I kind of want to slay the dragon. Let's go to work.
--"Angel" (WB)

Arrested Development


__________________
Lucille Austero: Today at lunch, you were ashamed to be with me.
Gob: No. I was ashamed to be seen with you. I like being with you.
--"Arrested Development" (FOX)



__________________
Michael: Are you serious?
Wayne Jarvis: Almost always. I was once voted the worst audience participant Cirque Du Soleil ever had...
--"Arrested Development" (FOX)



__________________
Narrator: Michael was having brunch with Sally Sitwell at a restaurant called Skip Church's Bistro. In addition to brunch, the restaurant was known for an item on the menu called the "Skip's Scramble", an omelet that contained everything on the menu. Do not order the Skip's Scramble.
--"Arrested Development" (FOX)



___________________
Tobias Fünke: So what are your plans for this evening?
Bob Loblaw: I thought that maybe I would stay in and work on my law blog.
Tobias Fünke: Ah, yes. The "Bob Loblaw Law Blog". You, sir, are a mouthful....
--"Arrested Development" (FOX)

Batman



___________________
Robin: If we close our eyes, we can't see anything.
Batman: A sound observation, Robin...
--"Batman" (NBC)



___________________
Dick Grayson: What's so important about Chopin?
Bruce Wayne: All music is important, Dick. It's the universal language. One of our best hopes for the eventual realization of the brotherhood of man.
Dick Grayson: Gosh Bruce, yes, you're right. I'll practice harder from now on.
--"Batman" (NBC)



___________________
Robin: Gosh Batman, the nobility of the almost-human porpoise...
Batman: True, it was noble of that animal to hurl himself into the path of that final torpedo. He gave his life for ours...
--"Batman" (NBC)



___________________
Batman: Better put 5 cents in the meter.
Robin: No policeman's going to give the Batmobile a ticket.
Batman: This money goes to building better roads. We all must do our part.
--"Batman" (NBC)



_______________
Robin: You were right, Batman, we might have been killed.
Batman: Or worse...
--"Batman" (NBC)



__________________________
Robin: C'mon Batman, it's Christmas Eve, let's kick back and get into the spirit... it's the Joker... even scums spend the holidays with their families....
--"Batman" (NBC)



____________________________
Bruce: Most Americans don't realize what we owe to the ancient Incas. Very few appreciate they gave us the white potato and many varieties of Indian corn.
Dick: Now whenever I eat mashed potatoes, I for one will think of the Incas.
--"Batman" (NBC)

The Big Bang Theory


___________________
Leonard: [about Penny] Our babies will be smart and beautiful.
Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary...
--"The Big Bang Theory" (CBS)



_____________________
Leonard: I love cheesecake.
Sheldon: You're lactose intolerant.
Leonard: I don't eat it. I just think it's a good idea.
--"The Big Bang Theory" (CBS)



____________________
Penny: Well, I'm a Sagittarius which probably tells you way more than you need to know...
Sheldon: Yes. It tells us you believe in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.
--"The Big Bang Theory" (CBS)


______________________
Sheldon: I can't believe he fired me.
Leonard: Well, you did call him a glorified high school science teacher whose last successful experiment was lighting his own farts.
Sheldon: In my defense, I prefaced that with, "with all due respect".
--"The Big Bang Theory" (CBS)



_______________________
Penny: Leonard, I didn't know you played the cello.
Leonard: Yeah, my parents felt that naming me Leonard and putting me in advanced placement classes wasn't getting me beaten up enough....
--"The Big Bang Theory" (CBS)



______________________
Leonard: What's wrong?
Penny: Well, Howard and Christy are...kind of hooking up in my bedroom.
Leonard: Are you sure?
Penny: Look, I grew up on a farm. From what I heard, they're either having sex, or Howard's caught in a milking machine.
--"The Big Bang Theory" (CBS)



____________________
Penny: Do you have any idea what time it is?
Sheldon: Of course I do. My watch is linked to the atomic clock in Boulder, Colorado. It's accurate to one-tenth of a second. But as I'm saying this, it occurs to me that, once again, your question may have been rhetorical.
--"The Big Bang Theory" (CBS)



______________________
Sheldon: Anyway, the housekeeper in the faculty residence didn't speak any English. When I finally managed to convince her I was sick, she said, "Möchtest du eine Darmspülung?"
Penny: What does that mean?
Sheldon: Based on what happened next, I assume it means, "Would you like an enema?"
--"The Big Bang Theory" (CBS)

Bones


__________________
Angela: Anger is only fear turned inwards...
--"Bones" (FOX)



__________________
Angela: I wouldn't bet a date with Colin Farrell on it.
Temperance: I know him. He's funny.
Angela: That's Will Ferrell, sweetie. Colin Farrell is hot...
--"Bones" (FOX)



__________________
Seeley: [gives Temperance a gun] This is only for self-defense...
Temperance: What part do I aim for?
Seeley: Any part that isn't me.
--"Bones" (FOX)



__________________
Zack: Sometime when you're not busy, I wonder if I could ask you a few questions about sexual positions?
Booth: If you even try, I will take out my gun and shoot you between the eyes...
--"Bones" (FOX)



_____________________
Pickering: Can you tell me what you were doing in Cuba?
Brennan: Only if you tell me first.
Pickering: I beg your pardon?
Brennan: I don't know your security clearance.
Pickering: Well what is your security clearance?
Brennan: You should check with the state department.
Pickering: I'm from the state department.
Brennan: Then that should make it easy for you.
--"Bones" (FOX)



______________
Booth: Bones, it’s after midnight. Hm? Christmas Eve Day. Both an eve and a day, it’s a Christmas miracle.
Brennan: Still enjoying your medication, I see.
--"Bones" (FOX)



______________
Booth: Voodoo.. [laughs] Who's gonna believe that stuff?
Brennan: It's a religion, no crazier than, well, what are you?
Booth: Catholic.
Brennan: They believe in the same saints you do. And prayer. What they call spells, you call miracles. They have priests.
Booth: We don't make zombies.
Brennan: Jesus rose from the dead after three days.
Booth: Jesus is not a zombie!
--"Bones" (FOX)



______________
Booth: A prodigy violinist dissapears and a month later his skull ends up bouncing off a garbage truck?
Cam: Obviously, we are looking for someone who really really hates classical music.
--"Bones" (FOX)



_______________
Brennan: Booth, who is a very honest person, says that at this time of year deception is necessary for the happiness of little children.
Booth: I'm being misquoted.
Sweets: Booth is absolutely right.
Booth: She got the jist.
Sweets: There is a fictional element to Christmas.
Brennan: You mean the whole birth of a savior rigamarole?
Booth: It is not rigamarole!
Sweets: No Dr. Brennan it's the feeling of Christmas. What people call the Christmas spirit. It's a kind of dream or hope we carry with us from childhood. But as adults...
Booth: Are you including you in that?
Sweets: As adults we're imbued by the pragmatic routines of daily life which make it difficult for us to regard anything with childlike wonder. But you know it's alright for us to try. We put on silly hats, drape trees in sparkly lights and wrap gifts in garish paper and that's good for us. It's not only alright to allow children the transient experience of innocence and joy, it's our responsibility.
--"Bones" (FOX)

Buffy The Vampire Slayer



_____________________
Riley: Oh, that might be toxic, don't touch it.
Xander: Oh yeah, touching it was my first impulse. Luckily I've moved on to my second, which involves dry-heaving and running like hell.
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Buffy: What if their problems are weird and tricky?
Xander: I think you underestimate your familiarity with the world of weird and tricky.
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Oz: Do you often steal weapons from the military base?
Willow: Well, we don't have cable, so we have to make our own fun..
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Anya: Oh, who ordered more chicken's feet? The ones we have aren't moving at all.
Xander: That's generally what happens when you cut them off the chicken.
Anya: Maybe we could do a holiday promotion -- one free with every purchase.
Giles: Oh, yes... dear holiday memories. Merry tykes by the fire enjoying their new Christmas... chicken feet.
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Spike: We're out of Corn Flakes again.
Giles: We are out of Corn Flakes because you ate them all. Again.
Spike: Get some more.
Giles: I thought vampires were supposed to eat blood.
Spike: Yeah, well, sometimes I like to crumble up the Corn Flakes in the blood. Gives it a little texture.
Giles: Since the picture you just painted means that I will never touch food of any kind again, you'll just have to pick it up yourself.
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Olivia: All the time you used to talk to me about witchcraft and darkness and the like - I just thought you were being pretentious.
Giles: Oh I was. I was also right.
Olivia: So everything you told me was true.
Giles: Well no, um, I wasn't actually one of the original members of Pink Floyd. But the monster stuff, yes...
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Spike: You know there are quite a few American beers that are highly underrated. This, unfortunately, is not one of them.
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Willow: We can come by between classes! Usually I use that time to copy over my class notes with a system of different colored pens...but it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know, insane.
Tara: I said 'quirky.'
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Buffy: Look, I realize that every Slayer comes with an expiration mark on the package. But, I want mine to be a long time from now. Like a Cheetoh...
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Willow: I'm not stealing. I'm just taking things without paying for them. In what twisted dictionary is that stealing?
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Willow: Well... When I'm with a boy I like it's hard for me to say anything cool, or witty, or at all... I can usually make a few vowel sounds. And then I have to go away...
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Buffy: It's weird, though. In his way, I feel like he's still watching me.
Willow: Well, in a way he sort of is... in the way of that he's right over there...
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Xander: Needs should definitely be met, as long as it doesn't require ointments the next day...
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Giles: Why should someone want to harm Cordelia?
Willow: Maybe because they met her? Did I say that?
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Buffy: I told one lie. I had one drink.
Giles: Yes, and you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words, "let that be a lesson" are a tad redundant at this juncture....
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



____________________
Spike: They have chicken wings, too. Also, a sort of a flower-shaped thing made from an onion. It's brilliant.....
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Anya: You know, you can laugh, but I have witnessed a millennium of treachery and oppression from the males of the species and I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them.
Xander: Then why are you talking to me?
Anya: I don't have a date for the prom.
Xander: Well gosh. I wonder why not. It couldn't possibly have anything to do with your sales pitch?
Anya: Men are evil. Will you go with me?
Xander: One of us is very confused, and I honestly don't know which....
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Jenny: Cordelia is going to meet us.
Xander: Ooh, gang, did you hear that? A bonus day of class, plus Cordelia! Mix in a little rectal surgery and it's my best day ever!
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Buffy: You're a vampire. Oh, I'm sorry, was that an offensive term? Should I say "undead American"?
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Cordelia: I'm just saying, when tragedy strikes we have to look on the bright side, y'know? Like how even used Mercedes still have leather seats...
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Xander: Duh! I mean, guys'll do anything to impress a girl. I once drank an entire gallon of Gatorade without taking a breath.
Willow: It was pretty impressive. Although later there was an ick factor.
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Giles: All right, I'll just jump in my time machine, go back to the twelfth century and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show.
Buffy: Okay, at this point you're abusing sarcasm...
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



________________
Natalie: Oh, Xander! I've done something really stupid. I hope you can forgive me.
Xander: Oh, forgiveness is my middle name! Well, actually it's LaVelle, and I'd appreciate it if you guard that secret with your life.
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Willow: You’re not invisible to Buffy.
Xander: It’s worse. I’m just a part of the scenery, like an old shoe or a rug that you walk on every day but don’t even really see.
Willow: Like a pen that’s all chewed up, and you know you should throw it away, but you don’t, not ‘cause you like it so much more ‘cause you’re used to it…
Xander: Well, yeah, that is the point. You don’t have to drive it through my head like a railroad spike.
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Principal Flutie: You burned down the gym.
Buffy: I did, I really did. But you're not seeing the big picture here. I mean, that gym was full of vampi ... asbestos.
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Buffy: Who are you?
Angel: Let's just say ... I'm a friend.
Buffy: Yeah, well, maybe I don't want a friend.
Angel: I didn't say I was yours...
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



________________
Xander: I'm still having trouble with the fact that one of us is just gonna gun everybody down for no reason.
Cordelia: Yeah, because that never happens in American high schools.
Oz: It's bordering on trendy at this point.
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



________________
Xander: Looks like a job for Wiccan girl. What do you say, Will? Big time danger.
Willow: Hey, I eat danger for breakfast.
Xander: But oddly enough, she panics in the face of breakfast foods.
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



________________
Anya: Look, I know you find me attractive. I've seen you looking at my breasts.
Xander: Nothing personal, but when a guy does that it just means his eyes are open.
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



________________
Buffy: It's too bad Giles couldn't be librarian here. Be convenient.
Willow: Well, he says he's enjoying being a gentleman of leisure.
Buffy: Gentleman of leisure? Isn't that just British for unemployed?
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Giles: Let's not jump to any conclusions.
Buffy: I didn't jump. I took one tiny step, and there conclusions were.
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_______________
Riley: These spells, these really work? I mean, can you really "turn your enemies inside out"? Or "learn to excrete gold coins"?
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)

Caroline in the City


____________________
Joe: What are you working on?
Richard: Not throwing you out the window.
Joe: How's it going?
Richard: Not so good.
--"Caroline in the City" (NBC)



____________________
Annie: Richard can't drive.
Richard: This is true, but if you lay down in the street, I'll give it a try.
--"Caroline in the City" (NBC)



____________________
Caroline: And for my next trick, I'm going to make my boyfriend disappear. I say the magic word: Opera.
--"Caroline in the City" (NBC)

Cheers


_________________
Rebecca: You know, I really think I can put together a great Thanksgiving dinner. This'll be the second one that I've cooked, and believe me, the first one was not the disaster that my family said it was. Those kids had a pretty good time in that ambulance...
--“Cheers” (NBC)



_____________________
Sam: What's new, Normie?
Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're demanding beer.
--“Cheers” (NBC)



_____________________
Sam: Woody, could you add up these receipts?
(Woody feels through the receipts)
Woody: There's eight of them, Sam.
--“Cheers” (NBC)



________________
Carla: If the Brady Bunch crashes in the Andes who would they eat first?
Woody: Well probably the maid, 'cause she's not kin..
Cliff: Yeah, but if they were smart they would ask her the best way to prepare herself.
--“Cheers” (NBC)



_______________
Sam: What'll you have Normie?
Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.
Sam: Looks like beer, Norm.
Norm: Call me Mister Lucky....
--“Cheers” (NBC)



_______________
Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: The question is what's going 'in' Mr. Peterson. A beer please, Woody...
--“Cheers” (NBC)



_______________
(making a toast)
Cliff: As they say down at the post office, "here's looking up your address"...
--"Cheers" (NBC)



_____________________
Carla: You know Diane, you shouldn't be investing in a tanning salon, you ought to be using one. You've got skin the color of Elmer's glue....
--"Cheers" (NBC)



____________________
Woody: How's it going Mr. Peterson?
Norm: It's a dog eat dog world Woody and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear....
--"Cheers" (NBC)



____________________
Lilith: Well, I'm off. I don't know what the future holds. Whatever happens, I only hope I can realize my full potential. To acquire things the old Lilith never had.
Carla: Like a body temperature?
Lilith: That's very good, Carla. Incidentally, I've taken your little wisecracks for a few years now, you hideous gargoyle, and if you ever open that gateway to hell you call a mouth in my direction again, I'll snap off your extremities like dead branches and feed them to you at gunpoint.
--"Cheers" (NBC)

Cupid



_____________________
Claire: A number of people have benefited from my advice, you know.
Trevor: A number of people eat other people, it doesn't mean it's right for everyone.
--"Cupid" (ABC)



_____________________
Claire: Mount Olympus, tell me about it…
Trevor: Nonstop clothing-optional party, everyone's beautiful, drinking wine, chasing nymphs… an amazing place, you have NO idea.
Claire: I saw "Boogie Nights," okay?
--"Cupid" (ABC)



____________________
Trevor: You busy?
Claire: No, no, I was just sitting here doing nothing, hoping someone would burst through my door without knocking...
--"Cupid" (ABC)



___________________
Trevor: Coffee without caffeine is like sex without the spanking....
--"Cupid" (ABC)



____________________________
Champ: You know, I hope you don't take this in the wrong way...
because I have nothing but love for the mentally ill... I wouldn't give a damn if you thought you were the Ayatollah Kohmeni if you picked up after yourself, paid your rent on time, and got me my messages. But no, that's not the case... and this was strike three. So as soon as you can find another place, you're out...
Trevor: The Ayatollah would suck as a roommate... just so you know...
--"Cupid" (ABC)

Curb Your Enthusiasm



_______________
Richard Lewis: Can't we have lunch or something and discuss this?
Larry: I can't.
Richard: Why not?
Larry: I've been auctioned off for some charity.
Richard: What is this, "Roots"?
--"Curb Your Enthusiasm" (HBO)



_______________
Larry: Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm deaf and I try to imagine what it's like not to be able to hear them. It's not that bad.
--"Curb Your Enthusiasm" (HBO)



_______________
Richard: You're looking at my girlfriend's breasts!
Larry: First of all, Richard, they're not breasts. They're not breasts, they're just big chemical balls...
--"Curb Your Enthusiasm" (HBO)

CSI


_____________________
Sara: What's that smell?
Nick: I'm nuking a burrito.
Sara: Mmm. Junk food and radiation. Good combo.
--“CSI: Crime Scene Investigation” (CBS)



_____________________
Catherine: Now tell me, why are we here?
Gil: Because this is the only place within 10 miles of Caulville Bay that serves Calamari.
Catherine: And you know this because...?
Gil: I come here for calamari.
Catherine: Alone?
Gil: No. Sometimes I have a beer with it...
--“CSI: Crime Scene Investigation” (CBS)



