John Davidson: One third of all ice cream sold in the United States is?
Louie Anderson: In my freezer...
--"Hollywood Squares" (CBS)
Frosty: I can count to ten. One, two, three, four, five, nine, six, eight... Well, I can count to five...
--"Frosty The Snowman" (CBS)
I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestioned ability of a man to elevate his life by conscious endeavor...
--Henry David Thoreau
When you’re in the middle of the public eye, it’s wrong to cheat on someone, unless you’re very careful. If you’re normal, and no one’s going to know, then do it…
The world is divided between two kinds of people--those who divide the world into two kinds of people, and those who do not....
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff....
Please, hold your applause until it's for me...
-- Steve Martin, 2001 Academy Awards
I love Christmas....I wish it came every year!
--Anonymous TVGuy relative, 1977.
We choose to go to the Moon. We choose to go to the Moon. We choose to go to the Moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard.....I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a man on the Moon and returning him safely to the Earth. No single space project in this time period will be more impressive to Mankind, or more important for the long-range exploration of space. And none will be so difficult or expensive to accomplish....
--President John F. Kennedy
New York is the place where if you have talent, and you believe in yourself, and you show people what you can do, then some day, maybe... just maybe... you could get shoved in front of a moving subway train...
I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was.... an arctic wilderness....
Beer is living proof God loves us and wants us to be happy...
I prefer Hostess fruit pies to pop-up toaster tarts because they don't require as much cooking...
All power corrupts, but we need the electricity...
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
Talent is like electricity. We don't understand electricity. We use it.
Billy Crystal: Good news, they found Nemo. The bad news is, they found him in one of Wolfgang Puck's puff pastries...
--"The 75th annual Academy Awards" (ABC)
Billy Crystal: A billion people are watching tonight - except for Linda Tripp, who's taping it...
--"70th Annual Academy Awards" (1998)
Steve Martin: For me, hosting the Academy Awards is like making love to a beautiful woman. You can only do it when Billy Crystal's not in town...
--"The 73rd Annual Academy Awards" (ABC)
Seth Rogen: It is a true honor to finally be presenting here at the Golden Globes, although honestly I wish I got to do this a long time ago in a different era in Hollywood, perhaps. Maybe like the 80s, you know, that way instead of being drunk with Mickey Rourke tonight I'd be doing cocaine with Mickey Rourke tonight....
--"The 66th Golden Globe Awards" (FOX)
Penn: Consumers are offered water with names conveying pure and pristine water sources. Ever hear of Alaskan Falls water? That must come from the crystal-clear glacial waters of our 49th state, right? Sorry, folks. Alaskan flows from this liqui-box corporation building in Worthington, Ohio. Does the brand Yosemite conjure up visions of the cool, prestine waters rushing through California's high sierras? Well, then the marketers have done their jobs. The source of Yosemite bottled water is actually 400 miles away in Northwest Los Angeles...
--"Penn & Teller: Bullshit!" (Showtime)
In the end, though, maybe we must all give up trying to pay back the people in this world who sustain our lives. In the end, maybe it's wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely, for as long as we have voices...
--"Eat, Pray, Love", Elizabeth Gilbert
Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.