TV Guy Quotes Page
(727 Total Quotes)

(updated March 23, 2013)

The quotes are accessible two ways...

1) Just click on the show or category and whatever quotes I have so far for that selection will be displayed in your browser.
2) After that, all quotes are listed on this page in alphabetical order by show.... with motion pictures and miscellaneous at the end...

The quotes are left in "signature file" form if you'd like to use them for email...

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Quotes By Show

>>Alias
>>American Idol
>>Angel
>>Arrested Development
>>Batman
>>The Big Bang Theory
>>Bones
>>Buffy the Vampire Slayer
>>Caroline in the City
>>Castle
>>Cheers
>>Cupid
>>Curb Your Enthusiasm
>>CSI
>>CSI:Miami
>>Daily Show with Jon Stewart
>>Deal or No Deal
>>Desperate Housewives
>>Doctor Who
>>The Drew Carey Show
>>Ed
>>Entourage
>>E.R.
>>Felicity
>>Firefly
>>Flight of the Conchords
>>Frasier
>>Friends
>>From the Earth to the Moon
>>Gilmore Girls
>>Golden Girls
>>Good Eats
>>Grey's Anatomy
>>Heroes
>>House
>>How I Met Your Mother
>>Incredible Hulk
>>JAG
>>Jimmy Kimmel Live
>>Just Shoot Me
>>The Larry Sanders Show
>>Late Night with Conan O'Brian
>>Late Show with David Letterman
>>Lost
>>M*A*S*H
>>Malcolm in the Middle
>>Monk
>>Monty Python's Flying Circus
>>Moonlighting
>>My So-Called Life
>>Mystery Science Theatre 3000
>>NCIS
>>NewsRadio
>>Northern Exposure
>>The Office
>>One Tree Hill
>>Police Squad
>>Pushing Daisies
>>Real Time with Bill Maher
>>Roseanne
>>Saturday Night Live
>>Scrubs
>>Seinfeld
>>The Shield
>>Six Million Dollar Man
>>Smallville
>>The Sopranos
>>South Park
>>Sports Night
>>Star Trek
>>Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
>>Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles
>>3rd Rock From the Sun
>>30 Rock
>>Thirtysomething
>>24
>>Twin Peaks
>>Ugly Betty
>>Veronica Mars
>>Walker, Texas Ranger
>>West Wing
>>Will & Grace
>>Wiseguy
>>X-Files

>>Motion Pictures
>>Miscellaneous

Alias


____________________
Will: Okay, now, here's my question. Who eats this crap? I mean, it's like Marzipan, but it's worse. If it's a question between this or, like, dirt, I would be all over the dirt.
--"Alias" (ABC)



____________________
Sydney: Sloane got back from London last night. Emily knew the truth. Her death, his immediately being let in; I'm confident he killed his wife to get that seat.
Vaughn: Killing his wife wouldn't surprise me. Eating his wife wouldn't surprise me....
--"Alias" (ABC)



____________________
Weiss: There's no way that guy smells as good as you.
Vaughn: It's aftershave. I got a new aftershave.
Weiss: Yeah, well, I'd lighten up on it.
Vaughn: Yeah?
Weiss: Oh, yeah. To the point of non-use.
--"Alias" (ABC)



____________________
Sydney: You know any jokes? 'Cause I could use one.
Vaughn: This grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" And the grasshopper says...
Sydney: "You have a drink named Doug?"
Vaughn: Well, I was going to use Phil.
Sydney: Well, Phil is certainly no funnier than Doug.
--"Alias" (ABC)



____________________
Sydney: You look great. You lost weight?
Weiss: Oh, thanks, yeah. I sorta gave up all the foods that I enjoy...
--"Alias" (ABC)



____________________
Jack Bristow: If you tell anyone about this conversation, you will no longer be able to wear a hat....
--"Alias" (ABC)


____________________
Vaughn: Do you think you can be in love with two people at the same time?
Weiss: No. I don't. However, I did have the same intense feelings for both Sporty and Posh Spice.
Vaughn: Yeah, who didn't?
--"Alias" (ABC)



____________________________
Sydney: Did you close your eyes at all?
Vaughn: On and off. You talk in your sleep.
Sydney: No! What did I say?
Vaughn: "Don't frost the pie!" It seemed really important.
--"Alias" (ABC)

American Idol


__________________
Simon: If you would have been singing like this two thousand years ago, people would have stoned you...
--"American Idol" (FOX)



__________________
Simon: If your lifeguard duties were as good as your singing, a lot of people would be drowning...
--"American Idol" (FOX)



__________________
Simon: Did you really believe you could become the American Idol? Well, then, you're deaf...
--"American Idol" (FOX)

Angel



____________________
Angel: I had to sing Barry Manilow.
Faith: You're kidding.
Angel: In front of people....
Faith: And here I am talking about my petty little problems.
Angel: Just wanted to give you a little perspective.
Faith: "Copacabana"?
Angel: "Mandy". I don't wanna dwell on it...
--"Angel" (WB)



____________________
Angel: What are you cooking?
Fred: I've been trying to make an enchilada out of tree bark.
Angel: Bark enchiladas. Huh...How's that going?
Fred: There is work to be done.
--"Angel" (WB)



____________________
Angel: She asked me to breakfast.
Wesley: Breakfast. Right. How did you respond?
Angel: Well . . . of course I ignored it completely, changed the subject, and locked her in a cage...
--"Angel" (WB)



____________________
Cordelia: I'm not telling your sixteen-year-old boy that.
Angel: Well, someone has to make sure he knows the facts of life. My track record with the whole man/woman thing isn't, you know I don't wanna use the words 'tragic farce' but...
--"Angel" (WB)



____________________
Angel: I don't remember what it was like. Being human. It was too long ago.
Harmony: Not so great. Zits. Dandruff. Mortality...
--"Angel" (WB)



____________________
Angel: [to Doyle] Where'd you pick up computer skills?
Cordelia: Downloading pictures of naked women?
Doyle: Well, that's more or less accurate...
--"Angel" (WB)



_____________________
Angel: The lab is doing some blood work.
Fred: I'm a mummy, aren't I...
Spike: I've fought plenty of mummies, and none of 'em were as pretty as you. Almost none.
--"Angel" (WB)



_____________________
Wesley: I don't know. I think I sort of missed this. You and me and the books, "kickin' it old school," as they say...
[He winces.]
And I never will again....
--"Angel" (WB)



_____________________
Illyria: Your breed is fragile: how is it they came to control this world?
Knox: Opposable thumbs. Um, fire. Television. What they lack in strength, they make up for in extraordinary sneakiness....
--"Angel" (WB)



_____________________
Vail: Did you kill all of my guards?
Angel: All the ones I could find....
--"Angel" (WB)



_____________________
Angel: You just like stabbing me.
Spike: I'm shocked - shocked! - that you'd say that. I much prefer hitting you with blunt instruments.
--"Angel" (WB)



_____________________
Archduke Sebassis: The circle does not abide secrets.
Angel: Which is interesting for a secret society.
--"Angel" (WB)



_____________________
Lindsey: It's a secret society.
Gunn: Never heard of them.
Lindsey: That's because they're secret...
--"Angel" (WB)



_____________________
Lindsey: If you want me, I'm on your team.
Angel: I want you, Lindsey . . . I'm thinking about rephrasing that.
Lindsey: Yeah, I think I'd be more comfortable if you did.
--"Angel" (WB)



_____________________
Illyria: I will fight. I've been broken and humiliated. I will return in kind every blow, every sting. I will shred my adversaries. Pull their eyes out just enough to turn them towards their mewing, mutilated faces.
Wesley: You're a very inspirational person. Have I mentioned that?
--"Angel" (WB)



_____________________
Lilah: Mind if I join you?
Wesley: On many levels and with great intensity.
--"Angel" (WB)



_____________________
Lilah: Don't be thinking about me when I'm gone.
Wesley: I wasn't thinking about you when you were here...
--"Angel" (WB)



____________________
Cordelia: Well, how hard could she be to find...did she mention anything?
Angel: She said she was staying with a friend.
Cordelia: Well, that narrows it down to people with friends....Where do we keep that list?
--"Angel" (WB)



____________________
Fred: Looks like we've been following Angel's son's emissions the whole time.
Gunn: Now there is a sentence I don't ever need to hear again.
--"Angel" (WB)



_____________________
Angel: I don't even own a TV. He's gonna wanna watch TV. Not too much, I mean, after homework and chores. He's gonna need clothes, weekly allowance... What's good nowadays? Fifty cents, a dollar?
Cordy: Yeah. If you're Tom Sawyer painting the fence.
--"Angel" (WB)



_____________________
(As the demon horde approaches.)
Spike: In terms of a plan?
Angel: We fight.
Spike: Bit more specific?
Angel: Well, personally, I kind of want to slay the dragon. Let's go to work.
--"Angel" (WB)

___________________

Angel: If nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do...

