The Big Bang Theory


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Leonard: [about Penny] Our babies will be smart and beautiful.
Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary...
--"The Big Bang Theory" (CBS)



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Leonard: I love cheesecake.
Sheldon: You're lactose intolerant.
Leonard: I don't eat it. I just think it's a good idea.
--"The Big Bang Theory" (CBS)



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Penny: Well, I'm a Sagittarius which probably tells you way more than you need to know...
Sheldon: Yes. It tells us you believe in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.
--"The Big Bang Theory" (CBS)


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Sheldon: I can't believe he fired me.
Leonard: Well, you did call him a glorified high school science teacher whose last successful experiment was lighting his own farts.
Sheldon: In my defense, I prefaced that with, "with all due respect".
--"The Big Bang Theory" (CBS)



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Penny: Leonard, I didn't know you played the cello.
Leonard: Yeah, my parents felt that naming me Leonard and putting me in advanced placement classes wasn't getting me beaten up enough....
--"The Big Bang Theory" (CBS)



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Leonard: What's wrong?
Penny: Well, Howard and Christy are...kind of hooking up in my bedroom.
Leonard: Are you sure?
Penny: Look, I grew up on a farm. From what I heard, they're either having sex, or Howard's caught in a milking machine.
--"The Big Bang Theory" (CBS)



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Penny: Do you have any idea what time it is?
Sheldon: Of course I do. My watch is linked to the atomic clock in Boulder, Colorado. It's accurate to one-tenth of a second. But as I'm saying this, it occurs to me that, once again, your question may have been rhetorical.
--"The Big Bang Theory" (CBS)



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Sheldon: Anyway, the housekeeper in the faculty residence didn't speak any English. When I finally managed to convince her I was sick, she said, "Möchtest du eine Darmspülung?"
Penny: What does that mean?
Sheldon: Based on what happened next, I assume it means, "Would you like an enema?"
--"The Big Bang Theory" (CBS)

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Sheldon: What's your favorite fruit?

Stephanie: Strawberries.
Sheldon: Not technically a fruit, but okay...

--"The Big Bang Theory" (CBS)

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Sheldon: I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble Telescope does of discovering at the center of every black hole is a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker.

--"The Big Bang Theory" (CBS)