____________________
Sara Sidle: What do you think caused these marks?
Hodges: Give me more time. I'm not a miracle worker.
Sara Sidle: Well, that's obvious, Hodges. If you were a miracle worker, you wouldn't be rude.
--“CSI: Crime Scene Investigation” (CBS)



____________________
Warrick Brown: Who brings a gun to a knife fight?
Gil Grissom: The winner?
--“CSI: Crime Scene Investigation” (CBS)



_________________
Gil: If you chase two rabbits, you lose them both....
--“CSI: Crime Scene Investigation” (CBS)

CSI: Miami


______________
Horatio Caine: Alright, be on the lookout for an Eastern European male with bad teeth who may have access to an ape.
--"CSI: Miami" (CBS)



______________
Horatio Caine: Why didn't you tell us this earlier?
Suspect: I didn't think it'd look too good.
Horatio Caine: Well, it doesn't look too good right now.
--"CSI: Miami" (CBS)

Daily Show with Jon Stewart


__________________
Rob Coddry: See, if a pharmaceutical company advertises a prescription drug but doesn't say what it does, the FDA doesn't make them list the side effects. That's why the TV spots for the drugs I just mentioned don't give the foggiest indication for what those pills do other than that they seem to help old people ride tandem bicycles...
--"The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" (Comedy Central)



___________________
Jon Stewart: Samantha, could you describe what caused the blackout?
Samantha: Well, Jon, at about two in the afternoon, a power station overloaded at the Lake Erie Loop. The power grid failed. Jon?
Jon Stewart: Is that all?
Samantha: Pretty much.
Jon Stewart: Do you even know how the power is distributed?
Samantha Bee: Evenly?
--"The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" (Comedy Central)



______________________
Jon Stewart: Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake...
--"The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" (Comedy Central)

Deal or No Deal



_____________________
Howie Mandel: Before we decide, we will give you some help, so we brought out some close relatives, tell us who they are.
Contestant: Well, that is my sister, that is my mom, and this is my husband.
Howie Mandel: And they all have the last name Vann, right? So they are the "Minivans"...?
--"Deal or No Deal" (NBC)

Desperate Housewives


_____________
Mary Alice: There's a reason people can't wait for Christmas, and it has little to do with family reunions or curling up with a cup of eggnog or that unexpected kiss beneath the mistletoe or receiving a present from that special someone. No, people look forward to Christmas because they know it's a time for miracles...
--"Desperate Housewives" (ABC)


_____________
Lynette: Yep. Go ahead, say it. I know you want to.
Tom: This is all your fault. You should've listened to me.
Lynette: I know. But be fair. There is no way I could've anticipated this.
Tom: You tell people Frankenstein's on the loose, then you're surprised to see the torch-wielding villagers?
--"Desperate Housewives" (ABC)


_____________
Susan: Is Edie getting you a good lawyer?
Mike: I doubt it. She dumped me today.
Susan: What? Why?
Mike: Well, I was arrested for murder.
Susan: Still. It's tacky...
--"Desperate Housewives" (ABC)

Doctor Who


____________________
The Doctor: Listen, there are no measurements in infinity. You humans have got such limited little minds. I don't know why I like you so much...
Sarah: Because you have such good taste.
The Doctor: That's true. That's very true.
--"Doctor Who" (BBC)



_____________
Doctor: That's right, yes, you're going. Gone for ages. Already gone. Still here. Just arrived. Haven't even met you. It all depends on who you are and how you look at it... Strange business, Time.....
--"Doctor Who" (BBC)



_____________________
Fitzwilliam: He is said to be the best swordsman in France.
The Doctor: Well, fortunately, we are in England.
--"Doctor Who" (BBC)



____________________
Brigadier: Believe me, Doctor, the place is impregnable.
The Doctor: Never cared much for the word ‘impregnable’. Sounds a bit too much like ‘unsinkable’.
Brigadier: What’s wrong with ‘unsinkable’?
The Doctor: Nothing, as the Iceberg said to the Titanic…
--"Doctor Who" (BBC)



__________________
Doctor: The TARDIS, when working properly, is capable of many amazing things. Not unlike myself....
--"Doctor Who" (BBC)



___________________
Sara: So far, so good...
Doctor: ...said the man as he fell from the skyscraper...
--"Doctor Who" (BBC)



____________________________
Doctor: You know, the very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common: they don't alter their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views, which can be uncomfortable, if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering....
--"Doctor Who" (BBC)



____________________________
Doctor: One solid hope is worth a cartload of certainties..
--"Doctor Who" (BBC)



____________________
Doctor : A straight line may be the shortest distance between two points, but it is by no means the most interesting....
--"Doctor Who" (BBC)

The Drew Carey Show

______________________
Drew: If frogs could fly... well, we'd still be in this mess, but wouldn't it be neat?
--"The Drew Carey Show" (ABC)



______________________
Kate: Oh, my God! How could you lie on the Bible?
Lewis: Well, it's simple. I'm a single, 41 year-old janitor. What's God gonna do? Take that away from me?
--"The Drew Carey Show" (ABC)



______________________
Drew: Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar...
--"The Drew Carey Show" (ABC)



______________________
Kate: Drew, there's a fine line between a hobby and psychosis. And even if there wasn't, this wouldn't be a hobby....
--"The Drew Carey Show" (ABC)



_______________
Mimi: You know, kids, Drew's head is just like a piñata. If you hit his head enough times when he's sleeping, candy comes out...
--"The Drew Carey Show" (ABC)

Ed


____________________________
Ed: I was wondering, how much power does the prom queen actually wield? Could you have like, say, bombed Belgium?
--“Ed” (NBC)



_________________
Judge: Mr. Stevens, where's your attorney?
Ed: Actually, Your Honor, I'm representing myself in this matter.
Judge: Haven't you heard the saying, "He who represents himself has a fool for a client?"
Ed:Yes sir, I have, and I tried my best to convince me not to hire me to represent myself, but I simply refused to listen to me.
--“Ed” (NBC)



_________________
Mike: Who would win in a fight: a big, strong guy or an invisible fat guy?
--“Ed” (NBC)

Entourage


____________________
Vince: Johnny Depp's got the kinda career I want.
Eric: Johhny Depp did "Pirates of the Caribbean". And if I'm not mistaken, he wore a swashbuckling costume and carried a sword.
Turtle: Yeah, but he already dresses like that in real life, though.
--"Entourage" (HBO)


____________________
Turtle: Vince, I want this guy’s job. He’s sitting on easy street.
Eric: Oh Turtle, please. You’re like a three time lotto winner....
--"Entourage" (HBO)


_____________________
Drama: I had an Italian sports car in ninety four, they’re a delight.
Turtle: You had a Fiat, Drama...
Drama: Italian nonetheless...
--"Entourage" (HBO)


_____________________
Drama: It’s kind of emasculating having your kid brother pay for your head shots.
Eric: Oh... and what having him pay for the rest of your life is empowering?
--"Entourage" (HBO)



____________________________
Ari Gold: You know what they feed people on an Indy set, Vinne? Nothing! They don't give you a trailer. They tell you to go sit on an apple box. Ever try to bang an extra on an apple box?
Eric: Well, if anybody could do it, Vince could.
Vince: I do have great balance...
--"Entourage" (HBO)

E.R.


_________________
Abby: In what possible universe would I say "Let's polka?"
--E.R. (NBC)


_________________
Greene: Mr. Kennie can go home, there's no known cure for being a pain in the ass...
--E.R. (NBC)

Felicity


_____________________
Javier: They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." But that's like saying, "Butter knives don't spread butter on bread, people spread butter on bread." Of course, that's true, but that doesn't make it a smart thing to say...
--"Felicity" (WB)


_____________________
Ben: You know what? Not everybody's like you. All right? Crazy, sensitive, and always judging everybody.
Felicity: I don't always judge everybody, I always judge you...
--"Felicity" (WB)

Firefly


__________________
Dr. Simon Tam; I swear, when it's appropriate.
Kaylee Frye; Simon, the whole point of swearing is that it ain't appropriate.
--"Firefly" (FOX)


__________________
Hoban: This sounds like something from Science Fiction.
Zoë: Honey, we live in a space ship....
--"Firefly" (FOX)


__________________
Zoë: I know somethin' ain't right.
Hoban: Sweetie, we're crooks. If everything were right we'd be in jail...
--"Firefly" (FOX)


__________________
Lawrence: All right, I can see you're not an idiot.
Jayne: Well, I wish I could say the same, Lawrence...
--"Firefly" (FOX)

Flight of the Conchords


____________________
Bret: After 6 or 7 weeks, girls find me boring. But I’m not sure what happens because I think that’s how long it takes to get to know someone....
--"Flight of the Conchords" (HBO)



____________________
Jemaine: Why would I stand next to big magnets, Murray?
Murray: I don't know what you do in your personal life...
--"Flight of the Conchords" (HBO)



____________________
Murray: Lots of New Zealanders come over here and they come into my office and I give them the vest, a map, and I tell them to stay clear of crowds by going through back alleys. And yet almost every day a New Zealander is mugged.
--"Flight of the Conchords" (HBO)


____________________
Jemaine: Man, back in New Zealand I was getting it on with lots of chicks.
Bret: Who?
Jemaine: Well, ah, Sarah Fitzpatrick, Michelle Fitzpatrick, Claire Fitzpatrick... the list goes on.
Bret: That was all of them.
Jemaine: Well, triple figures.
Bret: No that's not triple figures. That's three...
--"Flight of the Conchords" (HBO)


_________________
Jemaine: (To thugs) You better be careful. Bret knows karate.
Bret: Yeah, I've got a book on karate... haven't actually read it yet.
--"Flight of the Conchords" (HBO)


_________________
Jermaine: You're so pretty, like a tree or a high-class prostitute.
--"Flight of the Conchords" (HBO)

Frasier


_____________________
Niles: Well, this has been kind of fun, but I must really run. I'm conducting a seminar for multiple personality disorders and it takes me forever to fill out the name tags...
--"Frasier" (NBC)


_____________________
Frasier: Niles, I would shave my head for you.
Niles: A gesture which becomes less significant with each passing year.
--"Frasier" (NBC)


_____________________
Niles: Those were awful, those family driving vacations. Dad insisting on covering as many miles as possible in a day; the two of us, tiny hostages in the back seat, clutching our car sickness bags, straining to see something out of the window as the landscape whizzed by. I was 13 before I realized cows aren't blurry....
--"Frasier" (NBC)


__________________
Martin: This is Eddie. We like to call him 'Eddie Spaghetti'...
Daphne: Why, does he like pasta?
Martin: No, he's got worms...
--"Frasier" (NBC)


__________________
Frasier: I hate lawyers.
Niles: Oh, me too, but they make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insurance, and they never get better.
--"Frasier" (NBC)


__________________
Marie: Am I crazy or are you breaking up with me?
Frasier: They're not completely unrelated.
--"Frasier" (NBC)


__________________
Frasier: You know Daphne, it's going to be quite a hoot this weekend. You sure you don't want to join us?
Daphne: Gutting fish, watching home movies and hosing down your father's pants. It does sound tempting...
--"Frasier" (NBC)


__________________
Frasier: Niles, before you do something rash, you should consider it from all angles.
Niles: I've spent three years considering Daphne from all angles...
--"Frasier" (NBC)



________________
Frasier: Oh, joy, Christmas Eve. By this time tomorrow, millions of Americans, knee-deep in tinsel and wrapping paper will utter those heartfelt words, 'Is this all I got?'
--"Frasier" (NBC)



_____________________
Frasier: There's an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the Tunneling Electron Microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building block of our universe. If I were using that microscope right now....I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem.
--"Frasier" (NBC)

Friends


_____________________
Joey: You don't own a TV? What's all your furniture pointed at?
--"Friends" (NBC)


_____________________
Rachel: Guess what, GUESS WHAT?!
Chandler: The fifth dentist finally caved and now they ALL recommend Trident?
--"Friends" (NBC)

_____________________
Chandler: Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream.
Ross: Ah, the lesser known "I Don't Have a Dream" speech...
--"Friends" (NBC)


____________________
Monica: Chandler, here you go, got your traditional Thanksgiving feast, you got your tomato soup, your grilled cheese fixin's, and your family size bag of Funyuns...
Rachel: Wait, wait, Chandler, this is what you're having for Thanksgiving dinner? What, what, what is it with you and this holiday?
Chandler: All right, I'm nine years old... we just finished this magnificent Thanksgiving dinner. I have--and I remember this part vividly--a mouthful of pumpkin pie, and this is the moment my parents choose to tell me they're getting divorced.
Rachel: Oh my god.
Chandler: Yes. It's very difficult to appreciate a Thanksgiving dinner once you've seen it in reverse.
--"Friends" (NBC)


_____________________
Joey: Want some jam?
Chandler: No thanks, I just had a jar of mustard....
--"Friends" (NBC)


_____________________
Joey: It's a moo point.
Rachel: What?
Joey: You know, it's like a cow's opinion. It doesn't matter. It's moo.
Rachel: Have I been living with him too long or did that just all make sense?
--"Friends" (NBC)



_____________________
Ross: You never read Lord of the Rings in high school?
Joey: No, I had sex in high school.
--"Friends" (NBC)


_____________________
Phoebe: If you want to receive e-mails about my upcoming shows, then please give me money so I can buy a computer....
--"Friends" (NBC)


_____________________
Ross: What are you doing?
Chandler: Making chocolate milk. You want some?
Ross: No thanks, I'm 29.
--"Friends" (NBC)



_____________________
Joey: What the hell does a paleontologist need a beeper for?
Monica: Is it like for dinosaur emergencies? "Help, come quick, they're still extinct!"
--"Friends" (NBC)



___________________
Joey: You can't have Thanksgiving without turkey. That's like Fourth of July without apple pie, or Friday with no two pizzas....
--"Friends" (NBC)


___________________
Ross: What is with everyone today? It's Thanksgiving not Truth Day!
--"Friends" (NBC)



___________________
Rachel: So are things between you and Joey getting any better?
Chandler: It couldn't get any worse. Last night, I spent eight hours calling him, trying to get him to talk to me.
Rachel: Oh, wow. Eight hours. So you could probably really use one of those plug-in telephone headsets, huh?
Ross: Should we all expect Christmas gifts that can be stolen from your office?
--"Friends" (NBC)

From the Earth to the Moon


_____________________
NASA Flight Director Chris Kraft: Rendezvous: two spacecraft meeting up in orbit. Want to have fun? Come over to my house. You stand in the back yard, I'll stand in the front, you throw a tennis ball over my roof and I'll try to hit it with a rock as it comes sailing over. That's what we're going to have to do...
--"From the Earth to the Moon" (HBO)


_____________________
(about the Lunar Module)
Astronaut James McDivitt: It's a beautiful machine, Tom!
Tom Kelly: It is, isn't it?
Rusty Schweikart: You really think that thing is beautiful?
McDivitt: God no, it looks like a toaster oven with legs, but I'm not gonna tell him that...
--"From the Earth to the Moon" (HBO)


_____________________
(Briefing the simulator room technicians during Apollo 11 training)
Honeycutt: For the next three months you and I will do everything in our power to see that these men are able to land safely, which means that for the next three months we must do everything in our power to kill them...
--"From the Earth to the Moon" (HBO)

Gilmore Girls


__________________
Lane: The very concept of childbirth is vaguely disturbing.
Rory: Yeah. Kids are cool and all, but getting there seems like a big cosmic joke.
Lane: Definitely thought up by a man...
--"Gilmore Girls" (WB)



__________________
Lorelai: So, apparently, I'm now the Reigning Lorelai.
Rory: Huh. I guess you are.
Lorelai: It's a lot of responsibility.
Rory: Well, sure.
Lorelai: I mean, it's mostly ceremonial stuff nowadays. Declaring knighthoods, opening supermarkets. But now and then, you get to banish someone or pose for a stamp.
--"Gilmore Girls" (WB)



__________________
Logan: Rory, you're special.
Rory: Like "stop-eating-the-paste" special?
--"Gilmore Girls" (WB)



_________________
Sookie: Okay, here we go. Low fat, whole wheat blueberry pancakes.
Michel: Are there 12?
Sookie: 12 what?
Michel: Blueberries. I can only have 12 blueberries for breakfast.
Sookie: Or what?
Michel: What do you mean, or what?
Sookie: What happens if you eat 13 blueberries?
Michel: This is a silly conversation.
Sookie: Would you die?
Michel: Just hand me the plate.
--"Gilmore Girls" (WB)



______________
Sookie: I will give it a 9.
Lorelai: 9.5
Sookie: What will make it a 10?
Lorelai: Another half point...
--"Gilmore Girls" (WB)



_____________
Lorelai: Michel - the phone!
Michel: Yes. It rings.
Lorelai: Can you answer it?
Michel: No. People are particularly stupid today. I can't talk to any more of them...
--"Gilmore Girls" (WB)



_____________
Lorelai: This is it. She can finally go to Harvard like she's always wanted and get the education that I never got and get to do all the things that I never got to do and then I can resent her for it and we can finally have a normal mother-daughter relationship...
--"Gilmore Girls" (WB)



_____________
Rory: I can't be late on my first day of school. Do you know what happens to people when they're late on their first day?
Lorelai: It's shorter?
--"Gilmore Girls" (WB)



