Sports Night


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Dan: We'll bring you the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat, and because we've got soccer highlights, the sheer pointlessness of a zero-zero tie.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Dan: Where I come from, we don't say things about people.
Natalie: You come from Connecticut.
Dan: That's right.
Natalie: You don't say things about people in Connecticut?
Dan: We do not.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Dana: People in Graphics are my friends.
Natalie: That's not quite right.
Dana: I am so nice to them!
Natalie: That's one way of looking at it.
Dana: What's another way?
Natalie: That often times you express your displeasure with their work in ways that make them want to take their own lives.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Natalie: Good news.
Dana: What?
Natalie: Pluto's still a planet.
Sally: It was touch and go there for a while?
Natalie: Don't underestimate Pluto. Pluto doesn't know the word quit.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Dana: Wow!
Casey: Wow what?
Dana: These cars are going fast.
Casey: Yeah they're going as fast as they can 'cause the first one across the finish line gets a trophy and a check.
Dana: Like a race?
Casey: Right....
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Casey: Dogs?
Dana: Dogs. Yes. Specially trained dogs.
Dan: We want to meet them.
Dana: Guys...
Dan: We want to meet the dogs right now.
Dana: Okay. And what will you say to the dogs when you meet them?
Dan: (pause) She's got a decent point.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Dan: Do you know how many times you'd have to kill me before I'd name a soccer player Athlete of the Century?
Natalie: Let's find out.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Dana: When was the last good idea you had?
Natalie: When I got up this morning, I decided not to stick my hand in the blender.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Dan: Commenting on his sub par performance after the game, Reed said "My head just wasn't in the game." Anyone knowing the location of Reed's head should contact the proper authorities.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Casey: I find that when I need a stamp there's never one around. This is back when I used to write letters. When I used to write letters, I could never find a stamp.
Dana: Hey, can you guess what I'm thinking now?
Casey: That no one gives a damn about me and my history with stamps?
Dana: Bullseye!
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Dana: By the way, in the memos that are circulating we're spelling Chattanooga about fourteen different ways. Now, what do we know?
Jeremy: Two O's, three A's.
Dana: That's it?
Jeremy: No, there are other letters too. But surely that's not what you meant.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Sam: I just needed for you to get your butt in here.
Dana: I'm looking forward to killing you, you know?
Sam: I have been through alcohol, marriage, and network television. If you want to kill me, you're going to need some kryptonite.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Jeremy: Dana, do you have the first idea of how to operate any of this equipment?
Dana: This is called an owner's manual, my friend, and I have read it cover to cover.
Jeremy: I've read Doctor Zhivago cover to cover. Doesn't make me the tsar.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Natalie: Jeremy, can you get Dan something interesting about Milwaukee?
Jeremy: I can tell you that it's not the capital of Wisconsin.
Dana: And while that may be true, I need it to be about the team, and, oh yeah, I need it to be interesting.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Natalie: What's that?
Dan: It's an abacus.
Natalie: Excellent.
Dan: An antique abacus.
Jeremy: Probably the only kind there are.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Casey: While we're gone, if any talking animals tell you to buy any tacos or beer, for God's sake do what they say.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Natalie: You know what you want yet?
Casey: Yeah, I've been vacillating between...
Natalie: Name it by sundown or you're getting socks.
Casey: OK. She's my secret Santa.
Dan: Yeah?
Casey: Like something out of a fairy tale dream.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Dan: You went to a woman's apartment and there you had wine and there you had sex.
Casey: You are way off base, that is not what happened, except... yes, that's what happened.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Dan: A lot has changed since the last time you were out there.
Casey: Out where?
Dan: There. Out there. Where women are.
Casey: Everybody still wears shoes, right?
Dan: Do they ever...
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Casey: Usually we get thirty to forty seconds for each game. A little more if it's chock-full of spectacular plays and/or playoff consequences, a little less if it goes the other way, but thirty to forty seconds is usually the rule of thumb.
Jeremy: I see, And how long did mine run?
Casey: Eight and a half minutes.
Jeremy: Ah.
Casey: Yeah.
Jeremy: That's long.
Casey: Yeah, it ran a little over, yeah.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Dana: You got a whisk?
Casey: A whisk?
Dana: Yes.
Casey: That's the thing you, uh . . .
Dana: For scrambled eggs. You stir it really fast in a bowl.
Casey: I can't just use the fork?
Dana: Truthfully, yes.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Casey: "The sophomore sensation credits her agility and quick first step to her father, who used to take her to a neghborhood park all covered with cheese". (laughs) Dana, we got all kinds of sentence construction here. I think he's gonna have to explain that it's the park that's covered with cheese and not the father.
Dan: This is an unforgiving room.
Natalie: Plus it's a little hard to figure how running through cheese helped the kid with her agility and quick first step.
Dan: Thank you everyone.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Dana: My brother can beat up your brother.
Natalie: My brother is a grad student in comparative literature. My mother can beat up my brother.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Natalie: I picked your name. I'm your Secret Santa.
Casey: It's not much of a secret now, is it?
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Jeremy: A forty-ninth anniversary tribute?
Dan: There's a law it's gotta come on fives and tens?
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Dan: I read "Beowulf" in three hours.
Casey: How could you read "Beowulf" in three hours?
Dan: I didn't read it, really, but I saw the movie.
Casey: Uh, but there's no movie of "Beowulf".
Dan: What the hell movie did I see?
