The West Wing


_______________________
Bartlett: Twenty-seven lawyers in the room, anybody know "post hoc, ergo propter hoc"? Josh?
Josh: Ah, post, after hoc, ergo, therefore... After hoc, therefore... something else hoc.
Bartlett: Thank you. Next. Leo.?
Leo: After it, therefore because of it.
Bartlett: After it, therefore because of it. It means one thing follows the other, therefore it was caused by the other. But it's not always true. In fact it's hardly ever true. We did not lose Texas because of the hat joke. Do you know when we lost Texas?
C.J.: When you learned to speak Latin?
Bartlett: Go figure...
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_____________________
CJ: What are you, 4'10"?
Annabeth: 4'11".
CJ: I can't believe we're the same species....
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


____________
President Bartlet: Are we out of pens? That's a good pen, I need an everyday pen.
Charlie: I've got pens....
Bartlet: You've got crappy pens with plastic tops. I need a solid pen that feels good in my hand but it's not so formal I feel like a dandy.
Charlie: I'm making some trips to pen stores, aren't I, Mr. President?
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
President Josiah Bartlet: "We hold these truths to be self-evident," they said, "that all men are created equal." Strange as it may seem, that was the first time in history that anyone had ever bothered to write that down.... Decisions are made by those who show up.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Donna: A thing the size of a garbage truck is gonna be in a two-thousand-mile-an-hour free fall and no one knows where it's gonna hit!
Charlie: I'm rooting for Zurich..... I've had it up to here with the Swiss....
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Josh: You're... quite a nerd, Mr. President.
Bartlet:: Really?
Josh: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: I assume that was said with all due respect.
Josh: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: Is it nerd-like to know that Everglades National Park is the largest remaining subtropical wilderness in the continental United States, AND has extensive mangrove forests?
Josh: Just a little bit. Yes, sir.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Sam: I'm going to register with the Republican party. And I'll tell you why, if you're curious. It's because they're a freedom-loving people.
Ainsley: We also like beef.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
President Barlet: You think I could take George Washington?
Charlie: Take him at what, sir?
Bartlet: I don't know...a war?
Charlie: Well, you'd have the Air Force and he'd have the minutemen, right?
Bartlet: The minutemen were good...
Charlie: Still, I think you'd probably take him..
Barlet: Yeah..
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Toby: A hooker?
Sam: Call girl...
Toby: Oh, well that's a distinction that's going to be very important to the grand jury.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Josh: I drink from the keg of glory, Donna. Bring me the finest bagels and muffins in all the land...
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Toby: You think the United States is under attack from 12,000 Cubans in rowboats.
Sam: I'm not saying I don't like our chances.
Toby: Mindboggling to me that we ever won an election.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Bartlet: There was a while there I wanted to be a chemistry professor.
Leo: What happened?
Bartlet: I never actually studied chemistry.
Leo: Well, these college chemistry departments are really demanding that way.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


____________________
President Bartlet: We should organize a staff field trip to Shenandoah! I could even act as a guide! What do you think?
Josh: Good a place as any to dump your body.
Bartlet: What was that?
Josh: Did I say that out loud?
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Bartlet: Two-thousand environmentalists are going to try to kill me tomorrow night.
Charlie: We should go, sir.
Bartlet: They're going to come at me with vegan food and pitchforks.
Charlie: That doesn't really sound like something people do.
Bartlet: Still, I'd like you to get between me and any boiled seaweed you see coming my way.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Bartlet: You know what we're eating tonight?
Josh: No, sir.
Bartlet: Hot pumpkin soup with cheese gnocchi and a chévre brioche.
Josh: Was anything you just said food?
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Operator: Thank you for calling the Butterball Hotline...
President Josiah Bartlet: If I cook the stuffing inside my turkey, can I kill my guests? I'm not saying that would be a deal breaker.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
President Bartlet: (to Leo) When I think of all the work you put in to get me to run, when I think of all the work you did to get me elected...I could pummel your ass with a baseball bat.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Sam: The U.S. is one of five countries on earth that puts to death people who're under the age of 18 when they committed a crime.
Charlie: Nigeria.
Sam: Pakistan.
Charlie: Saudi Arabia and Iran?
Sam: Yeah. So, that's a list we definitely want to be on.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