___________________
Lorelai: Hey, I should bring steak sauce, right?
Rory: For what?
Lorelai: Pizza.
Rory: I just got back from Italy.
Lorelai: So?
Rory: So they'd shoot you in Italy for that.
Lorelai: But this is America, where we unapologetically bastardize other countries' cultures in a gross quest for moral and military supremacy...
Rory: I forgot. Bring on the imperialistic condiments.
--"Gilmore Girls" (WB)



____________________
Marty: Okay. I actually snagged us some caviar. They were all out of toast points, but I think we can use Doritos and achieve a very similar result...
--"Gilmore Girls" (WB)

Golden Girls

______________________
Sophia: I hate Jell-O. If God wanted peaches suspended in midair, He would have filled them with helium.....
--"The Golden Girls" (NBC)

Good Eats


_____________________
Alton Brown: Now, wet stuff does not like sticking to other wet ...stuff. It's one of those universal axioms that keeps the galaxy from ripping itself to shreds and dissolving into the void.
Marsha Brown: That's funny. I could have sworn that was gravity.
Alton: That's one of them, too.
--"Good Eats" (Food Network)


_____________________
Alton Brown: All of life's big problems include the words "indictment" or "inoperable." Everything else is small stuff.
--"Good Eats" (Food Network)


_____________________
Alton Brown: So on one hand, honey is an amazingly sophisticated and efficient food source. On the other hand it's bee backwash...
--"Good Eats" (Food Network)


_____________________
Last year, I made a refrigerator in my basement. And I needed to because I needed to figure how; you know there is no such thing as "cold." There is only less heat...
--"Good Eats" (Food Network)


_____________________
Alton Brown: Slicing a warm slab of bacon is a lot like giving a ferret a shave. No matter how careful you are, somebody's going to get hurt.
--"Good Eats" (Food Network)


______________________
Alton Brown: Now, medium starch potatoes do look kind of like Russets but they always have a lighter kind of thinner skin. Now, varieties like this Yukon Gold, Kennebecs, Superiors or, say, these California Longs are for some reason always marketed as white. Racism. It's ugly. Even in tubers.
--"Good Eats" (Food Network)

Grey's Anatomy


____________________
Meredith: Intimacy is a four syllable word for, "Here's my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy." It's both desired, and feared…
--“Grey’s Anatomy” (ABC)



_______________
Meredith: At the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. Some things you say cause there's no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves....
--"Grey's Anatomy" (ABC)



___________________
Meredith: At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them.
--"Grey's Anatomy" (ABC)



___________________
George: This shift is a marathon, not a sprint. Eat.
Izzie: I can't.
George: You should eat something.
Izzie: You try eating after performing 17 rectal exams.
--"Grey's Anatomy" (ABC)


______________
Meredith: A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say.... Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying...
--"Grey's Anatomy" (ABC)



_______________
Cristina: You could scatter her off the roof.
Meredith: She was afraid of heights.
Cristina: The ashes Meredith. The ashes aren’t acrophobic.
--"Grey's Anatomy" (ABC)



_______________
Derek: You're like the worst, most juvenile human being I've ever met in my life.
Mark: You know the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem?
Derek: How many nurses have you slept with this week?
Mark: That's not a problem, man. That’s an adventure!
--"Grey's Anatomy" (ABC)


__________________________
Isobel: I'm knitting a sweater. Actually Meredith, that's my friend - the friend that broke George - is knitting a sweater. She's not really knitting a sweater because she can not knit but I want her to think she is knitting a sweater because she and I took a celibacy vow so she's replacing sex with knitting and so I'm knitting pieces of Meredith's sweater so that I can switch them out with hers so that she can really believe she's knitting because if anybody needs to be celibate, it's Meredith because she broke George.
--"Grey's Anatomy" (ABC)

Heroes



___________________
Hiro: My only concern is should I hide my true identity? A costume maybe?
Ando: You start talking about capes and tights and I'm out of here.
--"Heroes" (NBC)

House


______________________
Dr. Cuddy: You put him on the medication Lupra?
House: Uh-huh.
Dr. Cuddy: And you told him it was like milk?
House: Yes.
Dr. Cuddy: Is there any way in which that is not a lie?
House: …It's creamy?
--“House” (FOX)


___________________
Dr. Foreman: He probably just moved. Nobody stays perfectly still for their MRI...
House: Yeah, he probably got restless and shifted one hemisphere of his brain to a more comfortable position.
--“House” (FOX)



______________________
Rachel Adler: I just want to die with a little dignity.
House: There's no such thing! Our bodies break down, sometimes when we're 90, sometimes before we're even born, but it always happens and there's never any dignity in it! I don't care if you can walk, see, wipe your own ass... it's always ugly, always! You can live with dignity; you can't die with it....
--“House” (FOX)

______________________
House: You told me you hadn't changed your diet or exercise. Were you lying?
Samantha: Lying?
House: Does your husband have high blood pressure?
Samantha: My husband?
House: Yeah, see, if you're going to repeat everything I say, this conversation's going to take twice as long.
--“House” (FOX)


______________________
House: Fine, I'll never do it again.
Dr. Foreman: Yes you will!
House: All the more reason this discussion is pointless.
--“House” (FOX)


______________________
Dr. Wilson: Did your pager really go off, or are you ditching the conversation?
House: Why can't both be true?
--“House” (FOX)


______________________
Bill: Joey is not gay.
House: Maybe not gay, but certainly delightful.
--“House” (FOX)


____________________
Stacy: God, you are such an idiot.
House: Actually, I thought I was more of a jerk....
--“House” (FOX)


______________________
House: Is this an intervention? You're a little late, since I'm not using drugs anymore. I am, however, still hooked on phonics....
--“House” (FOX)



___________________
Dr. Wilson: So your philosophy is, if they don't want treatment they get it shoved down their throat, but if it might cure their paralysis, Whoa, you'd better slow down.
House: Yeah, My old philosophy used to be ‘Live and Let Live', but I'm taking this needlepoint class and they gave us these really big pillows.
Dr. Wilson: What's your philosophy on employee relations?
House: That's a very tiny pillow.
--“House” (FOX)



________________
House: 'Cause they're useless. Could probably scan every one of us and find five different doodads that look like cancer. But, when you're 4th-down, 100 to go, in the snow, you don't call a running play up the middle. Unless you're the Jets...
--“House” (FOX)

How I Met Your Mother


____________________
Robin: Bras suck. They're so confining and unnatural.
Lily: Yeah, they're like a boobie zoo....
--"How I Met Your Mother" (CBS)



____________________
Robin: Okay, I've missed you. Not in a "we're gonna make out" way, not even in an "I forgive you" way. Just in an "I've missed you" way.
Ted: I'll take what I can get.
--"How I Met Your Mother" (CBS)



_____________________
Barney: Dude, lots of chicks think that architects are hot. Think about that, you create something out of nothing. You're like God. There is no one hotter than God.
Ted: I love it when you quote scripture...
--"How I Met Your Mother" (CBS)



_____________
Barney: Architects are hot, how do you think Mr. Brady scored a girl like Carol?
--"How I Met Your Mother" (CBS)

The Incredible Hulk


_____________________
Dr. Caroline Fields: It's a shame Dr. Banner died in that lab fire. His work on recombinant DNA was brilliant.
Dr. David Banner: (pause) Thank you.
Dr. Fields: (pause) David Banner died three years ago....
Dr. Banner: ...no....
Dr. Fields: But why?
Dr. Banner: Have you ever read any Robert Louis Stevenson?
Dr. Fields: "Treasure Island"?
Dr. Banner: "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde."
--"The Incredible Hulk" (CBS)



______________
David Banner: Mr. McGee, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry...
--"The Incredible Hulk" (CBS)

JAG

__________________
Bearer: How did you sabotage it?
Harm: With a Navy issue, thirty-four inch, brass tip cinch.
Bearer: What the hell is that?
Harm: My belt.
--"JAG" (CBS)



__________________
Harm: Sorry we're late, sir. We were misdirected.
Reed: Is that a pilot's way of saying lost, Lieutenant?
Harm: Pilots don't get lost, Mr. Reed. They’re momentarily disoriented.
--"JAG" (CBS)

Jimmy Kimmel Live


__________________
Jimmy Kimmel: He sat down for a one-on-one with Fox News. Very bold choice… Dick Cheney sitting down with Fox News is like Mrs. Butterworth sitting down with the Pancake Channel…
--“Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC)


__________________
Jimmy: Congratulations to Charlie Sheen, who's marrying his longtime girlfriend. I have to say... Charlie Sheen has a longtime girlfriend?
--“Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC)


__________________
Jimmy: Former baseball star Jose Canseco has a new book out. It’s a tell-all autobiography in which he claims he injected his former teammate, superstar Mark McGwire, with steroids. He also claims that President Bush, who was then a co-owner of the Texas Rangers, was aware of steroid use among players. A White House spokesperson says Bush was not aware of it, nor was he aware of most anything during the early '90s. Mark McGwire vehemently denies the accusation – he got so angry when he heard about it, he picked up his house and threw it onto the freeway.
--“Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC)

Just Shoot Me

_____________________
Donnie: Fresh breath is an oral handshake.
--"Just Shoot Me" (NBC)

The Larry Sanders Show


__________________
Arthur: Your fly is undone.
Larry: Oh, thanks.
Arthur: Just doing my job.
Larry: It's your job to look at my crotch?
Arthur: I consider it one of my perks.
--"The Larry Sanders Show" (HBO)


_________________
Larry: Hey Warren!
Warren Beatty: [disinterested] Hey Larry.
Larry: Hey listen, would you like to come on my show tomorrow night and just say hello and goodbye to me? Because it's the end of the whole thing tomorrow night.
Warren: I could just say goodbye to you now....
--"The Larry Sanders Show" (HBO)

Late Night with Conan O'Brien


___________
Conan: You shot the Easter Bunny!
Will Ferrell: He made a menacing gesture at me!
Conan: I think he was trying to give you an egg!
Will Ferrell: Why is the Easter Bunny even here, Conan? It's not Easter!
Conan O'Brien: I don't know, he just likes to hang around the studio sometimes...
--"Late Night with Conan O'Brien" (NBC)



_______________
Conan: Now as I mentioned in the monologue, or as I like to call it - quiet time...
--"Late Night with Conan O'Brien" (NBC)


_______________
Conan: Ben and J-Lo have announced that they want a small wedding. So they decided to invite all the people who saw "Gigli".
--"Late Night with Conan O'Brien" (NBC)



________________
Conan: Intelligence reports say that Osama bin Laden's personal physician has been successfully captured. Right now, the Army is also attempting to capture his dentist and his Pilates instructor.
--"Late Night with Conan O'Brien" (NBC)



________________
Conan: Mel Gibson wrote a children's book. It's called "Jesus Christ and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day".
--"Late Night with Conan O'Brien" (NBC)


________________
Conan: Have you ever had Fruity Pebbles? Once that stuff hits milk, it turns into a narcotic!
--"Late Night with Conan O'Brien" (NBC)



________________
Conan: People of Quebec! I am an albino jackass.
--"Late Night with Conan O'Brien" (NBC)



____________________________
Conan O’Brien: The New York Daily News reports that Leonard Nimoy, Star Trek’s Mr. Spock, will star in a pain-reliever ad during the Super Bowl. Star Trek fans were excited by this news and asked…”what’s the Super Bowl”?
--"Late Night with Conan O'Brien" (NBC)

Late Show with David Letterman


_____________________
If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with pool cues, who would win?
1) Ricky Schroder
2) Gary Coleman
3) The television viewing public
--"Late Show with David Letterman" (CBS)



_________________________
(Letterman is working at McDonald's)
David: Yes. Welcome to McDonald's. What do you want?
Customer: Hello...
David: Yeah, what can I do for you?
Customer: Medium Sprite.
David: Yeah, what can I do for you?
Customer: Sprite.
David: Medium Sprite?
Customer: That's it.
David: That's all?
Customer: Yes.
David: You couldn't have gotten out of your car for a medium Sprite?
--"Late Show with David Letterman" (CBS)



___________________
David: Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, "Konsult Kardiologist"...
--"Late Show with David Letterman" (CBS)



_____________________
David: Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?
--"Late Show with David Letterman" (CBS)



_____________________
David: Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
--"Late Show with David Letterman" (CBS)



_____________________
David: USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population...
--"Late Show with David Letterman" (CBS)



________________
Dave: In just a few minutes, my son will have completed his first trip around the sun....
--"Late Show with David Letterman" (CBS)

Lost

__________________
Charlie: They'll find us. They have satellites in space that can take pictures of your license plate.
Sayid: If only we were all wearing license plates....
--"Lost" (ABC)



___________________
Locke: Yeah, Jack, I've been running through the jungle toward the sound of gunfire because I don't care about Michael.
--"Lost" (ABC)



____________________
Charlie: She's got a bit to learn about being a mom. Responsibility, y'know.
Locke: Hmm. Now that's an interesting thing to say for a heroin addict.
--"Lost" (ABC)



____________________
Hurley: I do too exercise!
Carmen: Falling down is not exercise...
--"Lost" (ABC)



____________________
Shannon: So, does all this - the tent, flowers - mean that we're serious?
Sayid: Quite definitely not. I do this for all the girls I meet on deserted islands...
--"Lost" (ABC)



______________
Sawyer: Oh, well I'm sorry. I just figure if we are going to war, we'd want the one guy who's actually been in a war....
--"Lost" (ABC)



_____________
Charlie: Right... so to prove your sanity you go tromping through the jungle. Alone. Well done...
--"Lost" (ABC)



_______________
Jack: You picking up a little Korean there, Michael?
Michael: Yeah, I'm pretty sure I know how to say "faster" and "idiot"...
--"Lost" (ABC)

Malcolm in the Middle

______________
Lois: Look at those Parker boys across the street. They may be healthy, but, honest to God, those are the ugliest little boys ever born. They look like boiled beets, don't you think? And those Henderson kids? They electrocuted their dog when they were trying to get free cable. How smart can they be? Just remember, any kid who makes fun of you is a creepy little loser who will end up working in a car wash....
--"Malcolm in the Middle" (FOX)


______________
Malcolm: I did the math once; it turns out, every 17.4 dinners, my family actually has a pleasant meal together....
--"Malcolm in the Middle" (FOX)


______________
Lois: Fate is what you call it when you don't know the name of the person screwing you over...
--"Malcolm in the Middle" (FOX)


______________
Francis: Okay, I'm going to show you guys the coolest thing you have even seen. Get me some lighter fluid, a waffle iron, and one of Dewey's stuffed animals, the furrier the better...
--"Malcolm in the Middle" (FOX)

M*A*S*H


_____________________
Burns: Why does everyone take an instant dislike to me?
Trapper: It saves time, Frank...
--"M*A*S*H" (CBS)


_____________________
Frank: Funny thing, war: never have so many suffered so much so so few could be so happy.
Margaret: We're lucky to be two of the few and not the many.
Frank: I know, darling, and I love being both of us.
--"M*A*S*H" (CBS)


_____________________
Hawkeye: I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun...
--"M*A*S*H" (CBS)

Miami Vice


_________________
Brenda: How do you go from this tranquility to that violence?
Sonny Crockett: I usually take the Ferrari....
--"Miami Vice" (NBC)



_________________
Izzy Moreno: You know what they say about architecture, it's like frozen music...
--"Miami Vice" (NBC)



_________________
Crockett: Man, it's so hot you could fry an egg on my face.
Tubbs: Hope I never get that hungry.
--"Miami Vice" (NBC)

Monk


______________________
Adrian Monk: How you doing, "Toy Store"?
Disher: What did you call me?
Adrian Monk: "Toy Store." Your name's Disher. Dish, plate, Plato, Play-Doh. Where do you buy Play-Doh?
Disher: (sigh) Toy store...
--"Monk", USA.


______________________
Adrian Monk: I haven't needed a babysitter since I was nineteen.
Sharona Fleming: You needed a babysitter when you were nineteen?
Adrian Monk: Everyone did. It was the late Seventies. It was a crazy time.
--"Monk", USA.