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Jeremy: Crossing that sacred territory into family members.
Natalie: I cross it with gusto.
Jeremy: Cross away, for I have no problem with this, as you are my girlfriend and she is my sister.
Natalie: Then why are you talking like Theodoric of York?
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Dan: Maybe he's just busy.
Natalie: Yeah.
Casey: Maybe he met another woman and he forgot all about you.
Natalie: Maybe I'll jam a number two pencil up your nose.
Casey: Maybe he's just busy.
Natalie: Maybe that's right.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Casey: There is a perception in the press, never more clear than in this article, that I'm not cool. Now where do you suppose that perception comes from?
Dana: I think it comes from reality.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Dana: You have good ideas a lot. I find myself saying, "Natalie's got a good idea."
Natalie: But you also find yourself saying, "Natalie, if you screw that up again I'll set you on fire."
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Dan: Elliot wants to know why there's a twenty-pound frozen turkey in the light grid.
Dana: It's twenty-four pounds.
Dan: I'll them him that, but then he'll probably wanna know why there's a twenty-four-pound frozen turkey in the light grid.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Dan: What do you do with your money?
Natalie: What do I do with my money? Well, my portfolio is pretty much tied up in food and shelter, Dan.
Dan: I meant, your disposable income. I've got some extra money and I don't know what to do with it.
Natalie: Wow. That must really suck.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Casey: We're having some very bizarre computer problems, have you noticed that? The AP wire's getting numbers wrong.
Natalie: What do you need?
Casey: Messersmith won the Gold Medal in the pole vault with a leap of 238 feet, six inches?
Natalie: That doesn't sound right.
Casey: It lacks a ring of truth, yes.
Natalie: 238 feet, six inches in the pole vault. That'd be a record, wouldn't it?
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Isaac: Someone holds the copyright to 'Happy Birthday?'
Dan: The representatives of Patty and Mildred Hill.
Isaac: It took two people to write that song?
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Dan: You know what pumps me up?
Casey: I know you like grape jelly.....
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Casey: That just about does it for tonight's show. It's a holiday weekend so if you're driving out to the stadium tomorrow, please please remember to take your car.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Dana: Name three things the Knicks need to do this season, to make it to the finals.
Jeremy: I couldn't get another question?
Dana: You will. But not till I get an answer to the first one.
Jeremy: What do the Knicks...
Dana: Three things the Knicks need to do to contend.
Jeremy: Ms. Whitaker, I'd be great at this job. You gotta believe me when I tell you I've been training my whole life for it. I've crunched stats, I've broken down film, and there wasn't a team at my high school that didn't have me for an equipment manager. I have read every box score in every paper that's written in English and has a sports section and I have seen Sports Night every night since your first broadcast, two years, two months, and a week ago today. Now yes, sure, indeed, I can tell you what Ewing and Oakley are shooting from the field, and I can tell you that you're not gonna stop John Starks if he squares up to the basket, and put any defensive pressure on Charlie Ward he's gonna fold like a cheap card table. But if you're asking me for genuinely sophisticated analysis, AND I SENSE THAT YOU ARE, you gotta give me some time. At least 20 minutes. Did that make any sense?
Dana: I wasn't really listening...
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Natalie: [yelling into the microphone] CASEY! DID YOU GET THE CHANGE ON ARROWHEAD AND DENVER?
Casey: Natalie, if you shout into a microphone when I'm wearing an earpiece it poses the question, is there a decibel level at which the human head will just, y'know, explode?
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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J.J.: I’m concerned with Casey’s performance on the air lately.
Dan: What’s your point?
J.J.: My point is, at the moment, Casey has less on-air charm and charisma than my high school driving instructor, and you know it, Dan. Now I think the time has come for you to think about the possibility of another partner.
Dan: I’m not going to do the show with your high school driving instructor...
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Dana: I need to talk to you.
Casey: There is a perception in the press, never clearer than in this article, that I'm not cool. Now, where do you think this perception comes from?
Dana: I think it comes from reality....
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Casey: Hey, Isaac?
Isaac: Yeah?
Casey: You think I'm cool, right?
Isaac: Do I look like I'm in the mood to do this now?
Casey: Not really.
Isaac: Then let's assume I'm not.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Casey: You're dating a porn star?
Jeremy: I have met and spent social time with an actress who appears in adult films, yes.
Casey: How you manage to make dating a porn star sound like a day at the public library is beyond me.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Dan: You know I came this close to being drafted as a wide receiver?
Casey: Really? What happened?
Dan: Well, I never actually played organized ball.
Casey: Ah.
Dan: And even if I had I wasn't fast enough to be a wide receiver.
Casey: But, other than that...?
Dan: This close, my friend.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Sally: I've been executive producer of West Coast Update for 16 months. Our show has never failed to win its time slot.
Isaac: You're on at two a.m. Sally, your competition is a Bonanza re-run and four guys making cheese.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Rebecca: Everytime I tried to find you, someone would say that you had just left the place that someone else had just said you had been right before.
Dan: That was a truly spectacular sentence...
--"Sports Night" (ABC)



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Dan: Eleven years ago, he pitched a perfect game.
Rebecca: A perfect game...
Dan: Yes ma'am.
Rebecca: And a perfect game is good?
Dan: Listen, I know there's a lot of jargon, but some of these are pretty self-explanatory.
--"Sports Night" (ABC)

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Jeremy: If not now, when? If not me, then who?
Casey: Later and somebody else...
--"Sports Night", (ABC)