--"Angel" (WB)

Arrested Development


__________________
Lucille Austero: Today at lunch, you were ashamed to be with me.
Gob: No. I was ashamed to be seen with you. I like being with you.
--"Arrested Development" (FOX)



__________________
Michael: Are you serious?
Wayne Jarvis: Almost always. I was once voted the worst audience participant Cirque Du Soleil ever had...
--"Arrested Development" (FOX)



__________________
Narrator: Michael was having brunch with Sally Sitwell at a restaurant called Skip Church's Bistro. In addition to brunch, the restaurant was known for an item on the menu called the "Skip's Scramble", an omelet that contained everything on the menu. Do not order the Skip's Scramble.
--"Arrested Development" (FOX)



___________________
Tobias Fünke: So what are your plans for this evening?
Bob Loblaw: I thought that maybe I would stay in and work on my law blog.
Tobias Fünke: Ah, yes. The "Bob Loblaw Law Blog". You, sir, are a mouthful....
--"Arrested Development" (FOX)

Batman



___________________
Robin: If we close our eyes, we can't see anything.
Batman: A sound observation, Robin...
--"Batman" (NBC)



___________________
Dick Grayson: What's so important about Chopin?
Bruce Wayne: All music is important, Dick. It's the universal language. One of our best hopes for the eventual realization of the brotherhood of man.
Dick Grayson: Gosh Bruce, yes, you're right. I'll practice harder from now on.
--"Batman" (NBC)



___________________
Robin: Gosh Batman, the nobility of the almost-human porpoise...
Batman: True, it was noble of that animal to hurl himself into the path of that final torpedo. He gave his life for ours...
--"Batman" (NBC)



___________________
Batman: Better put 5 cents in the meter.
Robin: No policeman's going to give the Batmobile a ticket.
Batman: This money goes to building better roads. We all must do our part.
--"Batman" (NBC)



_______________
Robin: You were right, Batman, we might have been killed.
Batman: Or worse...
--"Batman" (NBC)



__________________________
Robin: C'mon Batman, it's Christmas Eve, let's kick back and get into the spirit... it's the Joker... even scums spend the holidays with their families....
--"Batman" (NBC)



____________________________
Bruce: Most Americans don't realize what we owe to the ancient Incas. Very few appreciate they gave us the white potato and many varieties of Indian corn.
Dick: Now whenever I eat mashed potatoes, I for one will think of the Incas.
--"Batman" (NBC)

The Big Bang Theory


___________________
Leonard: [about Penny] Our babies will be smart and beautiful.
Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary...
--"The Big Bang Theory" (CBS)



_____________________
Leonard: I love cheesecake.
Sheldon: You're lactose intolerant.
Leonard: I don't eat it. I just think it's a good idea.
--"The Big Bang Theory" (CBS)



____________________
Penny: Well, I'm a Sagittarius which probably tells you way more than you need to know...
Sheldon: Yes. It tells us you believe in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.
--"The Big Bang Theory" (CBS)


______________________
Sheldon: I can't believe he fired me.
Leonard: Well, you did call him a glorified high school science teacher whose last successful experiment was lighting his own farts.
Sheldon: In my defense, I prefaced that with, "with all due respect".
--"The Big Bang Theory" (CBS)



_______________________
Penny: Leonard, I didn't know you played the cello.
Leonard: Yeah, my parents felt that naming me Leonard and putting me in advanced placement classes wasn't getting me beaten up enough....
--"The Big Bang Theory" (CBS)



______________________
Leonard: What's wrong?
Penny: Well, Howard and Christy are...kind of hooking up in my bedroom.
Leonard: Are you sure?
Penny: Look, I grew up on a farm. From what I heard, they're either having sex, or Howard's caught in a milking machine.
--"The Big Bang Theory" (CBS)



____________________
Penny: Do you have any idea what time it is?
Sheldon: Of course I do. My watch is linked to the atomic clock in Boulder, Colorado. It's accurate to one-tenth of a second. But as I'm saying this, it occurs to me that, once again, your question may have been rhetorical.
--"The Big Bang Theory" (CBS)



______________________
Sheldon: Anyway, the housekeeper in the faculty residence didn't speak any English. When I finally managed to convince her I was sick, she said, "Möchtest du eine Darmspülung?"
Penny: What does that mean?
Sheldon: Based on what happened next, I assume it means, "Would you like an enema?"
--"The Big Bang Theory" (CBS)

__________________

Sheldon: What's your favorite fruit?

Stephanie: Strawberries.
Sheldon: Not technically a fruit, but okay...

--"The Big Bang Theory" (CBS)

_______________________

Sheldon: I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble Telescope does of discovering at the center of every black hole is a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker.

--"The Big Bang Theory" (CBS)

Bones


__________________
Angela: Anger is only fear turned inwards...
--"Bones" (FOX)



__________________
Angela: I wouldn't bet a date with Colin Farrell on it.
Temperance: I know him. He's funny.
Angela: That's Will Ferrell, sweetie. Colin Farrell is hot...
--"Bones" (FOX)



__________________
Seeley: [gives Temperance a gun] This is only for self-defense...
Temperance: What part do I aim for?
Seeley: Any part that isn't me.
--"Bones" (FOX)



__________________
Zack: Sometime when you're not busy, I wonder if I could ask you a few questions about sexual positions?
Booth: If you even try, I will take out my gun and shoot you between the eyes...
--"Bones" (FOX)



_____________________
Pickering: Can you tell me what you were doing in Cuba?
Brennan: Only if you tell me first.
Pickering: I beg your pardon?
Brennan: I don't know your security clearance.
Pickering: Well what is your security clearance?
Brennan: You should check with the state department.
Pickering: I'm from the state department.
Brennan: Then that should make it easy for you.
--"Bones" (FOX)



______________
Booth: Bones, it’s after midnight. Hm? Christmas Eve Day. Both an eve and a day, it’s a Christmas miracle.
Brennan: Still enjoying your medication, I see.
--"Bones" (FOX)



______________
Booth: Voodoo.. [laughs] Who's gonna believe that stuff?
Brennan: It's a religion, no crazier than, well, what are you?
Booth: Catholic.
Brennan: They believe in the same saints you do. And prayer. What they call spells, you call miracles. They have priests.
Booth: We don't make zombies.
Brennan: Jesus rose from the dead after three days.
Booth: Jesus is not a zombie!
--"Bones" (FOX)



______________
Booth: A prodigy violinist dissapears and a month later his skull ends up bouncing off a garbage truck?
Cam: Obviously, we are looking for someone who really really hates classical music.
--"Bones" (FOX)



