Late Show with David Letterman


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If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with pool cues, who would win?
1) Ricky Schroder
2) Gary Coleman
3) The television viewing public
--"Late Show with David Letterman" (CBS)



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(Letterman is working at McDonald's)
David: Yes. Welcome to McDonald's. What do you want?
Customer: Hello...
David: Yeah, what can I do for you?
Customer: Medium Sprite.
David: Yeah, what can I do for you?
Customer: Sprite.
David: Medium Sprite?
Customer: That's it.
David: That's all?
Customer: Yes.
David: You couldn't have gotten out of your car for a medium Sprite?
--"Late Show with David Letterman" (CBS)



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David: Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, "Konsult Kardiologist"...
--"Late Show with David Letterman" (CBS)



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David: Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?
--"Late Show with David Letterman" (CBS)



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David: Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
--"Late Show with David Letterman" (CBS)



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David: USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population...
--"Late Show with David Letterman" (CBS)



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Dave: In just a few minutes, my son will have completed his first trip around the sun....
--"Late Show with David Letterman" (CBS)

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Larry "Bud" Melman: Good evening. Certain CBS executives feel it would be a little unkind to present this show without just a word of friendly warning. We're about to unfold a show featuring David Letterman, a man of science who sought to create a show after his own image -- without reckoning upon God. It's one of the strangest tales ever told. I think it will thrill you. It may shock you. It might even horrify you. So, if any of you feel that you don't care to subject your nerves to such a strain, now's your chance to...well, we've warned you...
--"Late Show with David Letterman" (CBS)