______________________
CJ: The more photo-friendly of the two turkeys gets a Presidential pardon and a full life at a children's petting zoo; the other one gets eaten.
President Barlet: If the Oscars were like that, I'd watch.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Mandy: Who was the last president to commute a sentence?
Josh: Lincoln.
Mandy: Abraham?
Josh: No, Bert Lincoln.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Toby: He calls you and me the Batman and Robin of speech-writing.
Sam: Well, I don't think he does...
Toby: He doesn't, but he should, 'cause that's what we are.
Sam: Okay. Toby: We're Batman and Robin! Sam: Which one's which?
Toby: Look at me, Sam. Am I Robin?
Sam: I'm not Robin.
Toby: Yes, you are. Sam: Okay, well, let's move off this.
Toby: You bet, little friend.
Sam: Listen, we're really not Batman and Robin.
Toby: No, we'll keep those identities secret. I'm Bruce Wayne and you're my ward.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Josh: An hour with you in a rare bookstore...Couldn't you just drop me off the top of the Washington monument instead?
President Bartlet : It's Christmas Josh, no reason we cant do both.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Leo: There are two things in the world you never want people to see how you make them... laws and sausages.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Toby: Oh, my God. Have you been on the plane the whole time?
Andy: No, I hopped on board when you guys were over the Great Lakes.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Josh: I want to be a comfort to my friends in tragedy, and I want to be able to celebrate with them in triumph. And for all the times in between I just want to be able to look them in the eye...
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Donna: About 50,000 proposals a year are submitted to the Citizens' Stamp Advisory Committee, the acronym for which is...
Josh: Dork squad?
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Toby: You know what state has a large population of Hispanics?
Josh: I want to say Maine, but, ah --
Toby: California.
Josh: California. Damn, and I was only off by a continent.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)



______________
Josh (on how to deal with terrorists): You want to get these people? I mean, you really want to reach in and kill them where they live? Keep accepting more than one idea. It makes them absolutely crazy...
--"The West Wing" (NBC)



______________
Santos: The framers of our Constitution believed that if the people were to be sovereign and belong to different religions at the same time then our official religion would have to be no religion at all. It was a bold experiment then as it is now. It wasn't meant to make us comfortable, it was meant to make us free....
--"The West Wing" (NBC)



____________________
Josh: What's to think about? Really.
Sam: For one thing whether I want to end up looking like you.
Josh: It's the hairline isn't it?
Sam: It's retreated.
Josh: It's routed, like Napoleon out of Moscow....
--"The West Wing" (NBC)



____________________
Bartlet: Josh, perhaps you could shed some light on this State Department cable: 'Turkmenistan to U.S.: We didn't order these pizzas'.
Josh: Bet you're thinking there's a really good explanation for that, sir?
--"The West Wing" (NBC)



_______________
CJ: Overwhelming response to the State of the Union. Thirty-six interruptions for applause.
Bartlet: I don't know what's more embarrassing. That we count them or that I care....
--"The West Wing" (NBC)



_______________
Sam: What can I do for you, Bob?
Bob: In a nutshell?
Sam: So to speak.
Bob: We'd like the White House to pay a little more attention to UFOs.
Sam: Are we paying any attention at all right now?
Bob: No.
Sam: Thank God.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)



_______________________
President Bartlet : Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful and committed citizens can change the world. Do you know why?
Will: It's the only thing that ever has?
--"The West Wing" (NBC)



__________________
Leo: How you doing, Ainsley?
Ainsley: I'm concerned about peeing on your carpet.
Leo: Ok. Well, now I am, too.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)



_______________________
Reporter: I'm curious about the President's farm in Manchester. The property value increased $750,000. What's that due to?
C.J.: Secret Service improvements.
Reporter: Can you go into detail, please?
C.J.: The property now includes a helipad and the ability to run a global war from the sun porch.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)



_______________________
Josh: We're going to do good cop/bad cop.
Toby: No, we're really not.
Josh: Why not?
Toby: Because this isn't an episode of Hawaii Five-O.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


____________________
Ainsley Hayes: Mr. Tribbey? I'd like to do well on this, my first assignment. Any advice you could give me that might point me the way of success would be, by me, appreciated.
Lionel Tribbey: Well, not speaking in iambic pentameter might be a step in the right direction.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


_______________________
Toby Zeigler: You know the thing about you, Mr. President? It isn't so much that you cheat. It's how brazenly bad you are at it.
President Bartlet: I beg your pardon?
Josh Lyman: Toby's got a point there, sir.
President Bartlet: When have I ever cheated?
Toby: Up in Florida, playing mixed doubles with me and C.J. You tried to tell us that your partner worked at the American Consulate in Vienna.
President Bartlet: And she did!
Toby: It was Steffi Graf, sir.
President Bartlet: Well, I will admit that the woman bore a striking resemblance...
--"The West Wing" (NBC)


________________
Toby: If you combine the populations of Great Britain, France, Germany, Japan, Switzerland, Sweden, Denmark and Australia, you'll get a population roughly the size of the United States. We had 32,000 gun deaths last year. They had 112. Do you think it's because Americans are more homicidal by nature? Or do you think it's because those guys have gun control laws?
--"The West Wing" (NBC)