_______________
Brennan: Booth, who is a very honest person, says that at this time of year deception is necessary for the happiness of little children.
Booth: I'm being misquoted.
Sweets: Booth is absolutely right.
Booth: She got the jist.
Sweets: There is a fictional element to Christmas.
Brennan: You mean the whole birth of a savior rigamarole?
Booth: It is not rigamarole!
Sweets: No Dr. Brennan it's the feeling of Christmas. What people call the Christmas spirit. It's a kind of dream or hope we carry with us from childhood. But as adults...
Booth: Are you including you in that?
Sweets: As adults we're imbued by the pragmatic routines of daily life which make it difficult for us to regard anything with childlike wonder. But you know it's alright for us to try. We put on silly hats, drape trees in sparkly lights and wrap gifts in garish paper and that's good for us. It's not only alright to allow children the transient experience of innocence and joy, it's our responsibility.
--"Bones" (FOX)

Buffy The Vampire Slayer



_____________________
Riley: Oh, that might be toxic, don't touch it.
Xander: Oh yeah, touching it was my first impulse. Luckily I've moved on to my second, which involves dry-heaving and running like hell.
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Buffy: What if their problems are weird and tricky?
Xander: I think you underestimate your familiarity with the world of weird and tricky.
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Oz: Do you often steal weapons from the military base?
Willow: Well, we don't have cable, so we have to make our own fun..
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Anya: Oh, who ordered more chicken's feet? The ones we have aren't moving at all.
Xander: That's generally what happens when you cut them off the chicken.
Anya: Maybe we could do a holiday promotion -- one free with every purchase.
Giles: Oh, yes... dear holiday memories. Merry tykes by the fire enjoying their new Christmas... chicken feet.
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Spike: We're out of Corn Flakes again.
Giles: We are out of Corn Flakes because you ate them all. Again.
Spike: Get some more.
Giles: I thought vampires were supposed to eat blood.
Spike: Yeah, well, sometimes I like to crumble up the Corn Flakes in the blood. Gives it a little texture.
Giles: Since the picture you just painted means that I will never touch food of any kind again, you'll just have to pick it up yourself.
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Olivia: All the time you used to talk to me about witchcraft and darkness and the like - I just thought you were being pretentious.
Giles: Oh I was. I was also right.
Olivia: So everything you told me was true.
Giles: Well no, um, I wasn't actually one of the original members of Pink Floyd. But the monster stuff, yes...
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Spike: You know there are quite a few American beers that are highly underrated. This, unfortunately, is not one of them.
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Willow: We can come by between classes! Usually I use that time to copy over my class notes with a system of different colored pens...but it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know, insane.
Tara: I said 'quirky.'
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Buffy: Look, I realize that every Slayer comes with an expiration mark on the package. But, I want mine to be a long time from now. Like a Cheetoh...
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Willow: I'm not stealing. I'm just taking things without paying for them. In what twisted dictionary is that stealing?
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Willow: Well... When I'm with a boy I like it's hard for me to say anything cool, or witty, or at all... I can usually make a few vowel sounds. And then I have to go away...
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Buffy: It's weird, though. In his way, I feel like he's still watching me.
Willow: Well, in a way he sort of is... in the way of that he's right over there...
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Xander: Needs should definitely be met, as long as it doesn't require ointments the next day...
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Giles: Why should someone want to harm Cordelia?
Willow: Maybe because they met her? Did I say that?
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Buffy: I told one lie. I had one drink.
Giles: Yes, and you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words, "let that be a lesson" are a tad redundant at this juncture....
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



____________________
Spike: They have chicken wings, too. Also, a sort of a flower-shaped thing made from an onion. It's brilliant.....
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Anya: You know, you can laugh, but I have witnessed a millennium of treachery and oppression from the males of the species and I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them.
Xander: Then why are you talking to me?
Anya: I don't have a date for the prom.
Xander: Well gosh. I wonder why not. It couldn't possibly have anything to do with your sales pitch?
Anya: Men are evil. Will you go with me?
Xander: One of us is very confused, and I honestly don't know which....
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Jenny: Cordelia is going to meet us.
Xander: Ooh, gang, did you hear that? A bonus day of class, plus Cordelia! Mix in a little rectal surgery and it's my best day ever!
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Buffy: You're a vampire. Oh, I'm sorry, was that an offensive term? Should I say "undead American"?
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Cordelia: I'm just saying, when tragedy strikes we have to look on the bright side, y'know? Like how even used Mercedes still have leather seats...
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Xander: Duh! I mean, guys'll do anything to impress a girl. I once drank an entire gallon of Gatorade without taking a breath.
Willow: It was pretty impressive. Although later there was an ick factor.
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Giles: All right, I'll just jump in my time machine, go back to the twelfth century and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show.
Buffy: Okay, at this point you're abusing sarcasm...
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



________________
Natalie: Oh, Xander! I've done something really stupid. I hope you can forgive me.
Xander: Oh, forgiveness is my middle name! Well, actually it's LaVelle, and I'd appreciate it if you guard that secret with your life.
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Willow: You’re not invisible to Buffy.
Xander: It’s worse. I’m just a part of the scenery, like an old shoe or a rug that you walk on every day but don’t even really see.
Willow: Like a pen that’s all chewed up, and you know you should throw it away, but you don’t, not ‘cause you like it so much more ‘cause you’re used to it…
Xander: Well, yeah, that is the point. You don’t have to drive it through my head like a railroad spike.
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Principal Flutie: You burned down the gym.
Buffy: I did, I really did. But you're not seeing the big picture here. I mean, that gym was full of vampi ... asbestos.
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Buffy: Who are you?
Angel: Let's just say ... I'm a friend.
Buffy: Yeah, well, maybe I don't want a friend.
Angel: I didn't say I was yours...
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



________________
Xander: I'm still having trouble with the fact that one of us is just gonna gun everybody down for no reason.
Cordelia: Yeah, because that never happens in American high schools.
Oz: It's bordering on trendy at this point.
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



________________
Xander: Looks like a job for Wiccan girl. What do you say, Will? Big time danger.
Willow: Hey, I eat danger for breakfast.
Xander: But oddly enough, she panics in the face of breakfast foods.
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



________________
Anya: Look, I know you find me attractive. I've seen you looking at my breasts.
Xander: Nothing personal, but when a guy does that it just means his eyes are open.
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



________________
Buffy: It's too bad Giles couldn't be librarian here. Be convenient.
Willow: Well, he says he's enjoying being a gentleman of leisure.
Buffy: Gentleman of leisure? Isn't that just British for unemployed?
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_____________________
Giles: Let's not jump to any conclusions.
Buffy: I didn't jump. I took one tiny step, and there conclusions were.
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)



_______________
Riley: These spells, these really work? I mean, can you really "turn your enemies inside out"? Or "learn to excrete gold coins"?
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)

____________________
Xander: Ooh, Sunnydale bus depot. Classy. What better way to introduce someone to our country than with the stench of urine....
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)

Castle

____________________

Castle: It’s a fact of life. People leave us. Unless you chain them to a radiator, which for some reason is illegal...

--"Castle" (ABC)

____________________

Beckett: Why is it so important to you that I believe all this stuff about fates and psychics and Santa Claus?
Castle: Because if you don't believe in even the possibility of magic, you'll never ever find it...

--"Castle" (ABC)

____________________

(Talking about Castle's "Smorelet")
Castle: Aha. I knew you'd reconsider. It's kind of like David Hasselhoff. First you're repulsed, but then, strangely, you're drawn in.
Alexis: No. Still repulsed...