Monty Python's Flying Circus


_________________
BBC Voiceover: We interrupt this program to annoy you and make things generally irritating.
--"Monty Python's Flying Circus" (BBC)



_________________
Interviewer: Good evening. Well, we have in the studio tonight a man who says things in a very roundabout way. Isn't that so, Mr Pudifoot?
Mr. Pudifoot: Yes.
Interviewer: Have you always said things in a very roundabout way?
Mr. Pudifoot: Yes.
Interviewer: Well, I can't help noticing that, for someone who claims to say things in a very roundabout way, your last two answers have had very little of the discursive quality about them...
--"Monty Python's Flying Circus" (BBC)

Moonlighting


_________________
David: And then last night, an idea hit me!
Maddie: Left a bruise, I hope.
David: Who is the one person out there, who is spreading happiness and joy out there in the world?
Maddie: Steven Spielberg?
--"Moonlighting" (ABC)


_________________
Maddie: Unhand me!
David: I'll try, but I don't think they'll come off...
--"Moonlighting" (ABC)


_________________
Man: You can't just burst in here like that.
David Addison: Oh yeah? Tell that to the writers.
--"Moonlighting" (ABC)

My So-Called Life


_____________
Angela: My parents keep asking "How was school?" It's like saying "How was that drive-by shooting?" You don't care how it was - you're lucky to get out alive...
--"My So-Called Life" (ABC)



_____________
Angela: Sometimes I think if my mother wasn't so good at pretending to be happy she might be better at actually being happy...
--"My So-Called Life" (ABC)

Mystery Science Theater 3000


_____________________
Gypsy: Guys, that's not cheese...
--"Mystery Science Theater 3000" (Comedy Central)


_____________________
Tom Servo: This has been a test. Had this been an actual movie, you would have been entertained...
--"Mystery Science Theater 3000" (Comedy Central)


_____________________
Dr. Forrester: As a scientist, I'm constantly working with materials that threaten life on a global scale, and, sometimes, they spill...
--"Mystery Science Theater 3000" (Comedy Central)


_____________________
Tom Servo: So, Mike, turtles excrete wax and you humans put it in cans and rub it all over your cars?
--"Mystery Science Theater 3000" (Comedy Central)


_____________________
Crow: Ooo. I bet that would taste great with drawn butter. Of course, I'd eat my own HEAD with drawn butter.
--"Mystery Science Theater 3000" (Comedy Central)


_____________________
Tom Servo: What do you think the lesson of the movie was?
Crow: Don't watch it?
--"Mystery Science Theater 3000" (Comedy Central)


_____________________
Crow: I have my doubts that this movie is actually "starring" anybody. More like "camera is generally pointed at."
Tom Servo: Gee, even the movie "The Fog" didn't have this much fog....
--"Mystery Science Theater 3000" (Comedy Central)


_____________________
Tom Servo -- Who knew that Hall's vapor action could be so powerful?
--"Mystery Science Theater 3000" (Comedy Central)


_____________________
Dr. Forrester: Larry and I have developed a new chain of fast food restaurants with very low overhead because we don't cook our food....
--"Mystery Science Theater 3000" (Comedy Central)

________________
(watching "The Incredible Melting Man"....)
Mike: Is there a "Credible" Melting Man...?
--"Mystery Science Theater 3000" (Comedy Central)


________________
Tom Servo: Filmed in Vermont, the other, smaller Wisconsin....
--"Mystery Science Theater 3000" (Comedy Central)


________________
Tom Servo: Forty-seven Keebler Elves were killed when a light plane crashed into their tree today...
Mike: E.L. Fudge is in serious condition.....
--"Mystery Science Theater 3000" (Comedy Central)


________________
Dr. Forrester: Frank, I'll give you three seconds to stop licking my face....
TV's Frank: Count slow...
--"Mystery Science Theater 3000" (Comedy Central)



________________
Actor: Gentlemen, it seems that we are not all in agreement.
Mike: I disagree!
--"Mystery Science Theater 3000" (Comedy Central)


_____________________
Mike: I have the feeling Satan would regret making this movie....
--"Mystery Science Theater 3000" (Comedy Central)

NewsRadio

_____________________
Dave: Normally at a time like this I'd ask you for advice, and you'd say something that would make no sense at all, but somehow it would all fit together. Like, I would tell you, "Sir, I have a problem," and you'd say, "Well, what is it?" and I'd say, "Well, sir, Lisa wants to have a baby, but she doesn't want to get married," and you'd say "Dave, why milk the cow when you have a fridge full of steaks?" And I'd say, "Sir, that makes no sense," and you'd say, "Well, it sure made sense when that guy Chuck Connors said it in that movie Chinatown," and I'd say, "Sir, Chuck Connors wasn't in Chinatown," and you'd say, "Dave, if I wanted to have this conversation I'd have hired that guy Siskel Ebert to do your job," and I'd say, "Sir, Siskel and Ebert are two people," and you'd say, "Dave, just because the man is fat is no reason to make fun of him."
--"Newsradio" (NBC)



________________________
Lisa: Just because you end a relationship with somebody doesn't mean you cut them out of your life.
Dave: Oh really? Isn't that actually the definition of ending a relationship??
--"Newsradio" (NBC)



___________________
Beth: My mother always said I had a pretty singing voice
Bill: Well, my mother made me wear a dress until I was 9. They make mistakes.
--"NewsRadio" (NBC)



__________________
[Beth finds out that Dave and Lisa made out]
Beth: Dave, there is no avoiding it. When you make out with a co-worker, you have an ugly scene in the office and then the next thing you know, I am at home crying my eyes out because I'm afraid to come into work the next morning!
Dave: We're not talking about me anymore, are we?
Beth: No we're not, Dave, we're talking about me now.
Dave: You and, uh...
Beth: The Fed-Ex guy.
Dave: We don't use Fed-Ex.
Beth: Not anymore.
--"NewsRadio" (NBC)



____________________
[Catherine interviews Tom P. Baxter, "business visionary"]
Catherine: I realize no one can actually predict the future, but I understand you have a unique insight into where we might be headed as we approach the turn of the century.
Tom: Yeah I do. As I see it Catherine, the future of business, well the future of this country in fact is... computers.
Catherine: Computers. Okay, would you care to elaborate on that?
Tom: Oh, you bet! I think computers are great! You can keep records on them, play games, they're, well they're like magic.
Catherine: Uh-huh...
Tom: I mean I don't have one yet. But I'm gonna get one, you better believe that.
Catherine: What exactly do you do for a living Tom?
Tom: Well I'm between things right now, but all that's gonna change just as soon as I get a computer!
--"NewsRadio" (NBC)



____________
Bill: What's interesting about radio?
Dave: Well I think it's a fascinating medium.
Bill: You're from Wisconsin. Artificial light is fascinating to you....
--"NewsRadio" (NBC)



___________
Bill: They're an acquired taste. Like a good wine or cheese, a sandwich needs to be properly aged. In the olden day, a country squire would age his pheasants for weeks before they were deemed fit for consumption.
Lisa: In the olden days, people used to die of ptomaine poisoning and blamed it on ghosts.
Bill: All this talk about aged lunch meat and ghosts has made me peckish. I'll be at the sandwich machine if I'm needed.
--"NewsRadio" (NBC)

Northern Exposure

__________________
Grandma Woody: All we are, basically, are monkeys with car keys.....
--"Northern Exposure" (CBS)



__________________
Dr. Joel Fleischman: [on chess] This is considered a spectator sport? I've had more fun watching slush melt.
--"Northern Exposure" (CBS)



__________________
Leonard: The path to our destination is not always a straight one, Ed. We go down the wrong road, we get lost, we turn back. Maybe it doesn't matter which road we embark on. Maybe what matters is that we embark.
--"Northern Exposure" (CBS)

Numb3rs


______________
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: You know that it's considered unsolvable?
Charlie Eppes: Well, certainly people who have failed to solve it might think that.
--"Numb3rs" (CBS)


_____________________
Don (picks up paper airplane off floor): Who made this?
Charlie: Me. Why?
Don: Well, wings are a little thin here, buddy.
Charlie: Forgive me if all my years of advanced applied mathematics take issue with that assessment.
Don: Yeah, well, you’ll forgive me if all my years of high school detention say I’m right.
--"Numb3rs" (CBS)


________________
David: What's the first thing a New Yorker notices about L.A.?
Megan: No good pizza.
David: Okay, what's the second thing?
--"Numb3rs" (CBS)

________________
Amita Ramanujan: Oh, by the way...Larry called, from his string theory conference. He was confused about something.
Charlie Eppes: What, his--his double special relativity theory?
Amita Ramanujan: No. Whether he was in St. Louis or Cleveland.
Charlie Eppes: (sighs) He's so geographically challenged. Where is his conference?
Amita Ramanujan: Minneapolis.
--"Numb3rs" (CBS)

_________________
Oswald Kittner: I get shot at and you guys respond to it by doing math?
Charlie Eppes: That's how we roll at CalSci.
--"Numb3rs" (CBS)

_____________________
Charlie:: You're rocketing into space Larry, there's no downside in packing a lucky shirt.
--"Numb3rs" (CBS)


______________________
Larry: Well, it's only six months, though I will be traveling two hundred and fifty miles above the earth at eighteen thousand miles an hour. It's only a phone call away...albeit a very expensive phone call.
--"Numb3rs" (CBS)


________________________
Charlie Eppes: Dad got shot. During a hold up at a grocery store. It was pretty...upsetting.
Don Eppes: Yeah, I bet.
Charlie Eppes: And Mom made pancakes.
Don Eppes: Pancakes?
Charlie Eppes: I don't even dream normally...
--"Numb3rs" (CBS)

The Office

_______________
Toby: Didn’t you lose a lot of money from that other investment? The one from the email?
Michael: You know what Toby? When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly -- asking you for help – you help. His father ran the freaking country OK?
--"The Office" (NBC)


_______________________
Kelly: I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died….that was the saddest funeral ever..... That, and my sisters'…
--"The Office" (NBC)


_______________
Pam: Okay, well, sometimes the gift is really about the gesture, you know, like.... What it means instead of what it is…
Dwight: You mean…like a ham?
Pam: No…not ham…
--"The Office" (NBC)


____________________
Michael: People I respect, heroes of mine would be Bob Hope. Abraham Lincoln, definitely. Bono. Uh, and probably God would be the fourth one. I just think all those people really helped the world in so many ways. That it's, uh, really beyond words. It's really incalculacable.
--"The Office" (NBC)



__________
Michael: New York City...great places to eat. We have Bubba Gump Shrimp…Red Lobster down there. You know? This is the heart of civilization.
--"The Office" (NBC)


_____________________
Michael: Jim, now is the time to stop putting Dwight's personal effects into Jell-O.
Jim: Ok. Dwight I'm sorry, because I've always been your biggest flan.
Ryan: You should've put him in custardy.
Michael: Hey yes!!! New guy! He scores!!!
--"The Office" (NBC)


___________
Dwight: Michael wants us to bond..so we need topics of conversation...
Jim: Ponies?
Dwight: No.
Ryan: How about Rainbows?
Dwight: NO.
Jim: Flowers?
--"The Office" (NBC)


_________________
Jim: Because right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train...
--"The Office" (NBC)


____________________
Michael: Abraham Lincoln once said that "If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North" and these are the principles I carry with me in the workplace....
--"The Office" (NBC)


_____________________
(ordering at Chili’s...)
Michael: May we have an awesome blossom please? Extra awesome?
--"The Office" (NBC)


_____________
Michael: I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don't have a butler, I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it's good for me, it's the perfect way to start the day...
--"The Office" (NBC)


_____________________
Jim: You work here, don't you want good insurance?
Dwight: Don't need it. Never been sick. Perfect immune system.
Jim: Ok, well if you've never been sick, then you don't have any antibodies.
Dwight: I don't need them. Superior genes. I'm a Schrute...and superior brain-power. Through concentration I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight: So I can lower it...
--"The Office" (NBC)


______________
Dwight: The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need because someone in this office is coming up with ridiculous stuff. Count Choculitis.
Jim: Sounds tough.
Dwight : Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
--"The Office" (NBC)


___________________
Stanley: Michael, you remember my daughter Melissa.
Michael: Oh yes. Hello. How are you? Good to see you. Wow, you’ve really grown up. You know what? Don’t mind me saying so but she is turning into a stone-cold fox. Better keep the frat boys away from her.
Melissa: I'm in 8th grade...
--"The Office" (NBC)


_________________________
Jim: Just have Dwight punch you.
Michael: Well, that would be kinda worthless because I know a ton of 14-year-old girls who can kick his ass.
Jim: You know a ton of 14-year-old girls?
--"The Office" (NBC)


_________________________
Michael: Would I rather be feared or loved? Umm...easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
--"The Office" (NBC)


_________________________
Dwight: I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War Two veteran. Killed twenty men then spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father...battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight....
--"The Office" (NBC)


_______________________
Michael: Phyllis and Bob -- their celebrity couple name would be "Phlob."
--"The Office" (NBC)


______________________
Michael: If you ever lay a finger on Phyllis, I will kill you.
Bob Vance: If you ever lay a finger on Phyllis, I'll kill you.
Michael: Agreed. No fingers will be laid on Phyllis.
--"The Office" (NBC)


________________________
Michael: I need my entourage. Jim, Dwight, Ryan, c'mon - we're going to Asian Hooters.
Ryan: I'm not feeling so well. I've got a ton of work to do here. MSG allergy, peanut allergy, I just ate there last night.
Michael: [feels Ryan's head] Alright, feel better...
Jim: Wow, thanks for taking all the excuses, dude.
Ryan: Doctor appointment, car trouble, plantar warts, granddad fought in World War II...
--"The Office" (NBC)


_________________________
Michael: The most sacred thing I do is care... Today I am in charge of picking a great new healthcare plan. Right? That's what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um, yes. Like a specialist.
--"The Office" (NBC)


__________________________
Andy: I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has: my brain. Which I use to my advantage when advantageous.
--"The Office" (NBC)


____________________
Jim: I ate a tuna sandwich -- on my first day -- so Andy calls me ‘Big Tuna’. I don’t think any of them actually know my name…
--"The Office" (NBC)


____________________
Dwight: Once I'm officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.
--"The Office" (NBC)


____________________
Ryan: Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed's brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I've read some of it. Even for the Internet, it's...pretty shocking.
--"The Office" (NBC)


____________________
Jim: [picking up a ticket on his desk] What's this?
Dwight: That is a demerit.
Jim: "Jim Halpert, tardiness." Oh, I love it already.
Dwight: You've got to learn, Jim, you're second in command, but that does not put you above the law.
Jim: Oh I understand. And I also have lots of questions. Like what does a demerit mean?
Dwight: Let's put it this way. You do not want to receive three of those.
Jim: Lay it on me.
Dwight: Three demerits, and you'll receive a citation.
Jim: Now that sounds serious.
Dwight: Oh it is serious. Five citations, and you're looking at a violation. Four of those, and you'll receive a verbal warning. Keep it up, and you're looking at a written warning. Two of those, that'll land you in a world of hurt in the form of a disciplinary review, written up by me and placed on the desk of my immediate superior.
Jim: Which would be me.
Dwight: That...is correct.
Jim: Okay, I want a copy on my desk by the end of the day or you will receive a full disadulation. Dwight: What's a dis...what's that?
Jim: Oh, you don’t want to know....
--"The Office" (NBC)



________________
Michael: That is offensive. Indians do not eat monkey brains. And if they do, sign me up because I am sure that they are very tasty and nutritional....
--"The Office" (NBC)


________________
Dwight: Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user, virtual environment. It doesn't have points or scores. It doesn't have winners or losers.
Jim: Oh, it has losers....
--"The Office" (NBC)


_________________
Jim: I think it's great that the company's making a commercial. Because not very many people have heard of us. I mean, when I tell people that I work at Dunder Mifflin, they think that we sell mufflers. Or muffins. Or mittens. And frankly, all of those sound better than paper, so I let it slide...
--"The Office" (NBC)



__________________
Michael: Phyllis is like our Mrs. Butterworth. Kind of a less urban Aunt Jemima.
--"The Office" (NBC)


________________
Michael: Look Kevin, we are a family here. And Phyllis is a valued member of that family…like a grandmother.
Phyllis: I’m the same age as you Michael…
Michael: I don’t know about that.
Phyllis: We’re in the same high-school class.
Michael: Well..... I had a late birthday and usually September is the cutoff point…
--"The Office" (NBC)

One Tree Hill


__________________
Nathan: You know it's been said that we just don't recognize the significant moments of our lives while they are happening. We grow complacent with ideas, or things or people and we take them for granted and it's usually not until that thing is about to be taken away from you that you've realized how wrong you've been that you realized how much you need it, how much you love it.
--"One Tree Hill" (CW)



__________________
Nathan: Every once in a while people step up, they rise above themselves. Sometimes they surprise you, and sometimes they fall short. Life is funny sometimes, it can push pretty hard, but if you look close enough you find hope in the words of children, in the bars of a song and in the eyes of someone you love. And if you're lucky, and if you're the luckiest person on this entire planet, the person you love decides to love you back.
--"One Tree Hill" (CW)




__________________
Peyton: At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world. Six billion souls. And sometimes -- all you need is one.
--"One Tree Hill" (CW)



__________________
Karen: Okay, what does this dress say to you?
Lucas: Uh .. beware of crazy ladies who talk to dresses?
--"One Tree Hill" (CW)

Police Squad


__________________________
Frank Drebin: Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to keep on my toes...
--"Police Squad" (ABC)


___________________________
Mimi: That was just her stage name, her real name is Mary Coffee.
Ed: Coffee?
Mimi: No, thank you....
--"Police Squad" (ABC)


___________________________
Jane: Could I interest you in a nightcap?
Frank: No thank you. I don't wear them.
--"Police Squad" (ABC)

Pushing Daisies



__________________
Emerson: That ain't a grain of salt. That's one of those blocks they give cows to lick.
--"Pushing Daisies" (ABC)



__________________
Ned: I asked you not to use the word "zombie." It's disrespectful. Stumbling around squawking for brains? It's not how they do. And "undead"? Nobody wants to be "un"-anything. Why begin a statement with a negative? It's like saying "I don't disagree." Just say you agree.
Emerson: Are you comfortable with "living dead"?
Ned: You're either living or your dead. When you're living, you're alive. When you're dead, that's what you are. But when you're dead and then you're not, you're alive again. Can't we say "alive again"?
--"Pushing Daisies" (ABC)



__________________
Emerson: Sounds like you're a narcoleptic.
Ned: I suffer from uncontrollable types of deep sleep?
Emerson: What's the other one?
Ned: "Acrophiliac".
Emerson: Words that sound alike get mixed up in my head.
Olive: Me, too. I used to think "masturbation" meant chewing your food. (awkward silence) I don't think that anymore...
--"Pushing Daisies" (ABC)

Real Time with Bill Maher

________________
Bill Maher: New Rule - Bluetooth headset users have to do something that lets me know you're just on the phone and not a dangerous schizophrenic. Right? We don't know if you're talking to your secretary or the evil leprechaun who lives in your head. You're not the chief communications officer of the Starship Enterprise. You're a shoe salesman asking your mom if you can bring over your laundry....
--"Real Time with Bill Maher" (HBO)

