Seinfeld


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Jerry: So, Puddy, this is a pretty good career move for you, huh? No more "grease monkey".
Puddy: I don't much care for that term.
Jerry: Oh. Sorry, I didn't know...
Puddy: No, I don't know too many monkeys who could take apart a fuel injector.
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)


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George: I am not giving you my code.
Kramer: I'll bet I can guess it.
George: Yeah. Right.
Kramer: Oh, alright. Yeah. Uh, let's see. Um, well, we can throw out birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for you, you're a word man. Alright, let's go deeper. Uh, what kind of man are you? Well, you're weak, spineless, a man of temptations, but what tempts you?
George: Huh?
Kramer: You're a portly fellow, a bit long in the waistband. So what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No no no no no, yours is a sweet tooth. Oh you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master, the cocoa bean...
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)


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Jerry (offers a hot dog to Miss Rhode Island) : Hot Dog?
Miss Rhode Island: No, thanks... I'm watching my weight..
Jerry: Ah... I'm watching my height.. my doctor doesn't want me to get any taller...
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)


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Kramer: Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint, it's delicious...
Jerry: That's true...
Kramer: It's very refreshing.
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)


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George: I was free and clear. I was living the dream. I was stripped to the waist eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery.
Jerry: Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise.
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)


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Dean Jones: I've been reviewing Darren's internship journal. Doing laundry, mending chicken wire, high tea with a Mr. Newman?
Kramer: Well, it all sounds pretty glamorous, but it's business as usual at Kramerica Industries.
Dean Jones: Far as I can tell, your entire enterprise is little more than a solitary man with a messy apartment which may or may not contain a chicken.
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)


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George: Where did you get those socks?
Jerry: I dunno...
George: I think those are my socks!
Jerry: How are these your socks?
George: I dunno, but those are my socks! I had a pair just like that with the blue stripe and now I don't have them anymore!
Jerry: Oh yeah, that's right, you fell asleep one day on the sofa and I took them off your stinkin' feet, they looked so good to me, I just had to have 'em....
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)


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George: Don't we have a deal with the pigeons?
Jerry: Of course we have a deal. They get out of the way of our cars, we look the other way on the statue defecation....
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)



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Kramer: What did you want to see me about, Mr. Leland?
Mr. Leland: Kramer, I've been reviewing your work. Quite frankly, it stinks.
Kramer: Well,I've been having trouble at home and, uh, I'll work harder. Nights, weekends, whatever it takes.
Mr. Leland: No, no, I don't think that's going to do it. These reports you handed in, it's almost as if you have no business training at all. I don't know what this is supposed to be.
Kramer: Well, I'm just trying to get ahead.
Mr. Leland: I'm sorry, there's just no way that we can keep you on.
Kramer: But I don't even really work here.
Mr. Leland: That's what makes this so difficult....
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)


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Jerry: Socks are the most amazing article of clothing. They hate their lives. They're in the shoes with stinky feet, the boring drawers. The dryer is their only chance to escape and they all know it.
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)


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Jerry: I'm lactose intolerant. I have no patience for lactose and I won't stand for it....
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)


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Elaine: So what your saying is that 95% of our population is undatable?
Jerry: Undatable!
Elaine: Then how are all of these people getting together?
Jerry: Alcohol...
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)


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George: Let's face it, I was always handicapped. I'm just now getting credit for it...
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)


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Newman: I'm a little... insulted...
Jerry: You're not a little anything, Newman.
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)


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George: A beautiful, successful, intelligent woman is in love with me and I throw it all away. Now I will spend the rest of my life living alone. I'll sit in my disgusting little apartment, watching basketball games, eating Chinese takeout, walking around with no underwear because I'm too lazy to do the laundry...
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)


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George: Elaine! Do women know about shrinkage?
Elaine: You mean like laundry?
Jerry: Like when a man goes swimming... afterwards...
Elaine: It shrinks?!
Jerry: Like a frightened turtle.
Elaine: Why does it shrink?
George: It just does.
Elaine: I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)


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Jerry: When you're moving your whole world becomes boxes. That's all you think about is boxes. Boxes, where are those boxes? You just wander down the street going in and out of stores.... are there boxes here? Have you seen any boxes? You can't even talk to people because you can't concentrate... shut up, I'm looking for boxes! Just after a while you become really into it... you can smell them. You walk into a store... there's boxes here. Don't tell me you don't have boxes, I can SMELL them....
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)



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George: What kind of a person are you?
Jerry: I think I'm pretty much like you, only successful...
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)


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Kramer: Simple. You let out one emotion, all the rest will come with it. It's like Endora's box.
Jerry: That was the mother on Bewitched. You mean Pandora...
Kramer: Yeah, well, she... had one, too.
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)


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Newman: [about Keith Hernandez] And then something happened that changed us in a very deep and profound way from that day forward.
Elaine: What? What happened?
Kramer: He spit on us..
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)



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George: Seven.
Jerry: Seven Costanza... You're serious?
George: Yeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy or a girl. Especially a girl... Or a boy.
Jerry: I don't think so.
George: What, you don't like the name?
Jerry: It's not a name. It's a number.
George: I know. It's Mickey Mantle's number. So not only is it an all-around beautiful name, it is also a living tribute....
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)



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George: I'm 33 years old; I haven't outgrown the problems of puberty, I'm already facing the problems of old age. I completely skipped healthy adulthood. I went from having orgasms immediately, to taking forever. You could do your taxes in the time it takes me to have an orgasm...
--"Seinfeld" (NBC)