--"Castle" (ABC)

Caroline in the City


____________________
Joe: What are you working on?
Richard: Not throwing you out the window.
Joe: How's it going?
Richard: Not so good.
--"Caroline in the City" (NBC)



____________________
Annie: Richard can't drive.
Richard: This is true, but if you lay down in the street, I'll give it a try.
--"Caroline in the City" (NBC)



____________________
Caroline: And for my next trick, I'm going to make my boyfriend disappear. I say the magic word: Opera.
--"Caroline in the City" (NBC)

Cheers


_________________
Rebecca: You know, I really think I can put together a great Thanksgiving dinner. This'll be the second one that I've cooked, and believe me, the first one was not the disaster that my family said it was. Those kids had a pretty good time in that ambulance...
--“Cheers” (NBC)



_____________________
Sam: What's new, Normie?
Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're demanding beer.
--“Cheers” (NBC)



_____________________
Sam: Woody, could you add up these receipts?
(Woody feels through the receipts)
Woody: There's eight of them, Sam.
--“Cheers” (NBC)



________________
Carla: If the Brady Bunch crashes in the Andes who would they eat first?
Woody: Well probably the maid, 'cause she's not kin..
Cliff: Yeah, but if they were smart they would ask her the best way to prepare herself.
--“Cheers” (NBC)



_______________
Sam: What'll you have Normie?
Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.
Sam: Looks like beer, Norm.
Norm: Call me Mister Lucky....
--“Cheers” (NBC)



_______________
Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: The question is what's going 'in' Mr. Peterson. A beer please, Woody...
--“Cheers” (NBC)



_______________
(making a toast)
Cliff: As they say down at the post office, "here's looking up your address"...
--"Cheers" (NBC)



_____________________
Carla: You know Diane, you shouldn't be investing in a tanning salon, you ought to be using one. You've got skin the color of Elmer's glue....
--"Cheers" (NBC)



____________________
Woody: How's it going Mr. Peterson?
Norm: It's a dog eat dog world Woody and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear....
--"Cheers" (NBC)



____________________
Lilith: Well, I'm off. I don't know what the future holds. Whatever happens, I only hope I can realize my full potential. To acquire things the old Lilith never had.
Carla: Like a body temperature?
Lilith: That's very good, Carla. Incidentally, I've taken your little wisecracks for a few years now, you hideous gargoyle, and if you ever open that gateway to hell you call a mouth in my direction again, I'll snap off your extremities like dead branches and feed them to you at gunpoint.
--"Cheers" (NBC)

Cupid



_____________________
Claire: A number of people have benefited from my advice, you know.
Trevor: A number of people eat other people, it doesn't mean it's right for everyone.
--"Cupid" (ABC)



_____________________
Claire: Mount Olympus, tell me about it…
Trevor: Nonstop clothing-optional party, everyone's beautiful, drinking wine, chasing nymphs… an amazing place, you have NO idea.
Claire: I saw "Boogie Nights," okay?
--"Cupid" (ABC)



____________________
Trevor: You busy?
Claire: No, no, I was just sitting here doing nothing, hoping someone would burst through my door without knocking...
--"Cupid" (ABC)



___________________
Trevor: Coffee without caffeine is like sex without the spanking....
--"Cupid" (ABC)



____________________________
Champ: You know, I hope you don't take this in the wrong way...
because I have nothing but love for the mentally ill... I wouldn't give a damn if you thought you were the Ayatollah Kohmeni if you picked up after yourself, paid your rent on time, and got me my messages. But no, that's not the case... and this was strike three. So as soon as you can find another place, you're out...
Trevor: The Ayatollah would suck as a roommate... just so you know...
--"Cupid" (ABC)

Curb Your Enthusiasm



_______________
Richard Lewis: Can't we have lunch or something and discuss this?
Larry: I can't.
Richard: Why not?
Larry: I've been auctioned off for some charity.
Richard: What is this, "Roots"?
--"Curb Your Enthusiasm" (HBO)



_______________
Larry: Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm deaf and I try to imagine what it's like not to be able to hear them. It's not that bad.
--"Curb Your Enthusiasm" (HBO)



_______________
Richard: You're looking at my girlfriend's breasts!
Larry: First of all, Richard, they're not breasts. They're not breasts, they're just big chemical balls...
--"Curb Your Enthusiasm" (HBO)

CSI


_____________________
Sara: What's that smell?
Nick: I'm nuking a burrito.
Sara: Mmm. Junk food and radiation. Good combo.
--“CSI: Crime Scene Investigation” (CBS)



_____________________
Catherine: Now tell me, why are we here?
Gil: Because this is the only place within 10 miles of Caulville Bay that serves Calamari.
Catherine: And you know this because...?
Gil: I come here for calamari.
Catherine: Alone?
Gil: No. Sometimes I have a beer with it...
--“CSI: Crime Scene Investigation” (CBS)



____________________
Sara Sidle: What do you think caused these marks?
Hodges: Give me more time. I'm not a miracle worker.
Sara Sidle: Well, that's obvious, Hodges. If you were a miracle worker, you wouldn't be rude.
--“CSI: Crime Scene Investigation” (CBS)



____________________
Warrick Brown: Who brings a gun to a knife fight?
Gil Grissom: The winner?
--“CSI: Crime Scene Investigation” (CBS)



_________________
Gil: If you chase two rabbits, you lose them both....
--“CSI: Crime Scene Investigation” (CBS)

CSI: Miami


______________
Horatio Caine: Alright, be on the lookout for an Eastern European male with bad teeth who may have access to an ape.
--"CSI: Miami" (CBS)



______________
Horatio Caine: Why didn't you tell us this earlier?
Suspect: I didn't think it'd look too good.
Horatio Caine: Well, it doesn't look too good right now.
--"CSI: Miami" (CBS)

Daily Show with Jon Stewart


__________________
Rob Coddry: See, if a pharmaceutical company advertises a prescription drug but doesn't say what it does, the FDA doesn't make them list the side effects. That's why the TV spots for the drugs I just mentioned don't give the foggiest indication for what those pills do other than that they seem to help old people ride tandem bicycles...
--"The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" (Comedy Central)



___________________
Jon Stewart: Samantha, could you describe what caused the blackout?
Samantha: Well, Jon, at about two in the afternoon, a power station overloaded at the Lake Erie Loop. The power grid failed. Jon?
Jon Stewart: Is that all?
Samantha: Pretty much.
Jon Stewart: Do you even know how the power is distributed?
Samantha Bee: Evenly?
--"The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" (Comedy Central)



______________________
Jon Stewart: Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake...
--"The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" (Comedy Central)

________________________
Larry: Disney's making a movie starring a black princess. And we only had to get through a Native American princess, an Arab princess, a Chinese princess, even a half-fish princess. Not to mention the countless cats, dogs, mice, elephants, talking cars, and whatever the hell Stitch was..
--"The Daily Show" (Comedy Central)

Deal or No Deal



_____________________
Howie Mandel: Before we decide, we will give you some help, so we brought out some close relatives, tell us who they are.
Contestant: Well, that is my sister, that is my mom, and this is my husband.
Howie Mandel: And they all have the last name Vann, right? So they are the "Minivans"...?
--"Deal or No Deal" (NBC)

Desperate Housewives


_____________
Mary Alice: There's a reason people can't wait for Christmas, and it has little to do with family reunions or curling up with a cup of eggnog or that unexpected kiss beneath the mistletoe or receiving a present from that special someone. No, people look forward to Christmas because they know it's a time for miracles...
--"Desperate Housewives" (ABC)


_____________
Lynette: Yep. Go ahead, say it. I know you want to.
Tom: This is all your fault. You should've listened to me.
Lynette: I know. But be fair. There is no way I could've anticipated this.
Tom: You tell people Frankenstein's on the loose, then you're surprised to see the torch-wielding villagers?
--"Desperate Housewives" (ABC)


_____________
Susan: Is Edie getting you a good lawyer?
Mike: I doubt it. She dumped me today.
Susan: What? Why?
Mike: Well, I was arrested for murder.
Susan: Still. It's tacky...
--"Desperate Housewives" (ABC)