Roseanne


____________________
Dan: What a beautiful day -- the kind of day that starts with a hearty breakfast and ends with a news anchor saying, "...before turning the gun on himself."
--"Roseanne" (ABC)



____________________
D.J.: Was I an accident?
Roseanne: No, D.J., you were a surprise.
D.J.: Oh. What's the difference?
Roseanne: Well, an accident is something that you wouldn't do over again if you had the chance. A surprise is something you didn't even know you wanted until you got it.
D.J.: Oh. Was Darlene an accident?
Dan: No, Darlene was a disaster.
--"Roseanne" (ABC)

Saturday Night Live


_________________
Tina Fey: A U.S. born panda bear named Hua Mei will soon be returned to her ancestral homeland of China, where she is expected to be…delicious.
--"Saturday Night Live" (NBC)



_________________
Dennis Miller: Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?
--"Saturday Night Live" (NBC)



_________________
Dennis Miller: Three weeks ago, Pepsi-Cola bought 7-Up and, this week, Coca-Cola bought Dr. Pepper. And this morning, in the smartest move of the year, the distant third-ranking soft drink, Royal Crown, bought the entire water supply of North America....
--"Saturday Night Live" (NBC)



_________________
Tina Fey: According to military analysts, an invasion of Iraq by U.S. forces could cost between $20 and $50 billion. The Pentagon announced that it would offset those costs by referring to it as the Verizon Wireless/Pizza Hut War Against Iraq.
--"Saturday Night Live" (NBC)



__________________
Dennis Miller: Michael Moore's going to wake up every day for the rest of his life, and he's going to tell us how he hates everything about this country except his right to hate it. And then we say that we love it and he's going to tell us what naive sheep we are and that he's the true patriot because he hates it and he sees all the problems in it. Yeah, right, Mike. You know something, if my yawn got any bigger they'd have to assign it a hurricane name...
--"Saturday Night Live" (NBC)



_________________
Tina Fey: In order to feel safer on his private jet, actor John Travolta has purchased a bomb-sniffing dog. Unfortunately for the actor, the dog came six movies too late.
--"Saturday Night Live" (NBC)



_________________
Tina Fey: It was announced this week that Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown will perform a show together at the Aladdin casino in Las Vegas. Tickets are $150. $200 if Whitney and Bobby actually show up. The concert will be sponsored by Snapple and cocaine.
--"Saturday Night Live" (NBC)




_________________
Tina Fey: The long-closed 70th floor of our very own Rockefeller Center is being re-opened as an observation deck. I guess Tom Brokaw and I will have to find a new place to secretly make love.
--"Saturday Night Live" (NBC)


_______________
Harry Caray: It's a simple question Doctor... would you eat the moon if it were made of ribs? I know I would. Heck! I'd have seconds and then polish it off with a tall cool Budweiser.... Hey! What about this: if you had to choose between being the top scientist in your field or getting mad cow disease, what would it be?
--"Saturday Night Live" (NBC)



___________________
Tina Fey: Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris has been all over the news this week. First she set a deadline for the recount, then she was overruled, now she's been stripped of her ability to certify the Florida votes. Katherine Harris hasn't gotten this much attention since spring break '77. Look at her, she looks divorced. She looks like the woman being cheated on in a Mexican soap opera. Katherine, honey, there's another setting on your make-up mirror. It's called "daytime." Check it out...
--"Saturday Night Live" (NBC)



________________
Kevin Nealon: In health news, scientists have announced the invention of a women's condom. The condom works by fitting snugly over a woman's wine glass..
--"Saturday Night Live" (NBC)



_____________________
Norm MacDonald: Many people are skeptical about marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Pressley. They say, Lisa Marie is more of a sit at home type, while Michael Jackson is more of a homosexual pedophile...
--"Saturday Night Live" (NBC)


___________________
Tina Fey: In Chicago, a man who was having a heart attack's life was saved when his dog brought him a phone so he could call for help. We should point out however, that for every one of these heart warming animal stories, 100,000 people die while their dogs sit and look at them like morons...
--"Saturday Night Live" (NBC)

Scrubs


__________________
Elliott: Well, isn't that just the pickle on the top of the giant crap sandwich that is my day...
--"Scrubs" (NBC)


__________________________
(playing video games)
Janitor: What's my motivation?
Turk: To kill space goblins.
Janitor: Yes, but am I killing them because I hate them, or because I disagree with their space-goblin values?

(later, holding a vigil for the space goblin he just killed)
Janitor: Forgive me, space goblin. If it were not for the novice setting and the 10 cups of coffee I had earlier today you might have bested me in the marsh of Kathrik. We're not too different, you and I, despite your arm mounted cannon and your insatiable taste for human flesh.
--"Scrubs" (NBC)



_____________________
Dr. Kelso: Well, sweetheart, you're here early.
Elliot: Yeah, well, you know I didn't have any plans last night, so I went to bed at 8 and then I woke up at 4. And then I realized that the sunrise just looks beautiful through the trees, and that my neighbor gets his paper in the nude...and that he needs to lose like 900 pounds.
Dr. Kelso: In the future, the appropriate response is, "Yes, I am here early". It's called 'small talk', not 'my depressing life in thirty seconds'.
--"Scrubs" (NBC)

Seinfeld


___________________
Jerry: So, Puddy, this is a pretty good career move for you, huh? No more "grease monkey".
Puddy: I don't much care for that term.
Jerry: Oh. Sorry, I didn't know...
Puddy: No, I don't know too many monkeys who could take apart a fuel injector.
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)


________________
George: I am not giving you my code.
Kramer: I'll bet I can guess it.
George: Yeah. Right.
Kramer: Oh, alright. Yeah. Uh, let's see. Um, well, we can throw out birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for you, you're a word man. Alright, let's go deeper. Uh, what kind of man are you? Well, you're weak, spineless, a man of temptations, but what tempts you?
George: Huh?
Kramer: You're a portly fellow, a bit long in the waistband. So what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No no no no no, yours is a sweet tooth. Oh you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master, the cocoa bean...
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)


________________
Jerry (offers a hot dog to Miss Rhode Island) : Hot Dog?
Miss Rhode Island: No, thanks... I'm watching my weight..
Jerry: Ah... I'm watching my height.. my doctor doesn't want me to get any taller...
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)


___________________
Kramer: Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint, it's delicious...
Jerry: That's true...
Kramer: It's very refreshing.
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)


___________________
George: I was free and clear. I was living the dream. I was stripped to the waist eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery.
Jerry: Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise.
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)


____________________________
Dean Jones: I've been reviewing Darren's internship journal. Doing laundry, mending chicken wire, high tea with a Mr. Newman?
Kramer: Well, it all sounds pretty glamorous, but it's business as usual at Kramerica Industries.
Dean Jones: Far as I can tell, your entire enterprise is little more than a solitary man with a messy apartment which may or may not contain a chicken.
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)


____________________________
George: Where did you get those socks?
Jerry: I dunno...
George: I think those are my socks!
Jerry: How are these your socks?
George: I dunno, but those are my socks! I had a pair just like that with the blue stripe and now I don't have them anymore!
Jerry: Oh yeah, that's right, you fell asleep one day on the sofa and I took them off your stinkin' feet, they looked so good to me, I just had to have 'em....
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)


____________________________
George: Don't we have a deal with the pigeons?
Jerry: Of course we have a deal. They get out of the way of our cars, we look the other way on the statue defecation....
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)



____________________________
Kramer: What did you want to see me about, Mr. Leland?
Mr. Leland: Kramer, I've been reviewing your work. Quite frankly, it stinks.
Kramer: Well,I've been having trouble at home and, uh, I'll work harder. Nights, weekends, whatever it takes.
Mr. Leland: No, no, I don't think that's going to do it. These reports you handed in, it's almost as if you have no business training at all. I don't know what this is supposed to be.
Kramer: Well, I'm just trying to get ahead.
Mr. Leland: I'm sorry, there's just no way that we can keep you on.
Kramer: But I don't even really work here.
Mr. Leland: That's what makes this so difficult....
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)


________________
Jerry: Socks are the most amazing article of clothing. They hate their lives. They're in the shoes with stinky feet, the boring drawers. The dryer is their only chance to escape and they all know it.
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)


________________
Jerry: I'm lactose intolerant. I have no patience for lactose and I won't stand for it....
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)


________________
Elaine: So what your saying is that 95% of our population is undatable?
Jerry: Undatable!
Elaine: Then how are all of these people getting together?
Jerry: Alcohol...
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)


________________
George: Let's face it, I was always handicapped. I'm just now getting credit for it...
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)


_______________
Newman: I'm a little... insulted...
Jerry: You're not a little anything, Newman.
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)


________________
George: A beautiful, successful, intelligent woman is in love with me and I throw it all away. Now I will spend the rest of my life living alone. I'll sit in my disgusting little apartment, watching basketball games, eating Chinese takeout, walking around with no underwear because I'm too lazy to do the laundry...
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)


________________
George: Elaine! Do women know about shrinkage?
Elaine: You mean like laundry?
Jerry: Like when a man goes swimming... afterwards...
Elaine: It shrinks?!
Jerry: Like a frightened turtle.
Elaine: Why does it shrink?
George: It just does.
Elaine: I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)


_____________________________
Jerry: When you're moving your whole world becomes boxes. That's all you think about is boxes. Boxes, where are those boxes? You just wander down the street going in and out of stores.... are there boxes here? Have you seen any boxes? You can't even talk to people because you can't concentrate... shut up, I'm looking for boxes! Just after a while you become really into it... you can smell them. You walk into a store... there's boxes here. Don't tell me you don't have boxes, I can SMELL them....
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)



_____________________________
George: What kind of a person are you?
Jerry: I think I'm pretty much like you, only successful...
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)


_____________________________
Kramer: Simple. You let out one emotion, all the rest will come with it. It's like Endora's box.
Jerry: That was the mother on Bewitched. You mean Pandora...
Kramer: Yeah, well, she... had one, too.
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)


_____________________________
Newman: [about Keith Hernandez] And then something happened that changed us in a very deep and profound way from that day forward.
Elaine: What? What happened?
Kramer: He spit on us..
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)



_______________________
George: Seven.
Jerry: Seven Costanza... You're serious?
George: Yeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy or a girl. Especially a girl... Or a boy.
Jerry: I don't think so.
George: What, you don't like the name?
Jerry: It's not a name. It's a number.
George: I know. It's Mickey Mantle's number. So not only is it an all-around beautiful name, it is also a living tribute....
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)



_________________
George: I'm 33 years old; I haven't outgrown the problems of puberty, I'm already facing the problems of old age. I completely skipped healthy adulthood. I went from having orgasms immediately, to taking forever. You could do your taxes in the time it takes me to have an orgasm...
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)

The Shield

_____________________
Shane: The truth is like grits, you can't serve it up plain, you got to put a little salt on it...
--"The Shield" (F/X)


_____________________
Vic Mackey: Partner up with a criminal? I can name one flaw in that plan.
Shane Vendrell: Only one?
--"The Shield" (F/X)

Six Million Dollar Man

_______________
Oscar Goldman: Steve Austin, astronaut. A man barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world's first bionic man. Steve Austin will be that man. Better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster....
--"The Six Million Dollar Man" (ABC)



_______________
Jim Castillian: So, you're the six-million dollar man.
Steve Austin: Probably thirty-four by now....
--“The Six Million Dollar Man” (ABC)

Smallville


__________________
Lana: Nietzsche? I didn't know you have a dark side, Clark.
Clark: Doesn't everyone?
Lana: So what are you: Man or Superman?
Clark: I haven't figured it out yet.
--"Smallville" (WB)


______________________
Lois: Call me crazy, but I've always been a firm believer that beauty... It's on the inside.
Dr. Fine: The people that say that are the ones who already have it on the outside.
--"Smallville" (WB)


______________________
Clark: Well, normally, I'd just rip open the door, super speed past the cameras, and somehow open the vault with my heat vision.
Chole: So what you're saying is: now that you've lost your powers, you have no useful skills.
Clark: Not so much.
--"Smallville" (WB)


____________
Lois: I took this career test in some magazine - it said that my perfect job would be disc jockey.
Clark: That would make sense - you certainly talk enough. There won't be any dead air...
--"Smallville" (WB)


___________________
Clark: Chloe, you can't just go snooping around someone's house..
Chloe: It's a mansion. It's designed for snooping....
--"Smallville" (WB)


___________________
Clark: Look for anything my dad might be warning me about.
Chloe: I can’t exactly search for a file named “My Evil Scheme.”
--"Smallville" (WB)


___________________
Martha: Every world needs its heroes, Clark. They inspire us to be better than we are. And they protect us from the darkness that's just around the corner...
--"Smallville" (WB)


___________________
Lee: I guess all that talk about you is true, kid – you really are out of this world.
Clark: You have no idea...
--"Smallville" (WB)


________________
Lex Luthor: Trust me, eccentric bald kids sit pretty low on the prep school totem pole...
--"Smallville" (WB)

The Sopranos

________________
Tony Soprano: I'm like King Midas in reverse. Everything I touch turns to shit.
--"The Sopranos" (HBO)


________________
Tony Soprano: A wrong decision is better than indecision...
--"The Sopranos" (HBO)

South Park


_____________________
Cartman: And so you see, Simon & Simon were not brothers in real life, only on television.
Mr. Garrison: Thank you for that presentation Eric, but the assignment was on Asian cultures. You get a D minus.
--"South Park" (Comedy Central)


_____________________
Stan: That's impossible, Cartman doesn't know a rain forest from a pop tart.
Cartman: Yeah I do, pop tarts are frosted.
--"South Park" (Comedy Central)


_____________________
Cartman: I'm not fat, I'm festively plump.....
--"South Park" (Comedy Central)



_____________________
Kyle: Ow! What the hell are you doing, Cartman?
Cartman: I'm killing you. Unfortunately I could only afford a wiffle bat so this may take a while.
--"South Park" (Comedy Central)

Sports Night


___________________
Dan: We'll bring you the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat, and because we've got soccer highlights, the sheer pointlessness of a zero-zero tie.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



___________________
Dan: Where I come from, we don't say things about people.
Natalie: You come from Connecticut.
Dan: That's right.
Natalie: You don't say things about people in Connecticut?
Dan: We do not.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



_________________
Dana: People in Graphics are my friends.
Natalie: That's not quite right.
Dana: I am so nice to them!
Natalie: That's one way of looking at it.
Dana: What's another way?
Natalie: That often times you express your displeasure with their work in ways that make them want to take their own lives.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



___________
Natalie: Good news.
Dana: What?
Natalie: Pluto's still a planet.
Sally: It was touch and go there for a while?
Natalie: Don't underestimate Pluto. Pluto doesn't know the word quit.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



___________________
Dana: Wow!
Casey: Wow what?
Dana: These cars are going fast.
Casey: Yeah they're going as fast as they can 'cause the first one across the finish line gets a trophy and a check.
Dana: Like a race?
Casey: Right....
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



___________________
Casey: Dogs?
Dana: Dogs. Yes. Specially trained dogs.
Dan: We want to meet them.
Dana: Guys...
Dan: We want to meet the dogs right now.
Dana: Okay. And what will you say to the dogs when you meet them?
Dan: (pause) She's got a decent point.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



___________________
Dan: Do you know how many times you'd have to kill me before I'd name a soccer player Athlete of the Century?
Natalie: Let's find out.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



___________________
Dana: When was the last good idea you had?
Natalie: When I got up this morning, I decided not to stick my hand in the blender.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



___________________
Dan: Commenting on his sub par performance after the game, Reed said "My head just wasn't in the game." Anyone knowing the location of Reed's head should contact the proper authorities.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



___________________
Casey: I find that when I need a stamp there's never one around. This is back when I used to write letters. When I used to write letters, I could never find a stamp.
Dana: Hey, can you guess what I'm thinking now?
Casey: That no one gives a damn about me and my history with stamps?
Dana: Bullseye!
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



___________________
Dana: By the way, in the memos that are circulating we're spelling Chattanooga about fourteen different ways. Now, what do we know?
Jeremy: Two O's, three A's.
Dana: That's it?
Jeremy: No, there are other letters too. But surely that's not what you meant.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



_________________
Sam: I just needed for you to get your butt in here.
Dana: I'm looking forward to killing you, you know?
Sam: I have been through alcohol, marriage, and network television. If you want to kill me, you're going to need some kryptonite.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



___________________
Jeremy: Dana, do you have the first idea of how to operate any of this equipment?
Dana: This is called an owner's manual, my friend, and I have read it cover to cover.
Jeremy: I've read Doctor Zhivago cover to cover. Doesn't make me the tsar.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



___________________
Natalie: Jeremy, can you get Dan something interesting about Milwaukee?
Jeremy: I can tell you that it's not the capital of Wisconsin.
Dana: And while that may be true, I need it to be about the team, and, oh yeah, I need it to be interesting.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



___________________
Natalie: What's that?
Dan: It's an abacus.
Natalie: Excellent.
Dan: An antique abacus.
Jeremy: Probably the only kind there are.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



___________________
Casey: While we're gone, if any talking animals tell you to buy any tacos or beer, for God's sake do what they say.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



___________________
Natalie: You know what you want yet?
Casey: Yeah, I've been vacillating between...
Natalie: Name it by sundown or you're getting socks.
Casey: OK. She's my secret Santa.
Dan: Yeah?
Casey: Like something out of a fairy tale dream.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



