Dave: Normally at a time like this I'd ask you for advice, and you'd say something that would make no sense at all, but somehow it would all fit together. Like, I would tell you, "Sir, I have a problem," and you'd say, "Well, what is it?" and I'd say, "Well, sir, Lisa wants to have a baby, but she doesn't want to get married," and you'd say "Dave, why milk the cow when you have a fridge full of steaks?" And I'd say, "Sir, that makes no sense," and you'd say, "Well, it sure made sense when that guy Chuck Connors said it in that movie Chinatown," and I'd say, "Sir, Chuck Connors wasn't in Chinatown," and you'd say, "Dave, if I wanted to have this conversation I'd have hired that guy Siskel Ebert to do your job," and I'd say, "Sir, Siskel and Ebert are two people," and you'd say, "Dave, just because the man is fat is no reason to make fun of him."
Lisa: Just because you end a relationship with somebody doesn't mean you cut them out of your life.
Dave: Oh really? Isn't that actually the definition of ending a relationship??
Beth: My mother always said I had a pretty singing voice
Bill: Well, my mother made me wear a dress until I was 9. They make mistakes.
[Beth finds out that Dave and Lisa made out]
Beth: Dave, there is no avoiding it. When you make out with a co-worker, you have an ugly scene in the office and then the next thing you know, I am at home crying my eyes out because I'm afraid to come into work the next morning!
Dave: We're not talking about me anymore, are we?
Beth: No we're not, Dave, we're talking about me now.
Dave: You and, uh...
Beth: The Fed-Ex guy.
Dave: We don't use Fed-Ex.
Beth: Not anymore.
[Catherine interviews Tom P. Baxter, "business visionary"]
Catherine: I realize no one can actually predict the future, but I understand you have a unique insight into where we might be headed as we approach the turn of the century.
Tom: Yeah I do. As I see it Catherine, the future of business, well the future of this country in fact is... computers.
Catherine: Computers. Okay, would you care to elaborate on that?
Tom: Oh, you bet! I think computers are great! You can keep records on them, play games, they're, well they're like magic.
Tom: I mean I don't have one yet. But I'm gonna get one, you better believe that.
Catherine: What exactly do you do for a living Tom?
Tom: Well I'm between things right now, but all that's gonna change just as soon as I get a computer!
Bill: What's interesting about radio?
Dave: Well I think it's a fascinating medium.
Bill: You're from Wisconsin. Artificial light is fascinating to you....
Bill: They're an acquired taste. Like a good wine or cheese, a sandwich needs to be properly aged. In the olden day, a country squire would age his pheasants for weeks before they were deemed fit for consumption.
Lisa: In the olden days, people used to die of ptomaine poisoning and blamed it on ghosts.
Bill: All this talk about aged lunch meat and ghosts has made me peckish. I'll be at the sandwich machine if I'm needed.
Dave: Wait a minute, Joe. If what you're saying is true, then I still don't care.