Doctor Who


____________________
The Doctor: Listen, there are no measurements in infinity. You humans have got such limited little minds. I don't know why I like you so much...
Sarah: Because you have such good taste.
The Doctor: That's true. That's very true.
--"Doctor Who" (BBC)



_____________
Doctor: That's right, yes, you're going. Gone for ages. Already gone. Still here. Just arrived. Haven't even met you. It all depends on who you are and how you look at it... Strange business, Time.....
--"Doctor Who" (BBC)



_____________________
Fitzwilliam: He is said to be the best swordsman in France.
The Doctor: Well, fortunately, we are in England.
--"Doctor Who" (BBC)



____________________
Brigadier: Believe me, Doctor, the place is impregnable.
The Doctor: Never cared much for the word ‘impregnable’. Sounds a bit too much like ‘unsinkable’.
Brigadier: What’s wrong with ‘unsinkable’?
The Doctor: Nothing, as the Iceberg said to the Titanic…
--"Doctor Who" (BBC)



__________________
Doctor: The TARDIS, when working properly, is capable of many amazing things. Not unlike myself....
--"Doctor Who" (BBC)



___________________
Sara: So far, so good...
Doctor: ...said the man as he fell from the skyscraper...
--"Doctor Who" (BBC)



____________________________
Doctor: You know, the very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common: they don't alter their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views, which can be uncomfortable, if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering....
--"Doctor Who" (BBC)



____________________________
Doctor: One solid hope is worth a cartload of certainties..
--"Doctor Who" (BBC)



____________________
Doctor : A straight line may be the shortest distance between two points, but it is by no means the most interesting....
--"Doctor Who" (BBC)

The Drew Carey Show

______________________
Drew: If frogs could fly... well, we'd still be in this mess, but wouldn't it be neat?
--"The Drew Carey Show" (ABC)



______________________
Kate: Oh, my God! How could you lie on the Bible?
Lewis: Well, it's simple. I'm a single, 41 year-old janitor. What's God gonna do? Take that away from me?
--"The Drew Carey Show" (ABC)



______________________
Drew: Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar...
--"The Drew Carey Show" (ABC)



______________________
Kate: Drew, there's a fine line between a hobby and psychosis. And even if there wasn't, this wouldn't be a hobby....
--"The Drew Carey Show" (ABC)



_______________
Mimi: You know, kids, Drew's head is just like a piñata. If you hit his head enough times when he's sleeping, candy comes out...
--"The Drew Carey Show" (ABC)

Ed


____________________________
Ed: I was wondering, how much power does the prom queen actually wield? Could you have like, say, bombed Belgium?
--“Ed” (NBC)



_________________
Judge: Mr. Stevens, where's your attorney?
Ed: Actually, Your Honor, I'm representing myself in this matter.
Judge: Haven't you heard the saying, "He who represents himself has a fool for a client?"
Ed:Yes sir, I have, and I tried my best to convince me not to hire me to represent myself, but I simply refused to listen to me.
--“Ed” (NBC)



_________________
Mike: Who would win in a fight: a big, strong guy or an invisible fat guy?
--“Ed” (NBC)

Entourage


____________________
Vince: Johnny Depp's got the kinda career I want.
Eric: Johhny Depp did "Pirates of the Caribbean". And if I'm not mistaken, he wore a swashbuckling costume and carried a sword.
Turtle: Yeah, but he already dresses like that in real life, though.
--"Entourage" (HBO)


____________________
Turtle: Vince, I want this guy’s job. He’s sitting on easy street.
Eric: Oh Turtle, please. You’re like a three time lotto winner....
--"Entourage" (HBO)


_____________________
Drama: I had an Italian sports car in ninety four, they’re a delight.
Turtle: You had a Fiat, Drama...
Drama: Italian nonetheless...
--"Entourage" (HBO)


_____________________
Drama: It’s kind of emasculating having your kid brother pay for your head shots.
Eric: Oh... and what having him pay for the rest of your life is empowering?
--"Entourage" (HBO)



____________________________
Ari Gold: You know what they feed people on an Indy set, Vinne? Nothing! They don't give you a trailer. They tell you to go sit on an apple box. Ever try to bang an extra on an apple box?
Eric: Well, if anybody could do it, Vince could.
Vince: I do have great balance...
--"Entourage" (HBO)

E.R.


_________________
Abby: In what possible universe would I say "Let's polka?"
--E.R. (NBC)


_________________
Greene: Mr. Kennie can go home, there's no known cure for being a pain in the ass...
--E.R. (NBC)

Felicity


_____________________
Javier: They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." But that's like saying, "Butter knives don't spread butter on bread, people spread butter on bread." Of course, that's true, but that doesn't make it a smart thing to say...
--"Felicity" (WB)


_____________________
Ben: You know what? Not everybody's like you. All right? Crazy, sensitive, and always judging everybody.
Felicity: I don't always judge everybody, I always judge you...
--"Felicity" (WB)

____________________
Felicity: [Holding a pair of panties] Hey... um... are -- are these yours?
Meghan: Yeah.
Felicity: They were in my refrigerator.
Meghan: Oh, I know. I haven't done that since I was a kid. It feels so good, cold underwear in the morning.
Felicity: Hey, could you do me a favor and, uh, not put your underwear in my fridge?
Meghan: Well, they're not dirty.
Felicity: And also, where's my apple?
Meghan: I ate it. I thought we had an agreement, give and take.
Felicity: You thought we had an agreement? We don't have an agreement on anything. We've never even had a real conversation before!
Meghan: I replaced your stupid apple.
Felicity: With a tub of "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter"?
Meghan: It tastes so much like butter.
--"Felicity" (WB)

Firefly


__________________
Dr. Simon Tam; I swear, when it's appropriate.
Kaylee Frye; Simon, the whole point of swearing is that it ain't appropriate.
--"Firefly" (FOX)


__________________
Hoban: This sounds like something from Science Fiction.
Zoë: Honey, we live in a space ship....
--"Firefly" (FOX)


__________________
Zoë: I know somethin' ain't right.
Hoban: Sweetie, we're crooks. If everything were right we'd be in jail...
--"Firefly" (FOX)


__________________
Lawrence: All right, I can see you're not an idiot.
Jayne: Well, I wish I could say the same, Lawrence...
--"Firefly" (FOX)

____________________

Mal: We have done the impossible, and that makes us mighty...

--"Firefly" (FOX)

______________________
Jayne: [over radio] Testing. Testing, Cap'n, can you hear me?

Mal: I'm standing right here.

Jayne: You're coming through good and loud.

Mal: 'Cause I'm standing right here...

--"Firefly" (FOX)

______________________
Alliance Commander: Seems odd you'd name your ship after a battle you were on the wrong side of...
Mal: May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one...

--"Firefly" (FOX)

______________________
Kaylee: Well, we're headed for help... right?
Zoe: Captain will come up with a plan.
Kaylee: That's good. Right?
Zoe: Possibly you're not recalling some of his previous plans....