___________________
Dan: You went to a woman's apartment and there you had wine and there you had sex.
Casey: You are way off base, that is not what happened, except... yes, that's what happened.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



___________________
Dan: A lot has changed since the last time you were out there.
Casey: Out where?
Dan: There. Out there. Where women are.
Casey: Everybody still wears shoes, right?
Dan: Do they ever...
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



_____________________
Casey: Usually we get thirty to forty seconds for each game. A little more if it's chock-full of spectacular plays and/or playoff consequences, a little less if it goes the other way, but thirty to forty seconds is usually the rule of thumb.
Jeremy: I see, And how long did mine run?
Casey: Eight and a half minutes.
Jeremy: Ah.
Casey: Yeah.
Jeremy: That's long.
Casey: Yeah, it ran a little over, yeah.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



__________________
Dana: You got a whisk?
Casey: A whisk?
Dana: Yes.
Casey: That's the thing you, uh . . .
Dana: For scrambled eggs. You stir it really fast in a bowl.
Casey: I can't just use the fork?
Dana: Truthfully, yes.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



_________________
Casey: "The sophomore sensation credits her agility and quick first step to her father, who used to take her to a neghborhood park all covered with cheese". (laughs) Dana, we got all kinds of sentence construction here. I think he's gonna have to explain that it's the park that's covered with cheese and not the father.
Dan: This is an unforgiving room.
Natalie: Plus it's a little hard to figure how running through cheese helped the kid with her agility and quick first step.
Dan: Thank you everyone.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



__________________
Dana: My brother can beat up your brother.
Natalie: My brother is a grad student in comparative literature. My mother can beat up my brother.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



___________________
Natalie: I picked your name. I'm your Secret Santa.
Casey: It's not much of a secret now, is it?
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



___________________
Jeremy: A forty-ninth anniversary tribute?
Dan: There's a law it's gotta come on fives and tens?
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



___________________
Dan: I read "Beowulf" in three hours.
Casey: How could you read "Beowulf" in three hours?
Dan: I didn't read it, really, but I saw the movie.
Casey: Uh, but there's no movie of "Beowulf".
Dan: What the hell movie did I see?
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



______________
Jeremy: Crossing that sacred territory into family members.
Natalie: I cross it with gusto.
Jeremy: Cross away, for I have no problem with this, as you are my girlfriend and she is my sister.
Natalie: Then why are you talking like Theodoric of York?
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



_________________
Dan: Maybe he's just busy.
Natalie: Yeah.
Casey: Maybe he met another woman and he forgot all about you.
Natalie: Maybe I'll jam a number two pencil up your nose.
Casey: Maybe he's just busy.
Natalie: Maybe that's right.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



__________________
Casey: There is a perception in the press, never more clear than in this article, that I'm not cool. Now where do you suppose that perception comes from?
Dana: I think it comes from reality.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



__________________
Dana: You have good ideas a lot. I find myself saying, "Natalie's got a good idea."
Natalie: But you also find yourself saying, "Natalie, if you screw that up again I'll set you on fire."
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



__________________
Dan: Elliot wants to know why there's a twenty-pound frozen turkey in the light grid.
Dana: It's twenty-four pounds.
Dan: I'll them him that, but then he'll probably wanna know why there's a twenty-four-pound frozen turkey in the light grid.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



___________________
Dan: What do you do with your money?
Natalie: What do I do with my money? Well, my portfolio is pretty much tied up in food and shelter, Dan.
Dan: I meant, your disposable income. I've got some extra money and I don't know what to do with it.
Natalie: Wow. That must really suck.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



__________________
Casey: We're having some very bizarre computer problems, have you noticed that? The AP wire's getting numbers wrong.
Natalie: What do you need?
Casey: Messersmith won the Gold Medal in the pole vault with a leap of 238 feet, six inches?
Natalie: That doesn't sound right.
Casey: It lacks a ring of truth, yes.
Natalie: 238 feet, six inches in the pole vault. That'd be a record, wouldn't it?
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



__________________
Isaac: Someone holds the copyright to 'Happy Birthday?'
Dan: The representatives of Patty and Mildred Hill.
Isaac: It took two people to write that song?
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



__________________
Dan: You know what pumps me up?
Casey: I know you like grape jelly.....
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



___________________
Casey: That just about does it for tonight's show. It's a holiday weekend so if you're driving out to the stadium tomorrow, please please remember to take your car.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



___________________
Dana: Name three things the Knicks need to do this season, to make it to the finals.
Jeremy: I couldn't get another question?
Dana: You will. But not till I get an answer to the first one.
Jeremy: What do the Knicks...
Dana: Three things the Knicks need to do to contend.
Jeremy: Ms. Whitaker, I'd be great at this job. You gotta believe me when I tell you I've been training my whole life for it. I've crunched stats, I've broken down film, and there wasn't a team at my high school that didn't have me for an equipment manager. I have read every box score in every paper that's written in English and has a sports section and I have seen Sports Night every night since your first broadcast, two years, two months, and a week ago today. Now yes, sure, indeed, I can tell you what Ewing and Oakley are shooting from the field, and I can tell you that you're not gonna stop John Starks if he squares up to the basket, and put any defensive pressure on Charlie Ward he's gonna fold like a cheap card table. But if you're asking me for genuinely sophisticated analysis, AND I SENSE THAT YOU ARE, you gotta give me some time. At least 20 minutes. Did that make any sense?
Dana: I wasn't really listening...
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



___________________
Natalie: [yelling into the microphone] CASEY! DID YOU GET THE CHANGE ON ARROWHEAD AND DENVER?
Casey: Natalie, if you shout into a microphone when I'm wearing an earpiece it poses the question, is there a decibel level at which the human head will just, y'know, explode?
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



___________________
J.J.: I’m concerned with Casey’s performance on the air lately.
Dan: What’s your point?
J.J.: My point is, at the moment, Casey has less on-air charm and charisma than my high school driving instructor, and you know it, Dan. Now I think the time has come for you to think about the possibility of another partner.
Dan: I’m not going to do the show with your high school driving instructor...
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



___________________
Dana: I need to talk to you.
Casey: There is a perception in the press, never clearer than in this article, that I'm not cool. Now, where do you think this perception comes from?
Dana: I think it comes from reality....
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



___________________
Casey: Hey, Isaac?
Isaac: Yeah?
Casey: You think I'm cool, right?
Isaac: Do I look like I'm in the mood to do this now?
Casey: Not really.
Isaac: Then let's assume I'm not.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



______________________
Casey: You're dating a porn star?
Jeremy: I have met and spent social time with an actress who appears in adult films, yes.
Casey: How you manage to make dating a porn star sound like a day at the public library is beyond me.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



_______________________
Dan: You know I came this close to being drafted as a wide receiver?
Casey: Really? What happened?
Dan: Well, I never actually played organized ball.
Casey: Ah.
Dan: And even if I had I wasn't fast enough to be a wide receiver.
Casey: But, other than that...?
Dan: This close, my friend.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



___________________
Sally: I've been executive producer of West Coast Update for 16 months. Our show has never failed to win its time slot.
Isaac: You're on at two a.m. Sally, your competition is a Bonanza re-run and four guys making cheese.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



___________________
Rebecca: Everytime I tried to find you, someone would say that you had just left the place that someone else had just said you had been right before.
Dan: That was a truly spectacular sentence...
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



___________________
Dan: Eleven years ago, he pitched a perfect game.
Rebecca: A perfect game...
Dan: Yes ma'am.
Rebecca: And a perfect game is good?
Dan: Listen, I know there's a lot of jargon, but some of these are pretty self-explanatory.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)

Star Trek


_____________________
Spock: You may find that having, is not after all, so pleasant a thing as wanting...
--"Star Trek" (NBC)


_____________________
B'Elanna: The Borg wouldn't know fun if they assimilated an amusement park...
--"Star Trek: Voyager" (UPN)


__________________
Spock: Captain, I'm beginning to understand why you Earthmen enjoy gambling. No matter how carefully one computes the odds of success, there is still a certain ...exhilaration in the risk.
Kirk: Very good, Spock. We may make a human of you yet.
Spock: I hope not.
--"Star Trek" (NBC)

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip


_________________________
Matt: (to the writers) What are you all wearing? I'm not Blackwell or anything, but holy cow, what the hell are you guys wearing? One of the things this show does is decide what's cool and I've just decided it's no longer cool for grown men to dress as if they're in junior high school.
Ron: It's comedy, Matt.
Matt: Not yet it's not, and until it is, we're all gonna act professionally. You understand? We're gonna act, dress, talk, write, and behave professionally.
Harriet: (bursting in) You are an adolescent, oversexed whoremonger with the sensitivity of a head of cabbage!
Matt: ...and all that will begin in just a few minutes.
--"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" (NBC)



_________________________
Matt: No, I like Felicity fine, just the woman I broke up with is a cast member. And it would be awkward if I went to the party and... killed her in front of all those people.
--"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" (NBC)



________________
Danny: I have no reason to trust you and every reason not to.
Jordan: Why?
Danny: You work in television...
--"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" (NBC)

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles

___________________
Sarah: How was school?
John: We went.. We learned. I didn't get killed and she didn't kill anybody. It's a pretty good first day I think...
--"Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles" (FOX)



____________________
Sarah: No one is ever safe! Half an hour, plus the guns... I'll make pancakes.
--"Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles" (FOX)

3rd Rock from the Sun


_____________________
Mary: I think you look distinguished with gray hair.
Dick: Thank you. I think you would look distinguished with gray hair, too.
Mary: No, when men get gray hair, they look distinguished. When women get gray hair, they look old.
Dick: When women get breasts, they look sexy. When men get breasts, they look old.
Mary: Good point!
--"3rd Rock from the Sun" (NBC)



_______________________
Mary: From suffering comes creativity. You can't spell "painting" without "pain".
Harry: Or "ting".
--"3rd Rock from the Sun" (NBC)

30 Rock


_________________
Jack: Look, Tracy - I can’t just give you money. But what I can do is show you how you can earn all the money you need. You must know Arsenio …
Tracy Jordan: Hall or Billingham?
Jack: You know someone named Arsenio Billingham?
Tracy Jordan: No.
--"30 Rock" (NBC)



__________________
Jack: Conan, Tracy’s really excited to be back on your show.
Conan O’Brien: I don’t know. He’s kind of a loose cannon, and I like to surround myself with people who don’t try to stab me.
Jack: Well, Tracy’s feeling a lot better now. He’s under a doctor’s care.
Conan: That’s what they said about Hasselhoff, then he tried to make out with me during a commercial break.
--"30 Rock" (NBC)



_________________
Jack: Lemon, I want to thank you. For showing me that I could have a pleasant evening with a woman my age.
Liz: I’m twelve years younger than you.
Jack: A woman your age then...
--"30 Rock" (NBC)



______________________
Jack: Are you familiar with the GE tri-vection oven?
Liz: I don't cook very much.
Jack: Sure...I gotcha. New York, third-wave feminist, college-educated, single and pretending to be happy about it, over-scheduled, undersexed, you buy any magazine that says 'healthy body image' on the cover, and every two years you take up knitting for [pause] a week.
Pete: That is dead on!
Liz: What, are you going to guess my weight now?
Jack: You don't want me to do that.
--"30 Rock" (NBC)



_______________________
Liz: I thought Tracy was getting here at noon.
Jack: Movie stars move at their own pace, Liz. We have to accommodate him.
Liz: Yeah, well, a lot of people are still upset about Tracy joining the show.
Jack: Well, that's not my problem. I have other things on my plate. You hear about that chemical factory explosion outside of Colorado Springs?
Liz: No.
Jack: Good.
--"30 Rock" (NBC)



________________
Liz: Mr. Donaghy, I sincerely apologize; I'm so embarrassed.
Jack: Well, I guess you must be embarrassed if you're hiding in the storage closet.
Liz: This is my office.
--"30 Rock" (NBC)



_________________
Liz: Kenneth, why did you bet that terrible hand?
Kenneth: Why? Because I believe life is for the living. I believe in taking risks and biting off more than you can chew. And also, people were yelling and I got confused about the rules...
--"30 Rock" (NBC)

thirtysomething


_____________________
Gary: My friend Michael is an idiot on a few narrow issues but he would lay down his life for me...Friendship and Loyalty maintained over years and changes in peoples lives...You have to be diligent about friendship, you have to attend to it....and you don't make it on the basis of one issue, and you don't dismiss it on the basis of one mistake...
--"thirtysomething" (ABC)


_____________________
Miles: Chronic pain can be extremely challenging, even educational, not unlike public television..
--"thirtysomething" (ABC)

24


_________________
Jack: You have no idea how far I'm willing to go to acquire your cooperation....
--"24" (FOX)



_________________
Jack: Part of getting a second chance is taking responsibility for the mess you made in the first place.
--"24" (FOX)



_________________
Jack: The only reason that you're conscious right now is because I don't want to carry you.
--"24" (FOX)



________________
Jack: I've killed two people since midnight. I haven't slept in over 24 hours. So maybe you should be a little more afraid of me than you are now...
--"24" (FOX)



_____________________________
Jack: Do you understand the difference between dying for something and dying for nothing? Today, I can die for something....
--"24" (FOX)



_____________________
Chloe: OK, when the alert level goes down, and the terrorists have been caught, we can have some chamomile tea and I'll tell you all my secrets...
--"24" (FOX)

Twin Peaks

_______________
Dale Cooper: Harry, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Every day, once a day, give yourself a present. Don't plan it. Don't wait for it. Just let it happen. It could be a new shirt at the men's store, a catnap in your office chair, or two cups of good, hot black coffee....
--"Twin Peaks" (ABC)


_______________
Dale Cooper: Twenty four hour room service must be one of the premier achievements of modern civilization...
--"Twin Peaks" (ABC)

Ugly Betty


__________________
Betty: It's supposed to be mystical. The old man who sold it to me said it would help you on your journey to enlightenment. Or with cramps. My Spanish really sucks...
--"Ugly Betty" (ABC)



__________________
Betty: Besides, we get to meet all of our family members and practice our spanish. "Hola comi a tu sobrina."
Ignacio: You just said "I ate your niece."
--"Ugly Betty" (ABC)



__________________
Alexis: If anything should ever happen to Nick, you're next in line.
Amanda: You mean like if he falls down the stairs?
Alexis: Actually I was thinking more like if he got married and moved away. But I like your ambition...
--"Ugly Betty" (ABC)



__________________
Betty: You broke up with me.
Walter: For, like, two days. It takes longer than that to digest corn...
--"Ugly Betty" (ABC)

Veronica Mars


__________________
Meg: You believe me, right?
Veronica: You are the last good person here at Neptune High. I believe cartoon birds braided your hair this morning.
--"Veronica Mars" (UPN)



__________________
Keith: This is important, you remember this, I used to be cool.
Veronica: When?
Keith: '77. Trans-Am, Blue Oyster Cult in the 8-track, foxy, stacked blond riding shotgun, racing for pink slips. Wait a minute, I'm thinking of a Springsteen song. Scratch everything. I was never cool.
Veronica: I don't know which bothers me more, "foxy" or "stacked".
--"Veronica Mars" (UPN)



__________________
Van Clemmons: Mr. Echolls, I was wondering if I could have a word?
Logan: Anthropomorphic. All yours, big guy.
--"Veronica Mars" (UPN)



__________________
Lilly: Don't you watch any horror movies? My soul is doomed to walk the earth until justice has been served...
Veronica: Really?
Lilly: Yeah that, and as kind of a side project, I dispense fashion advice.
--"Veronica Mars" (UPN)



__________________
Veronica: Look at you, all helpful.
Logan: Hey, your peskiness being unleashed on Conner brings me joy. Annoy, tiny blonde one, annoy like the wind!
--"Veronica Mars" (UPN)



____________________________
Dean: The sheriff is an idiot. I've met smarter sandwiches...
--"Veronica Mars" (UPN)

Walker, Texas Ranger


_____________________
C.D. And how are you doing, little partner?
Lucas Simms: Fine, and it's little visitor now.
Walker: [chuckles]
Lucas Simms: "Usdi adadamdvhidohi" is how you say it in Cherokee.
C.D. Parker: Oh, pardon my French, but I'll be damned.
Lucas Simms: Walker told me I have AIDS....
--"Walker, Texas Ranger" (CBS)


_______________________
Alex: How about a cruise for our honeymoon?
Walker: We've already done that.
Alex: That was a river raft!
Cordell: Close enough....
--"Walker, Texas Ranger" (CBS)

The West Wing


_______________________
Bartlett: Twenty-seven lawyers in the room, anybody know "post hoc, ergo propter hoc"? Josh?
Josh: Ah, post, after hoc, ergo, therefore... After hoc, therefore... something else hoc.
Bartlett: Thank you. Next. Leo.?
Leo: After it, therefore because of it.
Bartlett: After it, therefore because of it. It means one thing follows the other, therefore it was caused by the other. But it's not always true. In fact it's hardly ever true. We did not lose Texas because of the hat joke. Do you know when we lost Texas?
C.J.: When you learned to speak Latin?
Bartlett: Go figure...
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_____________________
CJ: What are you, 4'10"?
Annabeth: 4'11".
CJ: I can't believe we're the same species....
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


