Saturday Night Live


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Tina Fey: A U.S. born panda bear named Hua Mei will soon be returned to her ancestral homeland of China, where she is expected to be…delicious.
--"Saturday Night Live" (NBC)



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Dennis Miller: Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?
--"Saturday Night Live" (NBC)



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Dennis Miller: Three weeks ago, Pepsi-Cola bought 7-Up and, this week, Coca-Cola bought Dr. Pepper. And this morning, in the smartest move of the year, the distant third-ranking soft drink, Royal Crown, bought the entire water supply of North America....
--"Saturday Night Live" (NBC)



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Tina Fey: According to military analysts, an invasion of Iraq by U.S. forces could cost between $20 and $50 billion. The Pentagon announced that it would offset those costs by referring to it as the Verizon Wireless/Pizza Hut War Against Iraq.
--"Saturday Night Live" (NBC)



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Dennis Miller: Michael Moore's going to wake up every day for the rest of his life, and he's going to tell us how he hates everything about this country except his right to hate it. And then we say that we love it and he's going to tell us what naive sheep we are and that he's the true patriot because he hates it and he sees all the problems in it. Yeah, right, Mike. You know something, if my yawn got any bigger they'd have to assign it a hurricane name...
--"Saturday Night Live" (NBC)



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Tina Fey: In order to feel safer on his private jet, actor John Travolta has purchased a bomb-sniffing dog. Unfortunately for the actor, the dog came six movies too late.
--"Saturday Night Live" (NBC)



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Tina Fey: It was announced this week that Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown will perform a show together at the Aladdin casino in Las Vegas. Tickets are $150. $200 if Whitney and Bobby actually show up. The concert will be sponsored by Snapple and cocaine.
--"Saturday Night Live" (NBC)




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Tina Fey: The long-closed 70th floor of our very own Rockefeller Center is being re-opened as an observation deck. I guess Tom Brokaw and I will have to find a new place to secretly make love.
--"Saturday Night Live" (NBC)


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Harry Caray: It's a simple question Doctor... would you eat the moon if it were made of ribs? I know I would. Heck! I'd have seconds and then polish it off with a tall cool Budweiser.... Hey! What about this: if you had to choose between being the top scientist in your field or getting mad cow disease, what would it be?
--"Saturday Night Live" (NBC)



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Tina Fey: Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris has been all over the news this week. First she set a deadline for the recount, then she was overruled, now she's been stripped of her ability to certify the Florida votes. Katherine Harris hasn't gotten this much attention since spring break '77. Look at her, she looks divorced. She looks like the woman being cheated on in a Mexican soap opera. Katherine, honey, there's another setting on your make-up mirror. It's called "daytime." Check it out...
--"Saturday Night Live" (NBC)



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Kevin Nealon: In health news, scientists have announced the invention of a women's condom. The condom works by fitting snugly over a woman's wine glass..
--"Saturday Night Live" (NBC)



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Norm MacDonald: Many people are skeptical about marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Pressley. They say, Lisa Marie is more of a sit at home type, while Michael Jackson is more of a homosexual pedophile...
--"Saturday Night Live" (NBC)


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Tina Fey: In Chicago, a man who was having a heart attack's life was saved when his dog brought him a phone so he could call for help. We should point out however, that for every one of these heart warming animal stories, 100,000 people die while their dogs sit and look at them like morons...
--"Saturday Night Live" (NBC)