--"Firefly" (FOX)

Flight of the Conchords


____________________
Bret: After 6 or 7 weeks, girls find me boring. But I’m not sure what happens because I think that’s how long it takes to get to know someone....
--"Flight of the Conchords" (HBO)



____________________
Jemaine: Why would I stand next to big magnets, Murray?
Murray: I don't know what you do in your personal life...
--"Flight of the Conchords" (HBO)



____________________
Murray: Lots of New Zealanders come over here and they come into my office and I give them the vest, a map, and I tell them to stay clear of crowds by going through back alleys. And yet almost every day a New Zealander is mugged.
--"Flight of the Conchords" (HBO)


____________________
Jemaine: Man, back in New Zealand I was getting it on with lots of chicks.
Bret: Who?
Jemaine: Well, ah, Sarah Fitzpatrick, Michelle Fitzpatrick, Claire Fitzpatrick... the list goes on.
Bret: That was all of them.
Jemaine: Well, triple figures.
Bret: No that's not triple figures. That's three...
--"Flight of the Conchords" (HBO)


_________________
Jemaine: (To thugs) You better be careful. Bret knows karate.
Bret: Yeah, I've got a book on karate... haven't actually read it yet.
--"Flight of the Conchords" (HBO)


_________________
Jermaine: You're so pretty, like a tree or a high-class prostitute.
--"Flight of the Conchords" (HBO)

Frasier


_____________________
Niles: Well, this has been kind of fun, but I must really run. I'm conducting a seminar for multiple personality disorders and it takes me forever to fill out the name tags...
--"Frasier" (NBC)


_____________________
Frasier: Niles, I would shave my head for you.
Niles: A gesture which becomes less significant with each passing year.
--"Frasier" (NBC)


_____________________
Niles: Those were awful, those family driving vacations. Dad insisting on covering as many miles as possible in a day; the two of us, tiny hostages in the back seat, clutching our car sickness bags, straining to see something out of the window as the landscape whizzed by. I was 13 before I realized cows aren't blurry....
--"Frasier" (NBC)


__________________
Martin: This is Eddie. We like to call him 'Eddie Spaghetti'...
Daphne: Why, does he like pasta?
Martin: No, he's got worms...
--"Frasier" (NBC)


__________________
Frasier: I hate lawyers.
Niles: Oh, me too, but they make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insurance, and they never get better.
--"Frasier" (NBC)


__________________
Marie: Am I crazy or are you breaking up with me?
Frasier: They're not completely unrelated.
--"Frasier" (NBC)


__________________
Frasier: You know Daphne, it's going to be quite a hoot this weekend. You sure you don't want to join us?
Daphne: Gutting fish, watching home movies and hosing down your father's pants. It does sound tempting...
--"Frasier" (NBC)


__________________
Frasier: Niles, before you do something rash, you should consider it from all angles.
Niles: I've spent three years considering Daphne from all angles...
--"Frasier" (NBC)



________________
Frasier: Oh, joy, Christmas Eve. By this time tomorrow, millions of Americans, knee-deep in tinsel and wrapping paper will utter those heartfelt words, 'Is this all I got?'
--"Frasier" (NBC)



_____________________
Frasier: There's an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the Tunneling Electron Microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building block of our universe. If I were using that microscope right now....I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem.
--"Frasier" (NBC)

Friends


_____________________
Joey: You don't own a TV? What's all your furniture pointed at?
--"Friends" (NBC)


_____________________
Rachel: Guess what, GUESS WHAT?!
Chandler: The fifth dentist finally caved and now they ALL recommend Trident?
--"Friends" (NBC)

_____________________
Chandler: Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream.
Ross: Ah, the lesser known "I Don't Have a Dream" speech...
--"Friends" (NBC)


____________________
Monica: Chandler, here you go, got your traditional Thanksgiving feast, you got your tomato soup, your grilled cheese fixin's, and your family size bag of Funyuns...
Rachel: Wait, wait, Chandler, this is what you're having for Thanksgiving dinner? What, what, what is it with you and this holiday?
Chandler: All right, I'm nine years old... we just finished this magnificent Thanksgiving dinner. I have--and I remember this part vividly--a mouthful of pumpkin pie, and this is the moment my parents choose to tell me they're getting divorced.
Rachel: Oh my god.
Chandler: Yes. It's very difficult to appreciate a Thanksgiving dinner once you've seen it in reverse.
--"Friends" (NBC)


_____________________
Joey: Want some jam?
Chandler: No thanks, I just had a jar of mustard....
--"Friends" (NBC)


_____________________
Joey: It's a moo point.
Rachel: What?
Joey: You know, it's like a cow's opinion. It doesn't matter. It's moo.
Rachel: Have I been living with him too long or did that just all make sense?
--"Friends" (NBC)



_____________________
Ross: You never read Lord of the Rings in high school?
Joey: No, I had sex in high school.
--"Friends" (NBC)


_____________________
Phoebe: If you want to receive e-mails about my upcoming shows, then please give me money so I can buy a computer....
--"Friends" (NBC)



_____________________
Ross: What are you doing?
Chandler: Making chocolate milk. You want some?
Ross: No thanks, I'm 29.
--"Friends" (NBC)


_____________________
Joey: What the hell does a paleontologist need a beeper for?
Monica: Is it like for dinosaur emergencies? "Help, come quick, they're still extinct!"
--"Friends" (NBC)



___________________
Joey: You can't have Thanksgiving without turkey. That's like Fourth of July without apple pie, or Friday with no two pizzas....
--"Friends" (NBC)


___________________
Ross: What is with everyone today? It's Thanksgiving not Truth Day!
--"Friends" (NBC)



___________________
Rachel: So are things between you and Joey getting any better?
Chandler: It couldn't get any worse. Last night, I spent eight hours calling him, trying to get him to talk to me.
Rachel: Oh, wow. Eight hours. So you could probably really use one of those plug-in telephone headsets, huh?
Ross: Should we all expect Christmas gifts that can be stolen from your office?
--"Friends" (NBC)


_____________________
Rachel: You are having a party tonight?
Joey: I am kind of having a thing for the Days of Our Lives people.
Rachel: And you weren't gonna tell us? How did you think you were gonna get away with that?
Joey: I do it every year.
Rachel: You do it every year?
Joey: I didn't have to tell you that!
Rachel: That's why you got us tickets to that play! To get rid of us!
Joey: Yeah...
Rachel: And last year, is that why you sent us to that Medieval times restaurant?
Joey: Yeah...
Rachel: And the year before that, when you set up that nightime tour of that button factory!
Joey: I can't believe you guys went for that one!
--"Friends" (NBC)

From the Earth to the Moon


_____________________
NASA Flight Director Chris Kraft: Rendezvous: two spacecraft meeting up in orbit. Want to have fun? Come over to my house. You stand in the back yard, I'll stand in the front, you throw a tennis ball over my roof and I'll try to hit it with a rock as it comes sailing over. That's what we're going to have to do...
--"From the Earth to the Moon" (HBO)


_____________________
(about the Lunar Module)
Astronaut James McDivitt: It's a beautiful machine, Tom!
Tom Kelly: It is, isn't it?
Rusty Schweikart: You really think that thing is beautiful?
McDivitt: God no, it looks like a toaster oven with legs, but I'm not gonna tell him that...
--"From the Earth to the Moon" (HBO)


_____________________
(Briefing the simulator room technicians during Apollo 11 training)
Honeycutt: For the next three months you and I will do everything in our power to see that these men are able to land safely, which means that for the next three months we must do everything in our power to kill them...
--"From the Earth to the Moon" (HBO)

Gilmore Girls


__________________
Lane: The very concept of childbirth is vaguely disturbing.
Rory: Yeah. Kids are cool and all, but getting there seems like a big cosmic joke.
Lane: Definitely thought up by a man...
--"Gilmore Girls" (WB)



__________________
Lorelai: So, apparently, I'm now the Reigning Lorelai.
Rory: Huh. I guess you are.
Lorelai: It's a lot of responsibility.
Rory: Well, sure.
Lorelai: I mean, it's mostly ceremonial stuff nowadays. Declaring knighthoods, opening supermarkets. But now and then, you get to banish someone or pose for a stamp.
--"Gilmore Girls" (WB)



__________________
Logan: Rory, you're special.
Rory: Like "stop-eating-the-paste" special?
--"Gilmore Girls" (WB)



_________________
Sookie: Okay, here we go. Low fat, whole wheat blueberry pancakes.
Michel: Are there 12?
Sookie: 12 what?
Michel: Blueberries. I can only have 12 blueberries for breakfast.
Sookie: Or what?
Michel: What do you mean, or what?
Sookie: What happens if you eat 13 blueberries?
Michel: This is a silly conversation.
Sookie: Would you die?
Michel: Just hand me the plate.
--"Gilmore Girls" (WB)