____________
President Bartlet: Are we out of pens? That's a good pen, I need an everyday pen.
Charlie: I've got pens....
Bartlet: You've got crappy pens with plastic tops. I need a solid pen that feels good in my hand but it's not so formal I feel like a dandy.
Charlie: I'm making some trips to pen stores, aren't I, Mr. President?
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
President Josiah Bartlet: "We hold these truths to be self-evident," they said, "that all men are created equal." Strange as it may seem, that was the first time in history that anyone had ever bothered to write that down.... Decisions are made by those who show up.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Donna: A thing the size of a garbage truck is gonna be in a two-thousand-mile-an-hour free fall and no one knows where it's gonna hit!
Charlie: I'm rooting for Zurich..... I've had it up to here with the Swiss....
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Josh: You're... quite a nerd, Mr. President.
Bartlet:: Really?
Josh: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: I assume that was said with all due respect.
Josh: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: Is it nerd-like to know that Everglades National Park is the largest remaining subtropical wilderness in the continental United States, AND has extensive mangrove forests?
Josh: Just a little bit. Yes, sir.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Sam: I'm going to register with the Republican party. And I'll tell you why, if you're curious. It's because they're a freedom-loving people.
Ainsley: We also like beef.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
President Barlet: You think I could take George Washington?
Charlie: Take him at what, sir?
Bartlet: I don't know...a war?
Charlie: Well, you'd have the Air Force and he'd have the minutemen, right?
Bartlet: The minutemen were good...
Charlie: Still, I think you'd probably take him..
Barlet: Yeah..
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Toby: A hooker?
Sam: Call girl...
Toby: Oh, well that's a distinction that's going to be very important to the grand jury.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Josh: I drink from the keg of glory, Donna. Bring me the finest bagels and muffins in all the land...
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Toby: You think the United States is under attack from 12,000 Cubans in rowboats.
Sam: I'm not saying I don't like our chances.
Toby: Mindboggling to me that we ever won an election.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Bartlet: There was a while there I wanted to be a chemistry professor.
Leo: What happened?
Bartlet: I never actually studied chemistry.
Leo: Well, these college chemistry departments are really demanding that way.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


____________________
President Bartlet: We should organize a staff field trip to Shenandoah! I could even act as a guide! What do you think?
Josh: Good a place as any to dump your body.
Bartlet: What was that?
Josh: Did I say that out loud?
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Bartlet: Two-thousand environmentalists are going to try to kill me tomorrow night.
Charlie: We should go, sir.
Bartlet: They're going to come at me with vegan food and pitchforks.
Charlie: That doesn't really sound like something people do.
Bartlet: Still, I'd like you to get between me and any boiled seaweed you see coming my way.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Bartlet: You know what we're eating tonight?
Josh: No, sir.
Bartlet: Hot pumpkin soup with cheese gnocchi and a chévre brioche.
Josh: Was anything you just said food?
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Operator: Thank you for calling the Butterball Hotline...
President Josiah Bartlet: If I cook the stuffing inside my turkey, can I kill my guests? I'm not saying that would be a deal breaker.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
President Bartlet: (to Leo) When I think of all the work you put in to get me to run, when I think of all the work you did to get me elected...I could pummel your ass with a baseball bat.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Sam: The U.S. is one of five countries on earth that puts to death people who're under the age of 18 when they committed a crime.
Charlie: Nigeria.
Sam: Pakistan.
Charlie: Saudi Arabia and Iran?
Sam: Yeah. So, that's a list we definitely want to be on.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


______________________
CJ: The more photo-friendly of the two turkeys gets a Presidential pardon and a full life at a children's petting zoo; the other one gets eaten.
President Barlet: If the Oscars were like that, I'd watch.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Mandy: Who was the last president to commute a sentence?
Josh: Lincoln.
Mandy: Abraham?
Josh: No, Bert Lincoln.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Toby: He calls you and me the Batman and Robin of speech-writing.
Sam: Well, I don't think he does...
Toby: He doesn't, but he should, 'cause that's what we are.
Sam: Okay. Toby: We're Batman and Robin! Sam: Which one's which?
Toby: Look at me, Sam. Am I Robin?
Sam: I'm not Robin.
Toby: Yes, you are. Sam: Okay, well, let's move off this.
Toby: You bet, little friend.
Sam: Listen, we're really not Batman and Robin.
Toby: No, we'll keep those identities secret. I'm Bruce Wayne and you're my ward.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Josh: An hour with you in a rare bookstore...Couldn't you just drop me off the top of the Washington monument instead?
President Bartlet : It's Christmas Josh, no reason we cant do both.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Leo: There are two things in the world you never want people to see how you make them... laws and sausages.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Toby: Oh, my God. Have you been on the plane the whole time?
Andy: No, I hopped on board when you guys were over the Great Lakes.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Josh: I want to be a comfort to my friends in tragedy, and I want to be able to celebrate with them in triumph. And for all the times in between I just want to be able to look them in the eye...
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Donna: About 50,000 proposals a year are submitted to the Citizens' Stamp Advisory Committee, the acronym for which is...
Josh: Dork squad?
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Toby: You know what state has a large population of Hispanics?
Josh: I want to say Maine, but, ah --
Toby: California.
Josh: California. Damn, and I was only off by a continent.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)



______________
Josh (on how to deal with terrorists): You want to get these people? I mean, you really want to reach in and kill them where they live? Keep accepting more than one idea. It makes them absolutely crazy...
--"The West Wing" (NBC)



______________
Santos: The framers of our Constitution believed that if the people were to be sovereign and belong to different religions at the same time then our official religion would have to be no religion at all. It was a bold experiment then as it is now. It wasn't meant to make us comfortable, it was meant to make us free....
--"The West Wing" (NBC)



____________________
Josh: What's to think about? Really.
Sam: For one thing whether I want to end up looking like you.
Josh: It's the hairline isn't it?
Sam: It's retreated.
Josh: It's routed, like Napoleon out of Moscow....
--"The West Wing" (NBC)



____________________
Bartlet: Josh, perhaps you could shed some light on this State Department cable: 'Turkmenistan to U.S.: We didn't order these pizzas'.
Josh: Bet you're thinking there's a really good explanation for that, sir?
--"The West Wing" (NBC)



_______________
CJ: Overwhelming response to the State of the Union. Thirty-six interruptions for applause.
Bartlet: I don't know what's more embarrassing. That we count them or that I care....
--"The West Wing" (NBC)



_______________
Sam: What can I do for you, Bob?
Bob: In a nutshell?
Sam: So to speak.
Bob: We'd like the White House to pay a little more attention to UFOs.
Sam: Are we paying any attention at all right now?
Bob: No.
Sam: Thank God.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)



_______________________
President Bartlet : Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful and committed citizens can change the world. Do you know why?
Will: It's the only thing that ever has?
--"The West Wing" (NBC)



__________________
Leo: How you doing, Ainsley?
Ainsley: I'm concerned about peeing on your carpet.
Leo: Ok. Well, now I am, too.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)



_______________________
Reporter: I'm curious about the President's farm in Manchester. The property value increased $750,000. What's that due to?
C.J.: Secret Service improvements.
Reporter: Can you go into detail, please?
C.J.: The property now includes a helipad and the ability to run a global war from the sun porch.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)



_______________________
Josh: We're going to do good cop/bad cop.
Toby: No, we're really not.
Josh: Why not?
Toby: Because this isn't an episode of Hawaii Five-O.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


____________________
Ainsley Hayes: Mr. Tribbey? I'd like to do well on this, my first assignment. Any advice you could give me that might point me the way of success would be, by me, appreciated.
Lionel Tribbey: Well, not speaking in iambic pentameter might be a step in the right direction.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)

Will & Grace


___________________
Will: You know, this is just like the first Christmas... except that none of us are virgins and instead of a baby Jesus we have a plate of cheeses.
--“Will & Grace” (NBC)



_________________
Will: That's why I should never meet a legend. It's always disappointing, like the time I met Big Bird at the Ice Capades. Not so big....
--"Will & Grace" (NBC)



_________________
Karen: Rosie, I just met the most incredible man!
Rosario: Are you sure you just didn't lean into the doorknob again?
--"Will & Grace" (NBC)



_________________
Will: That was some kiss, I emptied the dishwasher during it.
Grace: Oh my God! What is wrong with me? Why do I always do that?
Will: What, act like a giant whore?
Grace: We haven't even gone on a date and already I'm kissing him like he just got back from Iraq.
--"Will & Grace" (NBC)

Wiseguy



____________________
Vinnie: How fast can you get me $10,000?
Uncle Mike: It would amaze even you.
--"Wiseguy", CBS.


____________________
Charles Shagrass : You're McPike?
Frank McPike : Most of my life. I was Batman in the third grade, but that seems to be in the past.
--"Wiseguy", CBS.

The X-Files


_____________________
Scully: Oh God, Mulder, it smells like... I think it's bile.
Mulder: How can I get it off my fingers fast without betraying my cool exterior?
--"The X-Files" (FOX)


_____________________
Mulder: I would never lie; I willfully participate in a campaign of misinformation.
--"The X-Files" (FOX)


_____________________
Mr. Nutt: I've taken in your all-American features, your dour demeanor, your unimaginative necktie design, and concluded you work for the government. An FBI Agent. But do you see the tragedy here? I have mistakenly reduced you to a stereotype. A caricature. Instead of regarding you as a specific, unique individual.
Mulder: But I am an FBI agent....
--"The X-Files" (FOX)


_____________________
Mulder: You have to admit, that was exciting. Mission Control and all...
Scully: Yeah, ranks right up there with getting a pony and learning to braid my own hair.
--"The X-Files" (FOX)


_____________________
Mulder: A dream is an answer to a question we haven't yet figured out how to ask...
--"The X-Files" (FOX)






_____________________
Mulder: I think I'm in big trouble.
Scully: Oh, Mulder, how many times have they tried to shut us down?
Mulder: Yeah, but I never actually assaulted an auditor before.
Scully: Did you hurt him?
Mulder: I reduced his vision a little bit.
--"The X-Files" (FOX)



_______________________
Scully: You ever thought seriously about dying?
Mulder: Yeah, once, when I was at the Ice Capades....
--“The X-Files” (FOX)


_______________________
Agent Colton: So Mulder, what do you think? Does this look like the work of little green men?
Mulder: Grey.
Agent Colton: Excuse me?
Mulder: Grey. You said green men. A Reticulan's skin tone is actually grey. They're notorious for their extraction of terrestrial human livers. Due to iron depletion in the Reticulan galaxy.
Agent Colton: You can't be serious.
Mulder: Do you have any idea what liver and onions go for on Reticula?
--“The X-Files” (FOX)



_______________________
Scully: I just think it's a good idea not to antagonise local law enforcement.
Mulder: Who, me? I'm Mr. Congeniality.
Scully: You never know, we might need his help one of these days.
Mulder: I'll send him a bundt cake.
--“The X-Files” (FOX)



_______________________
Mulder: Well, that's one of the luxuries of hunting down aliens and genetic mutants. You rarely get to press charges....
--“The X-Files” (FOX)



_______________________
Young Boy: Don't you want to live forever?
Mulder: Not if drawstring pants come back in style.
--“The X-Files” (FOX)

Motion Pictures

____________
Christine: Oh, no... it's just I thought you had hidden depths.
Will: No, no, you've always had that wrong about me. I really am this shallow.
--“About a Boy” (2002)


_____________________
Lindsay Brigman: We all see what we want to see. Coffey looks and he sees Russians. He sees hate and fear. You have to look with better eyes than that.
--"The Abyss" (1988)



_____________________
President Andrew Shepherd: America isn't easy. America is advanced citizenship. You've got to want it bad, because it's going to put up a fight. The symbol of your country cannot just be a flag. The symbol also has to be one of its citizens exercising his right to burn that flag in protest. Now show me that, defend that, celebrate that in your classrooms. Then you can stand up and sing about the land of the free...
--"The American President" (1995)



_____________________
Lewis: Who are you calling, sir?
Andrew: I'm calling the organization of the United Brotherhood of It's None of Your Damn Business, Lewis. I'll be with you in a minute.
--"The American President" (1995)



_____________________
Reporter Brian Fantana: That was one crazy party. I am hung over.
Sports Anchor Champ Kind: I woke up on the floor of some Japanese family's rec room, and they would NOT stop screaming!
Weatherman Brick Tamland: I ate a big, red candle.
--"Anchorman" (2004)



_____________________
Brick Tamland: I ate fiberglass insulation. It wasn't cotton candy like the guy said......my tummy itches.
--"Anchorman" (2004)



_______________
Ron Burgundy: I'm showing Jeffrey my Emmy tape. We are watching history....
--"Anchorman" (2004)



_____________________
General Kimsey: The fate of the planet is in the hands of a bunch of retards I wouldn't trust with a potato gun.
--"Armageddon" (1998)



_____________________
Dr. Evil: Scott, I want you to meet daddy's nemesis, Austin Powers
Scott Evil: What? Are you feeding him? Why don't you just kill him?
Dr. Evil: I have an even better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death.
--"Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery" (1997)



_____________________
Dr. Evil: You're not quite evil enough. You're semi-evil. You're quasi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil, just one calorie, not evil enough...
--"Austin Powers: The Spy who Shagged Me" (1999)



_____________________
Ivana: Do you know how we keep warm in Russia?
Austin: I can guess, baby.
Ivana: We play chess.
Austin: I guessed wrong.
--"Austin Powers: The Spy who Shagged Me" (1999)



___________________
Marty: Doc are you telling me you built a time machine . . . out of a Delorean?
Dr. Emmett L. Brown: The way I see it, if you're gonna build a time machine into a car, why not do it with some style...
--"Back to the Future" (1985)



_____________________
Alfred: Can I persuade you to take a sandwich with you, sir?
Batman: I'll get drive-thru.
--"Batman Forever" (1995)



_______________________
Abby: It's not brave if you're not scared....
--"Bounce" (2000)



___________________
John: Hey, Cherry. Do you belong to the physics club?
Claire: That's an academic club.
John: So?
Claire: So academic clubs aren't the same as other kinds of clubs.
John: Ah... but to dorks like him, they are. What do you guys do in your club?
Brian: Well, in physics we... we talk about physics, properties of physics...
John Bender: So it's sorta social, demented and sad, but social. Right?
--"The Breakfast Club" (1985)



_______________________
Tom: What do you do when your real life exceeds your dreams?
Aaron: Keep it to yourself...
--"Broadcast News" (1987)



_____________________
Hale: If we ever go to war against Utah, we'll really kick ass.
--"Broken Arrow" (1996)



_____________________
Crash Davis: Man that ball got outta here in a hurry. I mean anything travels that far oughta have a damn stewardess on it, don't you think?
--"Bull Durham" (1988)


___________________
Crash: Well, I believe in the soul, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days....
--"Bull Durham" (1988)



__________________
Store Clerk: Can you give me one good reason to steal a Snickers bar?
Bert: The nougat?
--"Cabin Fever" (2002)



__________________
Chip: Free cable is the ultimate aphrodisiac....
--"The Cable Guy" (1996)



_____________
Spalding Smails: I want a hamburger... no, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake...
Judge Smails: You'll get nothing, and like it....
--"Caddyshack" (1980)



___________________
Hal: If you're looking for Qualen, try about 4,000 feet south of here. He'll be the one wearing the helicopter...
--"Cliffhanger" (1993)



_____________________
Vince: Are you with me or do you need me to draw it in crayon for you, like usual....
--"Con Air" (1997)



_____________________
Palmer: What are you studying up there?
Ellie: Oh, the usual. Nebulae, quasars, pulsars, stuff like that. What are you writing?
Palmer: The usual. Nouns, adverbs, adjective here and there.
--"Contact" (1987)



__________________
Young Ellie: Dad, do you think there's people on other planets?
Ted Arroway: I don't know, Sparks. But I guess I'd say if it is just us... seems like an awful waste of space...
--"Contact" (1987)



____________
Sophie Neveu: It's a cryptex. Da Vinci's design. Sauniere made me one for my birthday once.
Robert Langdon: My grandfather got me a wagon...
--"The Da Vinci Code" (2006)



_____________________
Dr. Susan McAlestar: There he is, Dr. Jim Whitlock. One of the smartest men on the planet.
Russell Franklin: How smart can he be? He's peeing into the wind...
--"Deep Blue Sea" (1999)


________________
Frank Costello: When you decide to be something, you can be it. That's what they don't tell you in the church. When I was your age they would say we can become cops, or criminals. Today, what I'm saying to you is this: when you're facing a loaded gun, what's the difference?
--"The Departed" (2007)


_____________________
Cotton McKnight: In 23 years of broadcasting I thought I'd seen it all, folks. But it looks like Peter La Fleur has actually blindfolded himself.
Pepper Brooks: He will not be able to see very well, Cotton...
--"Dodgeball" (2004)



_____________________
Loki: Are you kidding me? Any moron with a pack of matches can start a fire. Raining down sulfur takes a huge level of endurance. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer.
--"Dogma" (1999)



______________________
Santa: I've been to New York thousands of times.
Buddy: Really?
Santa: Mm-hmm.
Buddy: What's it like?
Santa: Well, there are some things you should know. First off, you see gum on the street, leave it there. It isn't free candy.
Buddy: Oh.
Santa: Second, there are, like, thirty Ray's Pizzas. They all claim to be the original. But the real one's on 11th Street. And if you see a sign that says "Peep Show", that doesn't mean that they're letting you look at the new toys before Christmas....
--"Elf" (2003)



_______________________
John Kinsella: Is this heaven?
Ray Kinsella: It's Iowa....
--"Field of Dreams" (1989)



_____________________
Cameron: The 1961 Ferrari 250GT California. Less than a hundred were made. My father spent three years restoring this car. It is his love, it is his passion....
Ferris: It is his fault he didn't lock the garage.
--"Ferris Bueller's Day Off" (1986)