______________
Sookie: I will give it a 9.
Lorelai: 9.5
Sookie: What will make it a 10?
Lorelai: Another half point...
--"Gilmore Girls" (WB)



_____________
Lorelai: Michel - the phone!
Michel: Yes. It rings.
Lorelai: Can you answer it?
Michel: No. People are particularly stupid today. I can't talk to any more of them...
--"Gilmore Girls" (WB)



_____________
Lorelai: This is it. She can finally go to Harvard like she's always wanted and get the education that I never got and get to do all the things that I never got to do and then I can resent her for it and we can finally have a normal mother-daughter relationship...
--"Gilmore Girls" (WB)



_____________
Rory: I can't be late on my first day of school. Do you know what happens to people when they're late on their first day?
Lorelai: It's shorter?
--"Gilmore Girls" (WB)



___________________
Lorelai: Hey, I should bring steak sauce, right?
Rory: For what?
Lorelai: Pizza.
Rory: I just got back from Italy.
Lorelai: So?
Rory: So they'd shoot you in Italy for that.
Lorelai: But this is America, where we unapologetically bastardize other countries' cultures in a gross quest for moral and military supremacy...
Rory: I forgot. Bring on the imperialistic condiments.
--"Gilmore Girls" (WB)



____________________
Marty: Okay. I actually snagged us some caviar. They were all out of toast points, but I think we can use Doritos and achieve a very similar result...
--"Gilmore Girls" (WB)

Golden Girls

______________________
Sophia: I hate Jell-O. If God wanted peaches suspended in midair, He would have filled them with helium.....
--"The Golden Girls" (NBC)

Good Eats


_____________________
Alton Brown: Now, wet stuff does not like sticking to other wet ...stuff. It's one of those universal axioms that keeps the galaxy from ripping itself to shreds and dissolving into the void.
Marsha Brown: That's funny. I could have sworn that was gravity.
Alton: That's one of them, too.
--"Good Eats" (Food Network)


_____________________
Alton Brown: All of life's big problems include the words "indictment" or "inoperable." Everything else is small stuff.
--"Good Eats" (Food Network)


_____________________
Alton Brown: So on one hand, honey is an amazingly sophisticated and efficient food source. On the other hand it's bee backwash...
--"Good Eats" (Food Network)


_____________________
Last year, I made a refrigerator in my basement. And I needed to because I needed to figure how; you know there is no such thing as "cold." There is only less heat...
--"Good Eats" (Food Network)


_____________________
Alton Brown: Slicing a warm slab of bacon is a lot like giving a ferret a shave. No matter how careful you are, somebody's going to get hurt.
--"Good Eats" (Food Network)


______________________
Alton Brown: Now, medium starch potatoes do look kind of like Russets but they always have a lighter kind of thinner skin. Now, varieties like this Yukon Gold, Kennebecs, Superiors or, say, these California Longs are for some reason always marketed as white. Racism. It's ugly. Even in tubers.
--"Good Eats" (Food Network)

Grey's Anatomy


____________________
Meredith: Intimacy is a four syllable word for, "Here's my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy." It's both desired, and feared…
--“Grey’s Anatomy” (ABC)


_______________
Meredith: At the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. Some things you say cause there's no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves....
--"Grey's Anatomy" (ABC)



___________________
Meredith: At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them.
--"Grey's Anatomy" (ABC)



___________________
George: This shift is a marathon, not a sprint. Eat.
Izzie: I can't.
George: You should eat something.
Izzie: You try eating after performing 17 rectal exams.
--"Grey's Anatomy" (ABC)


______________
Meredith: A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say.... Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying...
--"Grey's Anatomy" (ABC)



_______________
Cristina: You could scatter her off the roof.
Meredith: She was afraid of heights.
Cristina: The ashes Meredith. The ashes aren’t acrophobic.
--"Grey's Anatomy" (ABC)



_______________
Derek: You're like the worst, most juvenile human being I've ever met in my life.
Mark: You know the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem?
Derek: How many nurses have you slept with this week?
Mark: That's not a problem, man. That’s an adventure!
--"Grey's Anatomy" (ABC)


__________________________
Isobel: I'm knitting a sweater. Actually Meredith, that's my friend - the friend that broke George - is knitting a sweater. She's not really knitting a sweater because she can not knit but I want her to think she is knitting a sweater because she and I took a celibacy vow so she's replacing sex with knitting and so I'm knitting pieces of Meredith's sweater so that I can switch them out with hers so that she can really believe she's knitting because if anybody needs to be celibate, it's Meredith because she broke George.
--"Grey's Anatomy" (ABC)


__________________________
Meredith: At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.
--"Grey's Anatomy" (ABC)


__________________________
Meredith: I've heard that it's possible to grow up - I've just never met anyone who's actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don't go our way, we whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark, we look for comfort where we can find it, and we hope - against all logic, against all experience. Like children, we never give up hope...
--"Grey's Anatomy" (ABC)

House


______________________
Dr. Cuddy: You put him on the medication Lupra?
House: Uh-huh.
Dr. Cuddy: And you told him it was like milk?
House: Yes.
Dr. Cuddy: Is there any way in which that is not a lie?
House: …It's creamy?
--“House” (FOX)


___________________
Dr. Foreman: He probably just moved. Nobody stays perfectly still for their MRI...
House: Yeah, he probably got restless and shifted one hemisphere of his brain to a more comfortable position.
--“House” (FOX)



______________________
Rachel Adler: I just want to die with a little dignity.
House: There's no such thing! Our bodies break down, sometimes when we're 90, sometimes before we're even born, but it always happens and there's never any dignity in it! I don't care if you can walk, see, wipe your own ass... it's always ugly, always! You can live with dignity; you can't die with it....
--“House” (FOX)

______________________
House: You told me you hadn't changed your diet or exercise. Were you lying?
Samantha: Lying?
House: Does your husband have high blood pressure?
Samantha: My husband?
House: Yeah, see, if you're going to repeat everything I say, this conversation's going to take twice as long.
--“House” (FOX)


______________________
House: Fine, I'll never do it again.
Dr. Foreman: Yes you will!
House: All the more reason this discussion is pointless.
--“House” (FOX)


______________________
Dr. Wilson: Did your pager really go off, or are you ditching the conversation?
House: Why can't both be true?
--“House” (FOX)


______________________
Bill: Joey is not gay.
House: Maybe not gay, but certainly delightful.
--“House” (FOX)


____________________
Stacy: God, you are such an idiot.
House: Actually, I thought I was more of a jerk....
--“House” (FOX)


______________________
House: Is this an intervention? You're a little late, since I'm not using drugs anymore. I am, however, still hooked on phonics....
--“House” (FOX)



___________________
Dr. Wilson: So your philosophy is, if they don't want treatment they get it shoved down their throat, but if it might cure their paralysis, Whoa, you'd better slow down.
House: Yeah, My old philosophy used to be ‘Live and Let Live', but I'm taking this needlepoint class and they gave us these really big pillows.
Dr. Wilson: What's your philosophy on employee relations?
House: That's a very tiny pillow.
--“House” (FOX)



________________
House: 'Cause they're useless. Could probably scan every one of us and find five different doodads that look like cancer. But, when you're 4th-down, 100 to go, in the snow, you don't call a running play up the middle. Unless you're the Jets...
--“House” (FOX)

_______________________
Chris: You're reading a comic book.
House: And you're calling attention to your bosom by wearing a low-cut top. Oh, I'm sorry – I thought we were having a ‘state the obvious' contest. I'm competitive by nature....
--“House” (FOX)