_____________________
Snooty Maitre D': You're Abe Froman?
Ferris: That's right.
Snooty Maitre D': The sausage king of Chicago?
Ferris: Yep. That's me.
--"Ferris Bueller's Day Off" (1986)



______________________
Ferris: Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it....
--"Ferris Bueller's Day Off" (1986)



_____________________
Sam Weinberg: You heard her. My daughter said a word. She said 'pa'.
Daniel Kaffee: She was pointing to a mailbox, Sam.
Sam Weinberg: That's right. She pointed to the mailbox and said 'pa, look, a mailbox'.
--"A Few Good Men" (1992)



_____________________
Lt. Weinberg: Cmdr. Galloway, Lt. Kaffee is considered to be the best litigator in our office. He successfully plea bargained 44 cases in 9 months.
Kaffee: One more and I get a set of steak knives.
--"A Few Good Men" (1992)



_____________________
Kaffee: I don't like flying because I'm afraid of crashing into a large mountain. I don't think Dramamine is going to help.
Weinberg: Try some oregano. I hear that works pretty good...
--"A Few Good Men" (1992)



_______________
Sarah: Why do you hate us so much?
Liam: I don't hate you Sarah, I just don't care about you...
--"Firewall" (2006)



_____________________
Carson: What are you going to do, blow us both up?
Kyle: No. Just you...
--"Flightplan" (2005)



_____________________
Matthew: You remember his fabulous hospitality and his strange experimental cooking.The recipe for "Duck a la Banana" fortunately goes with him to his grave...
--"Four Weddings and a Funeral" (1994)



_____________________
Tom: The great advantage of having a reputation for being stupid: People are less suspicious of you.
--"Four Weddings and a Funeral" (1994)



_____________________
David: How are you doing?
Charles: You remember the time you started dad's boat and the propeller cut my leg to shreds
David: Yeah?
Charles: This is worse…
--“Four Weddings and a Funeral” (1994)



_____________________
U.S. Marshal Samuel Gerard: Let that be a lesson to you, boys and girls. Don't ever argue with the big dog, because the big dog is always right.
--"The Fugitive" (1993)



_____________________
Mathesar: We have enjoyed preparing many of your esoteric dishes. Your Monte Cristo sandwich is a current favorite among the adventurous.
Quellek: Are you enjoying your Kep-mok blood ticks, Dr. Lazarus?
Sir Alexander Dane: [disgusted] Just like mother used to make....
--"Galaxy Quest (1999)



____________
Chili Palmer: What is that?
Rental Car Attendant: It's an Oldsmobile Silhouette.
Chili Palmer: I ordered a Cadillac.
Rental Car Attendant: Oh, well, you got the Cadillac of minivans.
--"Get Shorty" (1996)



____________
Dr. Egon Spengler: Well, let's say this Twinkie represents the normal amount of psychokinetic energy in the New York area. Based on this morning's reading, it would be a Twinkie thirty-five feet long, weighing approximately six hundred pounds. ..
--"Ghostbusters" (1984)



_________________
Peter Venkman: Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria....
--"Ghostbusters" (1984)



________________
Dr. Raymond Stantz: It can't be!
Dr. Peter Venkman: What is it?
Ray: It can't be?
Peter: What did you do, Ray?
Ray: .....It's..the Stay-Puft Marshmallow man..
--"Ghostbusters" (1984)



_____________________
Ray Stantz: You know, it just occurred to me that we really haven't had a successful test of this equipment.
Egon Spengler: I blame myself.
Peter Venkman: So do I.
Ray Stantz: Well, no sense in worrying about it now.
Peter Venkman: Why worry? Each one of us is carrying an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on his back.
--"Ghostbusters" (1984)


_____________________
Dr. Egon Spengler: There's something very important I forgot to tell you.
Dr. Peter Venkman: What?
Dr. Egon Spengler: Don't cross the streams.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Why?
Dr. Egon Spengler: It would be bad.
Dr. Peter Venkman: I'm fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing. What do you mean "bad"?
Dr. Egon Spengler: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.
Dr. Raymond Stantz: Total protonic reversal.
Dr. Peter Venkman: That's bad. Okay. Alright, important safety tip, thanks Egon...
--"Ghostbusters" (1984)



_____________________
Blake: We're adding a little something to this month's sales contest. As you all know, first prize is a Cadillac Eldorado. Anybody want to see second prize?.... Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're fired.
--"Glengarry Glen Ross" (1992)



_____________________
Will: Do you like apples?
Clark: Yeah.
Will: Well, I got her number. How do you like them apples?
--"Good Will Hunting" (1997)



_____________________
Senator Vernon Trent: You can take that to the bank!
Mason Storm: I'm gonna take you to the bank, Senator Trent. To the blood bank!
--"Hard to Kill" (1990)



___________________
Eady: You travel a lot?
Neil McCauley: Yeah.
Eady: Traveling makes you lonely?
Neil McCauley: I'm alone, I am not lonely....
--"Heat" (1995)


_______________
Capt. Visili Borodin: I will live in Montana. And I will marry a round American woman and raise rabbits, and she will cook them for me. And I will have a pickup truck... maybe even a "recreational vehicle." And drive from state to state. Do they let you do that?
--"The Hunt for Red October" (1990)


_____________________
Captain Steven Hiller: Let's try that again.
David Levinson: Yes. Without the "oops."
--"Independence Day" (1996)



_________________________
George Bailey: What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon, Mary.
Mary: I'll take it. Then what?
George: Well, then you can swallow it, and it'll all dissolve, see... and the moonbeams would shoot out of your fingers and your toes and the ends of your hair... am I talking too much?
--"It's a Wonderful Life" (1946)



_____________________
Brody: Y'know, I used to hate the water...
Hooper: I can't imagine why...
--"Jaws" (1975)


_______________________
Dr. Ian Malcolm: Anybody hear that? It's an... It's an impact tremor, that's what it is... I'm fairly alarmed here... Remind me to thank John for a lovely weekend...
--"Jurassic Park" (1993)


____________________
Bob: I was feeling tight in the shoulders and neck, so I called down and had a Shiatsu massage in my room...
Charlotte: Mmh, that's nice...
Bob: And the tightness has completely disappeared and been replaced by unbelievable pain...
--"Lost in Translation" (2003)



_____________________
Ian Malcolm: Oooh! Ahhh! That's how it always starts. Then later there's running and screaming. Taking dinosaurs off this island is the worst idea in the long, sad history of bad ideas...
--"The Lost World: Jurassic Park" (1997)



_______________________
Daniel: You're the best friend I've ever had.
Miyagi: You pretty okay too.
--“The Karate Kid” (1984)



_________
Nola: Men seem to think I'd be somebody very special...
Christopher: Are you?
Nola: Well, no one's ever asked for their money back...
--"Match Point" (2005)



_____________________
Sir Lancelot: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
Sir Galahad: I don't think I was.
Sir Lancelot: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
Sir Galahad: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
Sir Lancelot: No, it's too perilous.
--"Monty Python and the Holy Grail" (1975)



_____________________
Bedevere: ...and that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana shaped.
Arthur: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
--"Monty Python and the Holy Grail" (1975)



__________________
French Soldier: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries....
--"Monty Python and the Holy Grail" (1975)



_____________________
Miss Piggy: Kermie, whisper sweet nothings into my ear...
Kermit: Uh... motorcycle cop.
Miss Piggy: "Motorcycle cop" is a sweet nothing?
Kermit: A motorcycle cop is chasing us....
--"The Muppet Movie" (1979)



____________________
George: It’s amazing the clarity that comes with psychotic jealousy….
--“My Best Friend’s Wedding” (1997)



______________
Benjy: Catherine, Jews know two things: suffering, and where to find great Chinese food...
--"My Favorite Year" (1982)



_____________________
Sadusky: Door number one, you go to prison for a very long time. Door number two, we are going to get back the Declaration of Independence, you help us find it, and you still go to prison for a very long time, but you feel better inside.
Ben Gates: Is there a door that doesn't lead to prison?
--“National Treasure” (2004)



_____________________
Ben Gates: If there's something wrong, those who have the ability to take action have the responsibility to take action.
--“National Treasure” (2004)



_____________________
Shaw: Look... this is a waste of time. How could a ship wind up way out here?
Riley Poole: Well, I'm no expert but... it could be that the hydrothermic properties of this region produce hurricane-force ice storms that cause the ocean to freeze and then melt and then refreeze, resulting in a semisolid migrating land mass that would land a ship right around here.
--“National Treasure” (2004)



____________________
Patrick Gates: The Statue of Liberty! But which one?
Riley Poole: Exactly! Wait, there's more than one?
--"National Treasure: Book of Secrets" (2007)



____________________________
William: I enjoyed the movie very much. I was just wondering, did you ever consider having more horses in it?
Anna: Well, we would have liked to. But it was difficult, obviously, being set in outer space...
--“Notting Hill” (1999)



_____________________
George: This is good Lace, you're a good cook.
Lace: No, I only make two things pretty well: pork chops and turkey.
George: Which is this?
--"Phenomenon" (1996)



______________
Will Turner: This is either madness... or brilliance....
Jack Sparrow: It's remarkable how often those two traits coincide...
--"Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl" (2003)



_____________________
Diane: Like who? I looked in the Yellow Pages. "Furniture Movers" we've got; "Strange Phenomenon", there's no listing...
--"Poltergeist" (1982)



_____________________
Reverend Scott: Through the kitchens and go deeper and deeper in the ship till we reach the hull. That way!
Mike Rogo: And you just kick out the botton and we swim ashore, huh?
Linda Rogo: Or maybe you could yell 'This is the police' and it'll open right up!
--"The Poseidon Adventure" (1972)



___________
Jules: Looks like me and Vincent caught you at breakfast, sorry about that. What'cha eatin'?
Brett: Hamburgers.
Jules: Hamburgers. The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast...
--"Pulp Fiction" (1994)



_____________________
Vincent Vega: And you know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Paris?
Jules: They don't call it a Quarter Pounder with cheese?
Vincent: No man, they got the metric system...
--"Pulp Fiction" (1994)


__________________
Dr. Bruner: Raymond, wouldn't you feel more relaxed in your favorite K-Mart clothes?
Charlie: Tell him, Ray.
Raymond: K-Mart sucks.
--"Rain Man" (1988)



_____________________
Kent: What's this supposed to be?
Chris: This is ice. This is what happens to water when it gets too cold...
--"Real Genius" (1985)



_____________________
Chris Knight: Kent put his name on his license plate.
Mitch Taylor: My mother does that to my underwear.
Chris: Your mother puts license plates in your underwear? How do you sit?
--"Real Genius" (1985)



_____________________
Professor Hathaway: I want to see more of you around the lab.
Chris: Fine. I'll gain weight.
--"Real Genius" (1985)



____________________
Chris Knight: If you think that by threatening me you can get me to be your slave, well... that's where you're right...
--"Real Genius" (1985)



_____________________
Dirk Pitt: I'm sorry, I don't speak English.
Gunboat Officer: You are speaking English right now.
Dirk Pitt: No, I only know how to say, "I don't speak English" in English.
--"Saraha" (2005)



_____________________
Lloyd Dobler: I got a question. If you guys know so much about women, how come you're here at like the Gas 'n' Sip on a Saturday night completely alone drinking beers with no women anywhere?
Joe: By choice, man!
--"Say Anything" (1989)



_____________________
Lloyd Dobler: I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that.
--"Say Anything" (1989)



_____________________
Hal: There's Rosemary.
Mauricio: Where?
Hal: Right there!
Mauricio: Is she behind the Rhino?
--"Shallow Hal" (2001)



_____________________
Harriet Michaels: Do you actually like haggis?
Charlie Mackenzie: No, I think it's repellent in every way. In fact, I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
--"So I Married an Axe Murderer" (1993)



_____________________
Charlie Mackenzie: Dad, how can you hate "The Colonel"?
Stuart Mackenzie: Because he puts a secret ingredient in his chicken that makes ya crave it fortnightly, smartass!
--"So I Married an Axe Murderer" (1993)



_____________________
Jack: It's a game. If he gets the money he wins, if the bus blows up he wins.
Annie: What if you win?
Jack: Then tomorrow we'll play another one.
Annie: But I'm not available to drive tomorrow. Busy.
--"Speed" (1994)



____________________
Jack: Miss, can you handle this bus?
Annie: Oh sure. It's just like driving a really big Pinto....
--"Speed" (1994)



_____________________
McCoy: Where are we going?
Kirk: Where they went.
McCoy: Suppose they went nowhere?
Kirk: Then this will be your big chance to get away from it all.
--"Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan" (1982)



_____________________
Gillian: So you're from outer space?
James T. Kirk: No, I'm from Iowa. I only work in outer space.
--"Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home" (1986)



___________
Lois Lane: Any more at home like you?
Clark Kent: Uh, not really...no
...--"Superman" (1978)



___________________
Clark: Lois, you wrote that the world doesn't need a savior, but every day I hear people crying for one.....
--"Superman Returns" (2006)



___________________
Clark Kent: How did Lex Luthor get out of prison?
Jimmy Olsen: When his appeals came up, they called Superman as a witness, and he never showed. How much do you think that pisses off Superman?
Clark: A lot...
--"Superman Returns" (2006)



_____________________
Andy: Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things...and no good thing ever dies......
--"The Shawshank Redemption" (1994)



_______________
Kat Ellis: I've been spilling my guts all weekend and I don't know anything about you.
Nick Mercer: I'm allergic to fabric softener, and I majored in comparative literature at Brown.
--"The Wedding Date" (2005)



___________________________
Rebecca: Jack has a baby?
Peter: I realize such a concept tends to negate our belief in a benevolent God, but yes.
--"Three Men and a Baby" (1987)



_____________________
H.G. Wells: Do you still insist that this is all poppycock?
Amy Robbins: That's not the word I had in mind.
--"Time after Time" (1979)



_____________________
Noelle: What's wrong, Abby?
Dr. Abby Barnes: Nothing that a rooftop and an AK-47 won't take care of.
--"The Truth about Cats and Dogs" (1996)



____________
Cosmetics Saleslady: We also have this new face cream which neutralizes the free radicals that attack the skin. Let me ask you: what's your skin regime?
Dr. Abby Barnes: My regime? The regime from which the radicals are trying to get free? Are we selling face cream or staging a coup?
--"The Truth about Cats and Dogs" (1996)



_____________________
Dusty: Tasty cow, Aunt Meg!
--"Twister" (1996)



_______________
(Einar points his shotgun at Gary...)
Gary Watson: You've seen too many westerns old man...
Einar Gilkyson: That doesn't exactly work in your favor...
--"An Unfinished Life" (2005)



_______________________
Evey: Who are you?
V: Who? Who is but the form following the function of what, and what I am is a man in a mask.
Evey: Well I can see that.
V: Of course you can. I'm not questioning your powers of observation, I'm merely remarking upon the paradox of asking a masked man who he is.
--"V for Vendetta" (2005)



_____________
Harry: I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
--"When Harry Met Sally" (1989)



_____________________
Willy Wonka: A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men...
--"Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory" (1971)



_____________________
Willy Wonka: Invention is 93% perspiration, 6% inspiration, 3% electricity and 2% Butter scotch ripple.
--"Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory" (1971)

Miscellaneous


___________________
John Davidson: One third of all ice cream sold in the United States is?
Louie Anderson: In my freezer...
--"Hollywood Squares" (CBS)



_____________________
Frosty: I can count to ten. One, two, three, four, five, nine, six, eight... Well, I can count to five...
--"Frosty The Snowman" (CBS)



___________________
When you’re in the middle of the public eye, it’s wrong to cheat on someone, unless you’re very careful. If you’re normal, and no one’s going to know, then do it…
--Paris Hilton


___________________
The world is divided between two kinds of people--those who divide the world into two kinds of people, and those who do not....
--Peter Benchley

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Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff....
--Mariah Carey


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Please, hold your applause until it's for me...
-- Steve Martin, 2001 Academy Awards


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I love Christmas....I wish it came every year!
--Anonymous TVGuy relative, 1977.


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We choose to go to the Moon. We choose to go to the Moon. We choose to go to the Moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard.....I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a man on the Moon and returning him safely to the Earth. No single space project in this time period will be more impressive to Mankind, or more important for the long-range exploration of space. And none will be so difficult or expensive to accomplish....
--President John F. Kennedy


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New York is the place where if you have talent, and you believe in yourself, and you show people what you can do, then some day, maybe... just maybe... you could get shoved in front of a moving subway train...
--Dave Barry

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I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was.... an arctic wilderness....
--Steve Martin


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Beer is living proof God loves us and wants us to be happy...
--Benjamin Franklin


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I prefer Hostess fruit pies to pop-up toaster tarts because they don't require as much cooking...
--Carrie Snow


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All power corrupts, but we need the electricity...
--Unknown



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Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
--Dave Barry



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Talent is like electricity. We don't understand electricity. We use it.
--Maya Angelou



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Billy Crystal: Good news, they found Nemo. The bad news is, they found him in one of Wolfgang Puck's puff pastries...
--"The 75th annual Academy Awards" (ABC)


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Billy Crystal: A billion people are watching tonight - except for Linda Tripp, who's taping it...
--"70th Annual Academy Awards" (1998)


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Steve Martin: For me, hosting the Academy Awards is like making love to a beautiful woman. You can only do it when Billy Crystal's not in town...
--"The 73rd Annual Academy Awards" (ABC)