Heroes



___________________
Hiro: My only concern is should I hide my true identity? A costume maybe?
Ando: You start talking about capes and tights and I'm out of here.
--"Heroes" (NBC)

How I Met Your Mother


____________________
Robin: Bras suck. They're so confining and unnatural.
Lily: Yeah, they're like a boobie zoo....
--"How I Met Your Mother" (CBS)



____________________
Robin: Okay, I've missed you. Not in a "we're gonna make out" way, not even in an "I forgive you" way. Just in an "I've missed you" way.
Ted: I'll take what I can get.
--"How I Met Your Mother" (CBS)



_____________________
Barney: Dude, lots of chicks think that architects are hot. Think about that, you create something out of nothing. You're like God. There is no one hotter than God.
Ted: I love it when you quote scripture...
--"How I Met Your Mother" (CBS)



_____________
Barney: Architects are hot, how do you think Mr. Brady scored a girl like Carol?
--"How I Met Your Mother" (CBS)


___________________
Marshall: Just a Burger? Robin, it's so much more than "just a burger." I mean... that first bite - oh, what heaven that first bite is. The bun, like a sesame freckled breast of an angel, resting gently on the ketchup and mustard below, flavors mingling in a seductive pas de deux. And then... a pickle! The most playful little pickle! Then a slice of tomato, a leaf of lettuce and a... a patty of ground beef so exquisite, swirling in your mouth, breaking apart, and combining again in a fugue of sweets and savor so delightful. This is no mere sandwich of grilled meat and toasted bread, Robin. This is God, speaking to us in food...
--"How I Met Your Mother" (CBS)

The Incredible Hulk


_____________________
Dr. Caroline Fields: It's a shame Dr. Banner died in that lab fire. His work on recombinant DNA was brilliant.
Dr. David Banner: (pause) Thank you.
Dr. Fields: (pause) David Banner died three years ago....
Dr. Banner: ...no....
Dr. Fields: But why?
Dr. Banner: Have you ever read any Robert Louis Stevenson?
Dr. Fields: "Treasure Island"?
Dr. Banner: "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde."
--"The Incredible Hulk" (CBS)



______________
David Banner: Mr. McGee, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry...
--"The Incredible Hulk" (CBS)

JAG

__________________
Bearer: How did you sabotage it?
Harm: With a Navy issue, thirty-four inch, brass tip cinch.
Bearer: What the hell is that?
Harm: My belt.
--"JAG" (CBS)



__________________
Harm: Sorry we're late, sir. We were misdirected.
Reed: Is that a pilot's way of saying lost, Lieutenant?
Harm: Pilots don't get lost, Mr. Reed. They’re momentarily disoriented.
--"JAG" (CBS)

Jimmy Kimmel Live


__________________
Jimmy Kimmel: He sat down for a one-on-one with Fox News. Very bold choice… Dick Cheney sitting down with Fox News is like Mrs. Butterworth sitting down with the Pancake Channel…
--“Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC)


__________________
Jimmy: Congratulations to Charlie Sheen, who's marrying his longtime girlfriend. I have to say... Charlie Sheen has a longtime girlfriend?
--“Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC)


__________________
Jimmy: Former baseball star Jose Canseco has a new book out. It’s a tell-all autobiography in which he claims he injected his former teammate, superstar Mark McGwire, with steroids. He also claims that President Bush, who was then a co-owner of the Texas Rangers, was aware of steroid use among players. A White House spokesperson says Bush was not aware of it, nor was he aware of most anything during the early '90s. Mark McGwire vehemently denies the accusation – he got so angry when he heard about it, he picked up his house and threw it onto the freeway.
--“Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC)

Just Shoot Me

_____________________
Donnie: Fresh breath is an oral handshake.
--"Just Shoot Me" (NBC)

Late Night with Conan O'Brien


___________
Conan: You shot the Easter Bunny!
Will Ferrell: He made a menacing gesture at me!
Conan: I think he was trying to give you an egg!
Will Ferrell: Why is the Easter Bunny even here, Conan? It's not Easter!
Conan O'Brien: I don't know, he just likes to hang around the studio sometimes...
--"Late Night with Conan O'Brien" (NBC)



_______________
Conan: Now as I mentioned in the monologue, or as I like to call it - quiet time...
--"Late Night with Conan O'Brien" (NBC)


_______________
Conan: Ben and J-Lo have announced that they want a small wedding. So they decided to invite all the people who saw "Gigli".
--"Late Night with Conan O'Brien" (NBC)



________________
Conan: Intelligence reports say that Osama bin Laden's personal physician has been successfully captured. Right now, the Army is also attempting to capture his dentist and his Pilates instructor.
--"Late Night with Conan O'Brien" (NBC)



________________
Conan: Mel Gibson wrote a children's book. It's called "Jesus Christ and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day".
--"Late Night with Conan O'Brien" (NBC)


________________
Conan: Have you ever had Fruity Pebbles? Once that stuff hits milk, it turns into a narcotic!
--"Late Night with Conan O'Brien" (NBC)



________________
Conan: People of Quebec! I am an albino jackass.
--"Late Night with Conan O'Brien" (NBC)



____________________________
Conan O’Brien: The New York Daily News reports that Leonard Nimoy, Star Trek’s Mr. Spock, will star in a pain-reliever ad during the Super Bowl. Star Trek fans were excited by this news and asked…”what’s the Super Bowl”?
--"Late Night with Conan O'Brien" (NBC)

____________________________
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--"Late Night with Conan O'Brien" (NBC)

The Larry Sanders Show


__________________
Arthur: Your fly is undone.
Larry: Oh, thanks.
Arthur: Just doing my job.
Larry: It's your job to look at my crotch?
Arthur: I consider it one of my perks.
--"The Larry Sanders Show" (HBO)


_________________
Larry: Hey Warren!
Warren Beatty: [disinterested] Hey Larry.
Larry: Hey listen, would you like to come on my show tomorrow night and just say hello and goodbye to me? Because it's the end of the whole thing tomorrow night.
Warren: I could just say goodbye to you now....
--"The Larry Sanders Show" (HBO)


___________________
Hank: What about the time I chipped my tooth on the bathroom urinal? What the F*** is so comical about that!
Larry: It was a back tooth Hank....
--"The Larry Sanders Show" (HBO)

Late Show with David Letterman


_____________________
If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with pool cues, who would win?
1) Ricky Schroder
2) Gary Coleman
3) The television viewing public
--"Late Show with David Letterman" (CBS)



_________________________
(Letterman is working at McDonald's)
David: Yes. Welcome to McDonald's. What do you want?
Customer: Hello...
David: Yeah, what can I do for you?
Customer: Medium Sprite.
David: Yeah, what can I do for you?
Customer: Sprite.
David: Medium Sprite?
Customer: That's it.
David: That's all?
Customer: Yes.
David: You couldn't have gotten out of your car for a medium Sprite?
--"Late Show with David Letterman" (CBS)



___________________
David: Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, "Konsult Kardiologist"...
--"Late Show with David Letterman" (CBS)



_____________________
David: Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?
--"Late Show with David Letterman" (CBS)



_____________________
David: Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
--"Late Show with David Letterman" (CBS)



_____________________
David: USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population...
--"Late Show with David Letterman" (CBS)



________________
Dave: In just a few minutes, my son will have completed his first trip around the sun....
--"Late Show with David Letterman" (CBS)

_________________
Larry "Bud" Melman: Good evening. Certain CBS executives feel it would be a little unkind to present this show without just a word of friendly warning. We're about to unfold a show featuring David Letterman, a man of science who sought to create a show after his own image -- without reckoning upon God. It's one of the strangest tales ever told. I think it will thrill you. It may shock you. It might even horrify you. So, if any of you feel that you don't care to subject your nerves to such a strain, now's your chance to...well, we've warned you...
--"Late Show with David Letterman" (CBS)